Day 21

Hm. Today. Last night actually. I wasn't doing anything at home. I kept thinking about how shit my week had been, how much I miss him, and what he was doing now that he wasn't with me at the weekends, probably having fun I thought. So in the light of all of that I went out. A friend of mine offered to go with me, but not to the restaurant I wanted to go, and to be honest, I wanted to be alone. So I went to Tokyo Diner. I wonder why they don't give me a discount, the amount of times I go there... it's like my second home :/ So I ordered a chicken katsu bento as usual, and a salmon set which is salmon nigiri and sushi. Before I sat down though, the woman there turned to me and said they were full (ha!) I could see that there was a free table, one of the big ones, where her mate was, so she thought she was doing her a favour by saying it was full, thankfully, her friend was nicer than her so she said she didn't mind sharing the table with me, and that was how I had dinner with a Japanese for the first time. We didn't talk much, but I felt obliged to at least thank her in my best Japanese (Arigato gozaimasu), she commented how full the place was that night, I agreed but said I had seen worse, I told her I used to go there quite a lot, and asked about her, so she said she was there just because her friend worked there and that she was going out afterwards, so hey, I felt ok that she talked to me, a Japanese person! It was also the first time someone said Itadakimasu without me having to nag them haha, it was very cool because I antecipated it, put my hands together and bowed whilst saying it, she giggled a bit. She giggled even more when I said it myself, it was fun. So I had all that food and felt soooo full, I think it was the first time I was honestly full from Tokyo Diner. I had a Spanish couple to my left who insulted the waiters on more than one occasion. They asked for a knife and fork, and kept calling a Japanese red colour powder "Chinese", needless to say, the waitress almost slammed down their bowl of ramen on the table as he tried to utter a "gracia... thank you!* . Halfway through my meal, the Japanese girl left and so towards the end of my dinner I decided to talk to the Spanish couple, asked them if that was their first time in a Japanese Restaurant. The guy looked a bit offended and explained that he wanted a knife and fork because his (I assume) girlfriend had, and now I'm gonna call things for what they are, herpes (a cold sore) and so couldn't eat hard stuff - well why the hell did you order chicken kara age?? *sigh*

I tried to help them out but he said "well, you try to split these pieces of chicken with chopsticks" so I returned to my own dinner :( After Tokyo Diner I decided to all my mum, and we were on the phone for an hour and something talking about my week and my current state of mind, she kept saying "you need to concentrate on your studies, that's what matters at the moment, I just hope that what you are feeling now is just a drop in the ocean, and that you don't feel anything worse in your life", hm, me too. I had ice cream, the most expensive ice cream I have EVER tried. It was... ok... almost 7£ flavour, anyone? It doesn't matter so much because my bursary is coming through so I thought I was allowed to splash out a littl,  just that night.

By the time I had finished talking to my mother, it was 1 in the morning, my ice cream was half melted, and I was feeling a bit better, I got home and thought about going to bed, so I stripped, got a t-shirt from the wardrobe, and as I handled it, I smelled something strange... it was nostalgic, a sweet smell, it made my stomach turn, half in a good way and half in a bad way, it smells (because I still have it on) of him. I started to cry as I put it on, I pulled it to my face and took a deep breath, and cried some more. At that time I reached for my D2 and looked through the songs to find something to take my mind off it, but I forgot I had only loaded a part of my collection so it had The Cure, Alanis, and a few others that had a connection with him. I settled for The Cranberries, and I listened to something that made me think about other things for the 2 or 3 minutes it lasted for, then, I resumed the crying, grabbed the Domo he gave me, and with those two items, a t-shirt that smelled of him, and a present, I hugged them and eventually fell asleep.

I woke up with Domo in my arms, my headphones still on, and the smell of the t-shirt was still there. It still is, even now, or maybe at this point it is just my imagination, I don't know. I listened to "I will survive" in the morning, a couple of times actually, and I faced the day, I've written up another post on my other blog so I recommend everyone to go read it, it's definitely happier than this. I miss him. I can't get over that. Everytime I tell myself he's over me, there's a voice inside me that screams even louder saying "BUT HE SHOULD BE YOURS" and I reply "He was...". Oh I miss him, oh I l..... what does that matter now?