Dia 23

Today has been...ok. I woke up, thought about him, then thought about my test. I am starting to like tests and assignments: the urgency to do well takes over me and I can be at peace for the hour that it lasts for. So I went to do my test and it went... ok. I was late, and that was my downfall this time, I definitely could feel the pen becoming lighter as I wrote, and that is a good sign, I felt in control, I knew what to write, I knew what I wanted from the questions, the adrenaline was intoxicating at times because it felt so good to read the text and immediately know what I was supposed to do, and still, I didn't have time to do the translation as well as I would have liked so I ended up writing things like "the lullaby soothes and tames the wild and restless beasts in the child's eyes" I mean, what does that even mean??  But hey, it's done and dusted, can't change it now. Like a lot of things. Unlike other things though, I don't feel regret, it's just gone, I'll do better next time, I know that.

As I walked home, I was torn between two things: cinema or guitar. Having looked at guitars online before I left, I headed to Tottenham Court Road and now I am the proud owner of an acoustic guitar, no joke. Money can't buy happiness, but it does help. I'm going to learn a few things and then maybe make a cover of Jesu's Star because, now that I am calmer, all the constant noise from the drums and guitar and everything together doesn't sound so good, however, I think it could sound good if it was played on an acoustic guitar.

I've also decided something today. For the time being I should resign to my fate, he doesn't want to talk to me, who can blame him, I guess. So instead of always bothering him, probably interrupting his outings with friends or whatever he is doing nowadays (I don't want to think about that), I will think about all the things that might have annoyed him, or that I did wrong, and I'm gonna fix them. I thought I was a bit boring at times and didn't have much of a hobby, so I'm gonna take up blogging and learning/playing guitar as hobbies. Also, as with everyone knows who has foreskin, it's hard to keep the area clean, and I thought I was pretty clean! But sometimes it wasn't apparently, he was... different, so his was always clean. I'm not going to radically change mine, that would be a bit risky now, maybe someday, who knows, but well, I'll just pay special attention to it, although... it doesn't matter now since no one is going to see it. And that brings me to another thing. In the past, I have used Gaydar to hook up, I have also met nice people there, but I ended up not talking to them as much as I would like, so for however long it takes, I'm not going to have sex. I have been gauging myself lately and I don't have any urges, except, perhaps, for a couple of days ago when I thought about him... no no no, not gonna think about him like that.

Since being with him, I have realised that Maths is quite important for quick thinking in everyday life, and so my other resolution is related to that, I will at least learn statistics which doesn't seem so bad.

Apart from the mathematics, the rest, I am already doing anyway. I think the most important for me, and this was something that I just said to myself from the beginning, is to learn to talk to people without assuming they are sex maniacs because that turns me into one myself, so I will just tweak that aspect. You, fellow reader, are probably thinking this is all bullshit if you don't know me. There is a field of pseudo-science which deals with caligraphy called graphology and they believe that a man who can change his handwriting can also change his whole self. I have done both. My handwriting nowadays is a carefully thought out mixture of other people's handwriting which I have liked throughout the years, it's not as easy as you might think, there are certain quirks your hand has when you are writing which can be hard to tame, (like the wild beasts in that child's eyes). So I think I can do this. I have done similar things in the past, namely anime (and now I am addicted), but I feel mature enough to achieve this. So next time we meet, I will be better. Ah let's see how long this feeling will last before being consumed my desperation and depression, he's still in my head, everywhere I go, when I sleep, when I listen to music, when I run. *sigh* I'm gonna play for a bit.

P.S.: Almost forgot, the reason for making this post and talking about the guitar was actually because I am hugging mine right now and it makes me feel better, it's almost like hugging him, it's the right width, just a bit harder... and black. :/ I should post a pic, so here it goes:

See u tomorrow.