Day 32

(it's the only pic I got around here atm, I was crying when I took it in the tube)

Whoa, I've officially gone over the 1 month milestone. It actually feels like a very sad engagement at this point, I feel bad for not commemorating with my fellow colleagues from the AA meetings.

Jokes aside, I know coffee is bad for me. I have to have it whenever I pull an all-nighter like last night/yesterday/today it just all feels like one big, long day. I finished my essay, barely on time, my adrenaline rush didn't kick in until much later in the night so at around 9:30 I was still finishing the essay. I got it in before 10 though, and that is positive!

Now I'm home, feeling very sleepy. I don't want to fall asleep just yet though otherwise I will wake up in the middle of the night. At the same time, I don't want to be awake tonight because  I am just remembered that tonight is the night when he made plans already. Perfectly legitimate and entitled, man, who am I to even comment on that. The fact I haven't got any more essays to hand in, however, induces in me a slap in the face/kick in the stomach moment when I realise that I miss him still.

I went to Borders today, their big shop in Tottenham Court Road is closing in 6 days so they're selling everything in there: fixtures, pianos, etc. I bet if they could, they would sell the staff - yet another company to "go under Administration" - funny how, suddenly, everyone is an economist, I don't even know what they mean by "going under Admin", my brain just switched to Evanescence when I read that. Ah, so as I was saying, I went to Borders and I bought Maroon 5's debut album for 2.50£, the second Mock the Week book, and a very strange Spongebob Squarepants thing. It was an impulse buy. I don't even like Spongebob! I had the same feeling the other day when I say a spongebob ukeleke, and a spongebob plectrum, I didn't/haven't bought those yet though. Why on earth did I get this? I can't even look at it now without making my ugly face of "ah fuck i'm not gonna cry now, that's lame".

In class today, we watched parts of the film Before Night Falls. Normally, I am not a fan of gay films, I can't give a reasonable explanation atm as to why, I just don't like them. But I watched this film, and from what I've seen, it is very well made, he would watch it with me. Hell, I know lots of people would probably watch it with me, but is it stupid that I want to watch it with him? Probably. So yeah, I cried during that as well, in the scene when he is in prison and he's cold, shivering, in a corner of the "galera", galery? The way those galleries in prison are described are very much like Dante's Inferno, it might have been intentional since he was a writer, but in the film, this was very well done, I highly recommend it.

I'm still sleepy now, not as sad. My head hurts a bit.

I want a new soul

a way to start anew.

I want to be strong and fast and smart

I want to be free and yours

I don't want to just stick to your sole

I want you to be the one to put me there.