The last post.

This will be, most definitely, the last post of this blog. 

I have been learning to deal with his distance. As it turns out, I didn't have to, we're in contact again. Things are different, as I knew they would. They are very different. Seeing him in the restaurant with someone else today just reminded me of what I had thought all the while I was with him: I was replaceable, I was definitely not special, I was one amongst many. I guess at the time he had enough respect for me to not meet with other people, and to reply to my texts. I did as well, until the hurl in my stomach was too great to just ignore it - fucking idiotic move. 

We can't be friends. Friends respect each other enough to talk about anything. Friends are there for you. Nothing is taboo between friends. It's mathematical, we're not friends, he treats me as an acquaintance, just some guy. I am none of those things. I am not even an ex-boyfriend. I refuse to use that to refer to me or him. We are two people who committed stupid mistakes in a relationship and could not deal with them. We're idiots, except one of us dealt with it a bit better than the other. 

Time is definitely a healer. I've got time on my side, I've got a few more years to catch up to his age when we met. Maybe when I am 26 I can understand his haste in leaving, in moving on - it's healthy in a way. 

As for me, singing along to sad songs and cultivating other interests is healing, and educational. I am sure I will be much better off in the long run, I can feel it, I am sure of it. As for now, I'm embracing this darkness - it's no longer cold like before - it's like the nausea you feel when falling merged with the warmth of hugging your best friend at the same time - we're best buddies now, it's a feeling like any other, as deep as any other, and I don't know when I'll feel like this again. I want to seize this, cover myself with it, like a blanket at night, embrace it like I did to you; and when the time comes for it to go I will just say "see you next time".

This doesn't mean I'm giving up. It doesn't have to be that black or white, it's not life or death, but it's the darkest shade of grey I can imagine.

Day... I've lost count.

Hey
This will be the last post for the foreseeable future. It's been (and it still is) a bumpy ride from total despair to slowly getting back on my feet. During the past 6 months I've learned that honesty is the best policy, for purely selfish reasons: if anything, it makes you feel better about your conscience. When in a relationship, it is the only policy, you owe it to the person who has chosen to share their life with you. I've learned to express my thoughts in ways other than crying and hurting, learned to play a new instrument, begun a scrapbook, strengthened friendships, broke unhealthy connections, laid past issues to rest, found new goals, and last, but not least, I understood that what I feel is love, and it hurts because I let it hurt, at least I'm in control now.

Thanks for reading thus far, even without making yourselves known, I really appreciate it you taking the time to read my mind a little, I love you all.

http://www.last.fm/user/Itterashai/library/playlists/3m14d_staring_at_the_cracks

Day 34 - 38 (was beginning to forget about it)

Day 34

Sunday, 20th of December

I took the train at 17:20. 2 hours later than what I was planning. It took me a long time to clean, read “purge” it, ready for when I arrive back in January. I even hid a candle he gave me out of site so I didn't think of it as the room where I laid with him, where I had my last conversation with him, as well as the room where I betrayed him. The physical tidying of the things that most obviously would remind me of him was also a mental one. I've got his things all stacked up high, ridiculously high. My goal that I would wait for his response until the New Year is not standing any more I guess since he replied the other day. In a way, I sort of wish he hadn't because it reset my goal, and at the same time, it was resetted in the form of a very brief  “conversation”, initiated by me, whereas I was actually waiting from a text from him, independent of me. Well, it's done now. On that note, before I left my house, I sent him ( R ) a text asking “Do you miss “us””?, as usual, I didn't get a response (even as I write now, there has been no reply).

Btw, I am sorry I haven't posted, I have a very good excuse and that is that I don't have internet at my parents' house. I have managed to update my dailybooth just because I recently set up e-mail posting. (And btw, it doesn't work half the time). I could do the same with the blog but I could not type out a whole blog entry on my tiny qwerty keyboard.

Sunday I arrived in Grantham where I was met by my mother. It was surreal to say the very least to see her. It was the first time we met since I told her I was gay. She was nice, and she seemed happy which is the most important thing. We drove home (she drove, I fell asleep in the last 10 minutes of the trip). We had so much to talk about.

For the first time in 40 days, I had proper warm food. I had chicken soup. Where I come from, chicken soup is one of the dishes to serve if you are ill, together with something called açorda (you can google it and guess where I'm from now) which is made with leftover bread, olive oil, eggs and something else. There is even a high brow version made with seafood stock (never tried). So anyway, I had chicken soup on Sunday which warmed up more than my body, it was like food to the soul as well.

My mother took a good look at me and declared: “look how thin you are!” me: “I know, you always say that” , “No, I mean, you're really thin, thinner than normal, you look awful! Like you're malnourished”, “Gee, thanks”. Well I guess she had a point, multi-vitamin pills and peanut butter aren't really food. I went to bed at around midnight on Sunday.

Day 35

Monday, 21st

Monday was a good day. My mother was genuinely concerned for me and kept making food and making me eat, that, coupled with me being forced to go to bed at a decent hour has made me feel much better, physically, which is reflected in how I look at things, much more positively. I guess I am not as independent as I thought I was when it comes to times like these. As she had suggested, we went Christmas shopping, to TKMAxx (No judging!) it was fairly expensive, contrary to popular belief and their advertising. She bought me my “Christmas” presents, which were 3 hoodies (I don't want to dwell on the fact that I am probably more and more into hoodies since I've met R too much, just be aware that that's true). One was from UCLA, blue and orange, really cool, another one said Tokyo (which I really liked as well) and another one from Plain Lazy -  I always wanted to try something by them, just because of the irony of the brand's name and my own lifestyle (hence my latest Dailybooth picture saying “Plain Lazy: it's more than a brand, it's a way of life”) - I am pretty lazy :/ I saw a couple of other stuff I wanted like a Super Mario hoodie but it was for ages 12-13 only (unfortunately, not even my height/build would allow me to wear them :( ), and a t-shirt with a smurf saying “I'm grouchy”, it was quite cute, but the fabric was very thin (again, this reminded me of R saying it).

Later in the day we met my father who came to give my mother the cod for Christmas (where I come from it's traditional to have fish, especially Cod, before midnight). He is not very well at the moment because of some stones in the urethra (painful as hell according to him). He looked pretty yellow, like he had jaundice or something. So he gave us the cod and hung around for a while but soon left, he doesn't know yet whether or not he will be coming around for Christmas , he might be working if they need him – pretty awful schedule I know, but that's immigrant work for you, most of time it's working in a factory for 8 to 12 hours and being bossed around by someone with probably less qualifications than you, I hear it happens in offices as well (tongue, cheek, etc).

To end the day, we drove to a Macdonalds, parked right in front of it, I got my laptop out and we browsed for internet packages for the area she lives in. It was a very humorous moment for us both, especially when someone came out to deliver someone's burger or something, looked at us, and shook his head. Mortified, my mother started the car and drove away so we never sorted out the internet packages. Monday was a good day. (when was the last time I said this in this blog? It might be the first time) Retail therapy perhaps, and funny moments!

Day 36

Tuesday, 22nd

Tuesday was like a ride down awkward lane. Something quite awkward happened with a woman banging on our door and asking for my mother. I don't dare to post here the details but they're pretty juicy. So that event shaped the rest of the day. I talked to my mum about it and offered my advice, she cried a little and then went to work. I spent the day half feeling bad for her and half contemplating my own loneliness. I sat on the sofa, with the TV off, the guitar to my side and Watson, my dog, sleeping in his little basket in front of me, looking at me through his semi-closed eyes. Before I knew it, I fell asleep as well, from 2 until 4 PM. I couldn't play the guitar because my stomach was turning  due to how alone and insignificant I felt, I didn't want to watch TV either, and there was no internet and therefore, no blog to write on. I uploaded (tried to) a pic on Dailybooth but it didn't work (I tried 13 times :()

At around 4 PM I woke up and started playing the guitar. I made a song that goes like this “If I am the one for you, will I be perfect from the beginning, will I break your heart”, I recorded it so it's now part of a sort of portfolio, not quite sure what to do with it for the time being.

I also managed to play an Fm# chord! Which was what was preventing me from playing “That I would be good” so from now onwards, I know that chord as well (which is a barre chord, where you use one finger to hold 2 strings, it's pretty hard!).

Day 37

Wednesday, 23rd

The day before the day before Christmas. I reached the conclusion that everything goes wrong around this time of the year: last year was an exception – a notable exception. The year before, my dad walked out on me and my mother, then came back, and on the New Year, left my mother stranded, waiting for him to come and have dinner with her. The year before that, I dumped my 2nd boyfriend after giving him numerous chances to make things right, the year before that, my parents were having problems with people that would not leave the house, the police was involved, etc. I couldn't make up this stuff even if I wanted! It's true, Christmas/end of the year is almost always a shit time for me.

I think that part of the fault must be taken by all this holiday cheer really. It's overhyped, people are too joyous and TV is too nice and happy which only serves to highlight the shittiness of our own lives. I watched the grumpy women/men Christmas special today and someone said “you never hear “this year has been shit”, it's always “oh, so and so got straight As, and so and so climbed mount Fuji”. I would say that is accurate, I mean, I can honestly say that the latter part of this year has been pretty bad! But hey, I guess the point of this holiday is to also be optimistic about life: let's see, on a positive note, I've learned a bit more about relationships and my own behaviour, it's as Alanis says, “you bleed, you learn, you live, you learn”.

Let's see, I also composed another song today, I wrote down the chords and the notes and everything. I had this idea to send R a song or two on a CD but I ended up not being any good at recording myself/playing/singing all at the same time. :( Now it's becoming more and more possible though!

Day 37/38

So that's today, the day before Christmas, it is actually the most important day for my family. Today and tomorrow will merge together like eggs and oil in mayonnaise. Anyway, I wanted to write this post not because of Christmas but rather because of some (now) finished business in my head. I have been chatting to my 2nd boyfriend, previously known as “the nameless cunt”, or D. Like it or not, I was in a relationship with him for almost 2 years, of which only 6 months were actual months of “relationship”. Skipping over how I felt at the time (you can read about it in some of my earlier posts if you really want), the important thing is, he cheated on me, repeatedly, and repeatedly after I gave him chances to start over. I used to have this feeling of revenge that I never talked to him about. So today I did, I told him I had wanted to get back at him for a long time, and that that has hindered my relationships (well, relationship, singular), I talked about my anger and my not understanding why he did it. His answer was this: “You made me feel invincible, like I could do anything I wanted and it wouldn't matter, I took you for granted”. I can relate to that in a way. So I told him that when I talked to him in London I only wanted to stand him up, and I thought it was childish of me. He said it was childish himself, and that he knew that's what I wanted to do. And it felt weird being told that by him. I told him, weirdly, that I wanted to let go of my grudge towards him and that I felt that at this time I could tell him, and mean it, that I forgive him for what he did, I don't think he's a bad person anymore, I'm indifferent towards him now. He told me he hasn't been able to get close to anyone since me, and I understand that, now, I really understand that. So I asked him if it was because he still thought that someday we might get back together, because he is still hoping, and he said yes. The answer didn't surprise me to be honest. So I was straight with him and told him that from now onwards I would not be trying to get back at him any more and that I realise that he is not the sort of person I am looking for at all, and so there is just no chance, ever, that we would get back together. He said he thought there was, but if I didn't then it's ok. I reinforced it and said that it's best that I am straight with him at this time, for both our sakes, so he can move on properly, I feel for him, that he hasn't been able to get close to someone, 3 years ago, I would have thought about nothing but how much he had broken my heart, but now, today, everything is just serene, he is like anyone else on the street, right? Well, not quite. After getting everything straight with him, he asked “so, do you think we can be good friends? Or do you think we already are?” and then I didn't know what to say. On the one hand, as he pointed out in the middle of the conversation, we're not strangers, and he also knows how I sometimes get in a specific mood, it's easy to talk to him in that respect; I had forgotten that because our conversations had revolved around me trying to make him do something that I could use to my advantage, but this time the conversation just flowed. In the end, I had to say that I don't think we could be good friends. I think it hinders me to have that part of my past looming over me, I think those were the words I used, and I stick by them. Nevertheless, because we were fairly close for a long time, there are still some bonds, if he is in a situation where he wants to talk to someone or needs desperate help, sure, if I can help but it doesn't mean we're going to talk endlessly or hanging out together. Ultimately, I feel better now that I was able to say “I forgive you” and let go of everything.

Now with Christmas approaching and these problems in my head being solved, my head feels lighter. Perhaps too light because I messaged R again tonight asking to talk to him either this week or the next. I want to talk to him about the conclusions about my betrayal I guess. I reached the conclusion that it was caused, in great part, by the text messages from other people he got from the beginning. That coupled with pictures and the fact we never talked about all the different people that were messaging him made me feel like I was with D again, and that he not mine really, that our happiness was not real because he had other people that gave him the emotional comfort I was offering. I remember this picture of a guy's torso, 2 pictures, from a guy he used to talk to quite often before meeting me. He said he was showing him how he looked after working out. I ask myself, why? What sort of friendships are those? It was threatening for me, I have to admit it, this was someone who he shared a deeper chronological/and maybe emotional connection than with me. It is still true that I lived in my head a bit, and didn't talk this through at the time, but the truth is, he didn't know I knew, and I was afraid to tell him I had invaded his privacy. Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship, and that was broken quite early on, and from not trusting what he was doing to my own betrayal, it becomes complicated in my head. It was a mixture of anger, resignation, acceptance, and doubt. Anger that this would happen to me again, resignation to the fact that he just knows people for a lot longer than he knows me and there was nothing I could do about them, then acceptance that he was probably just talking to people in the hope of finding someone else, and doubt about it all. So I fell in the trap of seeking a quick release from it all, thinking that maybe I wouldn't be hurt as badly now when it came to light. I doubt he could understand this point of view, but I don't find it ridiculous anymore, it is just saddening that I could not confront him and/or do something about my suspicions sooner. If it was now, I would not have rested until he explained to me the sort of relationship they had so that this guy was now sending him picures of him topless, other, sending him pictures of his penis.

It's tiring to focus on the things that were done wrong, by both of us, yes, because now, more than ever, I can see his mistakes as well as mine. And I wanted to talk to him about all this, there is just so much in my head. Lately, however, I have been thinking that maybe he just wants to move on with his life and forget I exist. And on that note, that is ok with me, it's not like I'm going anywhere, emotionally. I'm gonna finish on something that D said in our conversation which made me smirk: “Oh right... I guess he's had more of an impact than me”, it is smirk-worthy considering R said “I just wish you loved me as much as you did them” - truth is, I had more of a connection with him than I ever did with anyone, ever, and so he did make more of an impact than anyone else – I guess you really can't see it when it's in front of you, and that goes both ways.

Day 38:

Merry Christmas! I'm in charge of seasoning the turkey, like last year, I'll also help with the cod! I still have to model my friends' presents (got clay). Once that's done they'll be done for when I see them in the New Year. Still no word from R. :( It's 5 o'Clock. Sorry if the writing is a bit muddled by this point, I'm tired.

G'Night all!

Update

Hey, sorry I haven't been posting, I am stationed outside Macdonalds just to write this very quickly and note down the email address so I can post what I've been writing via e-mail on my phone. I aim to have everything posted by the end of today, purely ritualistic, this being the last day of the year and all, for the sake of tidying my thoughts :) So if you like depressing stuff before the big renewal, watch this space! New year, new life, as we say in my country, and I will be making that my motto today.

Have a great New Year!

Day 32/33

Today has been almost peaceful.
I say almost because I still haven't done anything, and I still feel like I have completely messed up my education because of it. I wouldn't say it's irreversible at this point though. Well, it's more the case that it CAN'T be irreversible, I don't know what I'd do if that happened.

It's like I'm in a limbo now, not quite sure what to think/do with myself. This just seems to have thrown my whole life upside down. Then I look at Tiger Woods. Man... I lost count of the people he's been with : / Not trying to be harsh with him or anything but he is/was married, before that there was the dating and everything, if he had issues he had plenty of time to sort them out. :S And plus, some of his "flings" lasted longer than all my relationships, so man, I have no idea how he was able to do it. :S

Bah, it's almost 4 and my fingers are practically bleeding. As usual, no news from him. I'm going home on Sunday, it's gonna be another one of those crying my eyes out moments when I get on that train. :/ I just can't wait. :/

Day 32

(it's the only pic I got around here atm, I was crying when I took it in the tube)

Whoa, I've officially gone over the 1 month milestone. It actually feels like a very sad engagement at this point, I feel bad for not commemorating with my fellow colleagues from the AA meetings.

Jokes aside, I know coffee is bad for me. I have to have it whenever I pull an all-nighter like last night/yesterday/today it just all feels like one big, long day. I finished my essay, barely on time, my adrenaline rush didn't kick in until much later in the night so at around 9:30 I was still finishing the essay. I got it in before 10 though, and that is positive!

Now I'm home, feeling very sleepy. I don't want to fall asleep just yet though otherwise I will wake up in the middle of the night. At the same time, I don't want to be awake tonight because  I am just remembered that tonight is the night when he made plans already. Perfectly legitimate and entitled, man, who am I to even comment on that. The fact I haven't got any more essays to hand in, however, induces in me a slap in the face/kick in the stomach moment when I realise that I miss him still.

I went to Borders today, their big shop in Tottenham Court Road is closing in 6 days so they're selling everything in there: fixtures, pianos, etc. I bet if they could, they would sell the staff - yet another company to "go under Administration" - funny how, suddenly, everyone is an economist, I don't even know what they mean by "going under Admin", my brain just switched to Evanescence when I read that. Ah, so as I was saying, I went to Borders and I bought Maroon 5's debut album for 2.50£, the second Mock the Week book, and a very strange Spongebob Squarepants thing. It was an impulse buy. I don't even like Spongebob! I had the same feeling the other day when I say a spongebob ukeleke, and a spongebob plectrum, I didn't/haven't bought those yet though. Why on earth did I get this? I can't even look at it now without making my ugly face of "ah fuck i'm not gonna cry now, that's lame".

In class today, we watched parts of the film Before Night Falls. Normally, I am not a fan of gay films, I can't give a reasonable explanation atm as to why, I just don't like them. But I watched this film, and from what I've seen, it is very well made, he would watch it with me. Hell, I know lots of people would probably watch it with me, but is it stupid that I want to watch it with him? Probably. So yeah, I cried during that as well, in the scene when he is in prison and he's cold, shivering, in a corner of the "galera", galery? The way those galleries in prison are described are very much like Dante's Inferno, it might have been intentional since he was a writer, but in the film, this was very well done, I highly recommend it.

I'm still sleepy now, not as sad. My head hurts a bit.

I want a new soul

a way to start anew.

I want to be strong and fast and smart

I want to be free and yours

I don't want to just stick to your sole

I want you to be the one to put me there.

Day 31

I AM SCARED!
Ok, during the summer of 2000 and.... 8 I think, I went to France, Spain and Portugal. During my travels I came across lots of people, but none made a more lasting impression than this guy from Mexico. I practiced some of my "awful" Spanish with him and we exchanged contacts. I knew he was not just straight (at the very least), but hey, he is probably old enough to be my father!

But apparently he doesn't think so! He added me on MSN today (he says it was a while ago, I just never said hi). I'm not gonna say what he said, and the whole conversation was in Spanish (which was excellent practice for my essay, up until a point!) but whoa, thank God for the Atlantic Ocean.

Still, I found the whole thing mildly amusing, and he knows about the book I'm reading as well, not quite sure how that is going to help my essay really since he didn't answer anything about the book, but I just thought it is cool. It was good to talk to someone from that period. I have this Dutch guy's email SOMEWHERE among my things as well but I don't think I should add him since it's been SO long now. Bah, the shock of talking to the Mexican guy has put me in the mood for studying now, which is sad because I wanted to play Oblivion and procrastinate, and fulfil Facebook's prediction - Oh yeah, I took a Facebook test which said that in 10 years time I will be on the streets. Cheers, fat, middle-aged test author :/

Hm, apart from that, I was considering not even writing today because I was just feeling so crap. He texted me back today. It wasn't like a "proper" conversation, but he let me know that he would be out on Thursday... : / Skipping over how that makes me feel, and more importantly, skipping all the scenarios in my head, all the paradigms I'm creating, etc. I also asked if he had plans for the New Year, I mean, I imagined he did anyway, but I just wanted to keep the conversation going I guess, probably not a very smart move? Who knows. I've talked to M today, very very briefly, he was feeling down last night as well. As he says, we're like two old ladies, always complaining and crying all the time... last night we made the most old womanly thing ever: we said we had a cold coming because of a few snivels. lame

In my defence I have to say I only thought about it, he said it first.If he was here I would probably be brewing tea right about now and saying something along the lines of "ooh Matilda (that's M's old woman name), pass me the honey dear, oh how Rupert (that's my deceased husband's name) loved honey, he wouldn't have it without honey" Matilda - "The tea?" Me - "er... that as well"

So there you go, it's not a completely depressing post this time I guess! I've been listening to "Because of you" though, it's about family cycles,etc. Now THAT would be a depressing post.

Peace