The last post.

This will be, most definitely, the last post of this blog. 

I have been learning to deal with his distance. As it turns out, I didn't have to, we're in contact again. Things are different, as I knew they would. They are very different. Seeing him in the restaurant with someone else today just reminded me of what I had thought all the while I was with him: I was replaceable, I was definitely not special, I was one amongst many. I guess at the time he had enough respect for me to not meet with other people, and to reply to my texts. I did as well, until the hurl in my stomach was too great to just ignore it - fucking idiotic move. 

We can't be friends. Friends respect each other enough to talk about anything. Friends are there for you. Nothing is taboo between friends. It's mathematical, we're not friends, he treats me as an acquaintance, just some guy. I am none of those things. I am not even an ex-boyfriend. I refuse to use that to refer to me or him. We are two people who committed stupid mistakes in a relationship and could not deal with them. We're idiots, except one of us dealt with it a bit better than the other. 

Time is definitely a healer. I've got time on my side, I've got a few more years to catch up to his age when we met. Maybe when I am 26 I can understand his haste in leaving, in moving on - it's healthy in a way. 

As for me, singing along to sad songs and cultivating other interests is healing, and educational. I am sure I will be much better off in the long run, I can feel it, I am sure of it. As for now, I'm embracing this darkness - it's no longer cold like before - it's like the nausea you feel when falling merged with the warmth of hugging your best friend at the same time - we're best buddies now, it's a feeling like any other, as deep as any other, and I don't know when I'll feel like this again. I want to seize this, cover myself with it, like a blanket at night, embrace it like I did to you; and when the time comes for it to go I will just say "see you next time".

This doesn't mean I'm giving up. It doesn't have to be that black or white, it's not life or death, but it's the darkest shade of grey I can imagine.