Update

Hey, sorry I haven't been posting, I am stationed outside Macdonalds just to write this very quickly and note down the email address so I can post what I've been writing via e-mail on my phone. I aim to have everything posted by the end of today, purely ritualistic, this being the last day of the year and all, for the sake of tidying my thoughts :) So if you like depressing stuff before the big renewal, watch this space! New year, new life, as we say in my country, and I will be making that my motto today.

Have a great New Year!

Day 32/33

Today has been almost peaceful.
I say almost because I still haven't done anything, and I still feel like I have completely messed up my education because of it. I wouldn't say it's irreversible at this point though. Well, it's more the case that it CAN'T be irreversible, I don't know what I'd do if that happened.

It's like I'm in a limbo now, not quite sure what to think/do with myself. This just seems to have thrown my whole life upside down. Then I look at Tiger Woods. Man... I lost count of the people he's been with : / Not trying to be harsh with him or anything but he is/was married, before that there was the dating and everything, if he had issues he had plenty of time to sort them out. :S And plus, some of his "flings" lasted longer than all my relationships, so man, I have no idea how he was able to do it. :S

Bah, it's almost 4 and my fingers are practically bleeding. As usual, no news from him. I'm going home on Sunday, it's gonna be another one of those crying my eyes out moments when I get on that train. :/ I just can't wait. :/

Day 32

(it's the only pic I got around here atm, I was crying when I took it in the tube)

Whoa, I've officially gone over the 1 month milestone. It actually feels like a very sad engagement at this point, I feel bad for not commemorating with my fellow colleagues from the AA meetings.

Jokes aside, I know coffee is bad for me. I have to have it whenever I pull an all-nighter like last night/yesterday/today it just all feels like one big, long day. I finished my essay, barely on time, my adrenaline rush didn't kick in until much later in the night so at around 9:30 I was still finishing the essay. I got it in before 10 though, and that is positive!

Now I'm home, feeling very sleepy. I don't want to fall asleep just yet though otherwise I will wake up in the middle of the night. At the same time, I don't want to be awake tonight because  I am just remembered that tonight is the night when he made plans already. Perfectly legitimate and entitled, man, who am I to even comment on that. The fact I haven't got any more essays to hand in, however, induces in me a slap in the face/kick in the stomach moment when I realise that I miss him still.

I went to Borders today, their big shop in Tottenham Court Road is closing in 6 days so they're selling everything in there: fixtures, pianos, etc. I bet if they could, they would sell the staff - yet another company to "go under Administration" - funny how, suddenly, everyone is an economist, I don't even know what they mean by "going under Admin", my brain just switched to Evanescence when I read that. Ah, so as I was saying, I went to Borders and I bought Maroon 5's debut album for 2.50£, the second Mock the Week book, and a very strange Spongebob Squarepants thing. It was an impulse buy. I don't even like Spongebob! I had the same feeling the other day when I say a spongebob ukeleke, and a spongebob plectrum, I didn't/haven't bought those yet though. Why on earth did I get this? I can't even look at it now without making my ugly face of "ah fuck i'm not gonna cry now, that's lame".

In class today, we watched parts of the film Before Night Falls. Normally, I am not a fan of gay films, I can't give a reasonable explanation atm as to why, I just don't like them. But I watched this film, and from what I've seen, it is very well made, he would watch it with me. Hell, I know lots of people would probably watch it with me, but is it stupid that I want to watch it with him? Probably. So yeah, I cried during that as well, in the scene when he is in prison and he's cold, shivering, in a corner of the "galera", galery? The way those galleries in prison are described are very much like Dante's Inferno, it might have been intentional since he was a writer, but in the film, this was very well done, I highly recommend it.

I'm still sleepy now, not as sad. My head hurts a bit.

I want a new soul

a way to start anew.

I want to be strong and fast and smart

I want to be free and yours

I don't want to just stick to your sole

I want you to be the one to put me there.

Day 31

I AM SCARED!
Ok, during the summer of 2000 and.... 8 I think, I went to France, Spain and Portugal. During my travels I came across lots of people, but none made a more lasting impression than this guy from Mexico. I practiced some of my "awful" Spanish with him and we exchanged contacts. I knew he was not just straight (at the very least), but hey, he is probably old enough to be my father!

But apparently he doesn't think so! He added me on MSN today (he says it was a while ago, I just never said hi). I'm not gonna say what he said, and the whole conversation was in Spanish (which was excellent practice for my essay, up until a point!) but whoa, thank God for the Atlantic Ocean.

Still, I found the whole thing mildly amusing, and he knows about the book I'm reading as well, not quite sure how that is going to help my essay really since he didn't answer anything about the book, but I just thought it is cool. It was good to talk to someone from that period. I have this Dutch guy's email SOMEWHERE among my things as well but I don't think I should add him since it's been SO long now. Bah, the shock of talking to the Mexican guy has put me in the mood for studying now, which is sad because I wanted to play Oblivion and procrastinate, and fulfil Facebook's prediction - Oh yeah, I took a Facebook test which said that in 10 years time I will be on the streets. Cheers, fat, middle-aged test author :/

Hm, apart from that, I was considering not even writing today because I was just feeling so crap. He texted me back today. It wasn't like a "proper" conversation, but he let me know that he would be out on Thursday... : / Skipping over how that makes me feel, and more importantly, skipping all the scenarios in my head, all the paradigms I'm creating, etc. I also asked if he had plans for the New Year, I mean, I imagined he did anyway, but I just wanted to keep the conversation going I guess, probably not a very smart move? Who knows. I've talked to M today, very very briefly, he was feeling down last night as well. As he says, we're like two old ladies, always complaining and crying all the time... last night we made the most old womanly thing ever: we said we had a cold coming because of a few snivels. lame

In my defence I have to say I only thought about it, he said it first.If he was here I would probably be brewing tea right about now and saying something along the lines of "ooh Matilda (that's M's old woman name), pass me the honey dear, oh how Rupert (that's my deceased husband's name) loved honey, he wouldn't have it without honey" Matilda - "The tea?" Me - "er... that as well"

So there you go, it's not a completely depressing post this time I guess! I've been listening to "Because of you" though, it's about family cycles,etc. Now THAT would be a depressing post.

Peace

Day 29/30

End here

I am searching

for a reason to sleep

to rest my body and soul.

To lay this to rest, to end.

But life is a cycle, and when I think it's over

It starts all over again, nothing ever stays
no one ever stays.

Everything is change.

The apocalypse is now

and you've been judged

pay for your sins, wicked one

your blood will feed the corpses

of a thousand crows.

Now you're out of time

there's no forgiveness.

Pay the price for your actions,

you can scream for your life

you can die a thousand times

but you will never be forgiven.

I'm taking your heart

you're burning my soul

I'm hurting your mind

You're murdering me whole

Pathetic wimp, are you dead yet?

Day 28

That's today. I decided to update the blog since I haven't been able to write much lately. I still don't know what to write today. I've been listening to Shakira's "Estoy Aqui" an awful lot lately. The song talks about someone who won't come back, that what's happened won't ever come back. She says that if the person still thinks about her then she will be there, still, (Estoy aqui) waiting for that person. I thought it was poetically ironic that I should buy that album at a time like this. The whole album, Pies Descalzos is made up of love songs, songs about losing someone, etc. I sent him an e-mail, and I am making a real effort to not contact him any more.
Although I have been thinking, lately, that next week, when I've finished my essay, I want to go to his house and try to see him, to talk to him, if possible.

Day 27

Saturday, yesterday, I was talking to my best friend for most of the day, also talked to M, my mother, and wrote something to add to my pile of letters and thoughts unsent.
I went to bed at 5.
On Friday, I went to bed at 8.

Day 26

Friday. I went to HMV at 10PM to buy some CDs, I bought:

- Kelly Clarkson - Breakaway

- Shakira - Pies Descalzos
               - Dónde están los ladrones?

-System of a Down - Toxicity
                               - System of a Down
                               - Steal this album!

 - Melody Gardot - Worrysome Heart

 - Regina Spektor - Far

 - Norah Jones - Come away with me

I think I want to return Melody's album, I didn't like it as much as I thought I would to be honest. In fact, from all of the albums I bought, I only really liked System of a Down and Shakira.

On Friday, I reflected again about what happened on Thursday. I had my oral presentation, which went better than expected. I made a few comparisons that not a lot of people thought about, so I felt a bit better about myself. After that lesson, however, I started getting very painful stomach cramps and couldn't go to the rest of my lessons, it was one of the few times when I had a legitimate reason not to go. I went to the WC and stayed there until it was ok. Altogether, I spent almost 2 hours in there. My bad eating habits lately were/are finally taking its toll.

I went to the National Portrait Gallery and the National Gallery after that. Afterwards, I went into an Art shop that is next to the National Gallery because they had clay on sale. Whilst I was looking at some clay which was in a bottom shelf, a member of staff which was reshelving some glue sticks, shoved a couple to the pack of the shelf and 2 or three sticks came crashing down, on my head. He apologised and left then. So I picked up the clay and went to pay. As I stood there I was thinking about my rent which was due on that day and planned to go to Barclays afterwards. What happened was that The Cure came on, specifically the song "Friday I'm in Love", here it is, with a video.

The Cure - Friday I'm In Love
Uploaded by hushhush112. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

And so it happened, I couldn't stop it, I started crying. I looked at the floor and tried my hardest to stop the tears, but they wouldn't stop. I mumbled thank you to the woman and ran to Leicester Square tube station where I spent the entire journey home looking at the floor. That was my Thursday.

Day 25

I'm trying. Trying so damn hard not to think about him, and just now, I had a stupid thought of us meeting again. I have just pushed it to the back of my mind for a moment so I could write about it, hopefully it will stay on the screen.
Ok, it was the very unlikely scenario of meeting him at the wedding of one of his friends. They were the 2nd people I met related to him, and they were very cool, thinking about it now, it seems like it was in another life, I was so happy then, and so was him I think. I don't want to think about it that way, my mind always betrays me and asks me "Why can't we be like that again" and then my eyes threaten to give out, my heart races, my breathing gets heavier... and then I tell myself STOP this. And then there is silence, in my mind. But soon enough, it starts again "why, why why WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY" and a more miserable image of me appears in my head, crying, begging me to make it go away, to make everything right again. In that surrealist landscape I can see a healthy, sexual me, but it's dead, I killed it, I feel no remorse, I put the cure away, and it's something I am happy with. Then, there is the romantic me, he has a guitar and is playing all the songs I've written perfectly, he's playing them outside his house, on the front garden, he is not crying on the outside, but I can see in his eyes that he is sad.
I look at all these people and I think, which one am I? The dead one? But I have the guitar? I think it is really a mixture of all of them, logically, they are all part of me, I just need to embrace them, even the miserable bastard crying on the floor, the corpse and the other, all together. They all agree in one thing: they don't like the present. 

Day 24

Ahhhh man I'm so lame, I've got 3 hours to read a book and make a presentation! I've been watching K-On! today and I feel like Yui now! I'm also lame because I tried to call him. I'm just the embodiment of lameness. I should just open the damn book and read. Oh my room is a mess. Ohh I don't have any food! *goes out to buy food*. Have I mentioned a man was stabbed outside my local Sainsbury's? I'm going there now! :D

Dia 23

Today has been...ok. I woke up, thought about him, then thought about my test. I am starting to like tests and assignments: the urgency to do well takes over me and I can be at peace for the hour that it lasts for. So I went to do my test and it went... ok. I was late, and that was my downfall this time, I definitely could feel the pen becoming lighter as I wrote, and that is a good sign, I felt in control, I knew what to write, I knew what I wanted from the questions, the adrenaline was intoxicating at times because it felt so good to read the text and immediately know what I was supposed to do, and still, I didn't have time to do the translation as well as I would have liked so I ended up writing things like "the lullaby soothes and tames the wild and restless beasts in the child's eyes" I mean, what does that even mean??  But hey, it's done and dusted, can't change it now. Like a lot of things. Unlike other things though, I don't feel regret, it's just gone, I'll do better next time, I know that.

As I walked home, I was torn between two things: cinema or guitar. Having looked at guitars online before I left, I headed to Tottenham Court Road and now I am the proud owner of an acoustic guitar, no joke. Money can't buy happiness, but it does help. I'm going to learn a few things and then maybe make a cover of Jesu's Star because, now that I am calmer, all the constant noise from the drums and guitar and everything together doesn't sound so good, however, I think it could sound good if it was played on an acoustic guitar.

I've also decided something today. For the time being I should resign to my fate, he doesn't want to talk to me, who can blame him, I guess. So instead of always bothering him, probably interrupting his outings with friends or whatever he is doing nowadays (I don't want to think about that), I will think about all the things that might have annoyed him, or that I did wrong, and I'm gonna fix them. I thought I was a bit boring at times and didn't have much of a hobby, so I'm gonna take up blogging and learning/playing guitar as hobbies. Also, as with everyone knows who has foreskin, it's hard to keep the area clean, and I thought I was pretty clean! But sometimes it wasn't apparently, he was... different, so his was always clean. I'm not going to radically change mine, that would be a bit risky now, maybe someday, who knows, but well, I'll just pay special attention to it, although... it doesn't matter now since no one is going to see it. And that brings me to another thing. In the past, I have used Gaydar to hook up, I have also met nice people there, but I ended up not talking to them as much as I would like, so for however long it takes, I'm not going to have sex. I have been gauging myself lately and I don't have any urges, except, perhaps, for a couple of days ago when I thought about him... no no no, not gonna think about him like that.

Since being with him, I have realised that Maths is quite important for quick thinking in everyday life, and so my other resolution is related to that, I will at least learn statistics which doesn't seem so bad.

Apart from the mathematics, the rest, I am already doing anyway. I think the most important for me, and this was something that I just said to myself from the beginning, is to learn to talk to people without assuming they are sex maniacs because that turns me into one myself, so I will just tweak that aspect. You, fellow reader, are probably thinking this is all bullshit if you don't know me. There is a field of pseudo-science which deals with caligraphy called graphology and they believe that a man who can change his handwriting can also change his whole self. I have done both. My handwriting nowadays is a carefully thought out mixture of other people's handwriting which I have liked throughout the years, it's not as easy as you might think, there are certain quirks your hand has when you are writing which can be hard to tame, (like the wild beasts in that child's eyes). So I think I can do this. I have done similar things in the past, namely anime (and now I am addicted), but I feel mature enough to achieve this. So next time we meet, I will be better. Ah let's see how long this feeling will last before being consumed my desperation and depression, he's still in my head, everywhere I go, when I sleep, when I listen to music, when I run. *sigh* I'm gonna play for a bit.

P.S.: Almost forgot, the reason for making this post and talking about the guitar was actually because I am hugging mine right now and it makes me feel better, it's almost like hugging him, it's the right width, just a bit harder... and black. :/ I should post a pic, so here it goes:

See u tomorrow.

Day 23

I don't care anymore. Whether I live or die. There is this boy in my dreams that is walking along the beach, the sun is setting, and there is some fog in the air, it smells of sea, and it's cold, it's getting cold. The beach is deserted, except for the wall of rocks encircling it, framing the bay and dividing it from the rest of  town. The little boy is tired, he has been walking around for days looking for something, he can't find it.

He has been looking for exactly 6 years,  72 months, 2 191 days, and a few hours, and he decides to rest. I take a look at his face and his face has caved in, the skin stuck against his cheekbones and the skin around his eyes is dark. His whole body is covered in thick, blond hair from the hunger, his only food has been the mussels on the rocks and his water that from the sea. Every day he walks that beach and he asks the people "Have you seen...", "Have you seen my...", and he always faints before telling people what it is he is searching for. He forgot it. He doesn't know what it is. All he knows is that he hasn't found it.

One day he is walking along the beach and he hears a distant scream, it's a girl, near the rocks. He approaches with curiosity, his frail heart trembling with fear and excitement. As he draws near, he sees the shape of a monstrous man, bent over a pair of red and bruised legs, he is moving his body rapidly and at each thrust, the girl screams more and more, the little boy hides behind one of the rocks, his face is blank, he doesn't understand. The girl, in her twenties, screams more and more to a climax when her last scream is heard: a gutural sound which reminded the little boy of the sound of waves bursting against the entrance of a cave, there was no other sound after that, and she lay there, motionless whilst the man kept moving, an animal, zealously utilising his prey until there was nothing left, but there was, for him, there was nothing more than the body and for as long as it was there, he kept moving, thrusting against it. The little boy approached the man, he left his rock and walked over to the girl, he looked at her motionless face and gasped. As he did, a huge shadow, which loomed over him for less than a second, materialised into a rock which crushed his infantile body, which mixed his insides with the fog in the air, the rocks, the sand, and the sea which he had searched for the past 6 years, not even then, as he gazed at the back of his skull, did he know how old exactly he was, he was 100, and he was 1 at the same time, because he had reached his time to die, but had never really found what he was meant to find in this life. Or did he? As he said goodbye to his body, he looked to the sun, setting, one last time, and he saw a girl, maybe in her 30s, open arms, saying something which he could not hear, it was death, so he drew nearer, and she embraced him, kissed his head and said "Welcome home", he gasped and said "Have you seen my... shell?" and as he said this, Death took her hood and her long blonde hair fell down her back, she cut a strand of it and gave it to the boy saying "She searched for you as well". He took it and immediately understood those words. His eyes started to cry. Finally, as his cold body gazed at the sky again, a single tear rolled from his eye and, having found what he was looking for, he died.

I'm still in that beach it seems.

Day 22

I want to forget

Drop me in a desert
with no food or water
and I'd crawl my way out.

Leave me here, without you,
and I'll die.

I'm brain dead.
I'm numb.
I'm dead.
Holy shit, I am really dead.

3 Billion people at arms length
And I'm still alone.
Talk to me.





If I could just ignore it...
If I could just forget it...
If I could just ignore it;
Like you do, like you.

If I could just forget it;
Like you do, like you.
You're gonna' be star.
All the dreams you are.
You're gonna' go so far;
Like you do, like you.

It won't be so hard;
Not for you, not you.
It won't be so hard;
Not for you, not you. (x8)
you..you...you...you...you..

Day 22

Angry Monday. I don't want to write anything. Cause: No communication drives me up the walls. I have burnt about 10 letters so far, lyrics and if I had photos they would be burnt as well. I HATE THIS SITUATION!! Now I WANT to listen to Kim.

And at the same time, the other me is writing him poems and letters and missing him and it's breaking my heart that I broke his, BUT FUCK IT ALL I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS.

Day 21

Hm. Today. Last night actually. I wasn't doing anything at home. I kept thinking about how shit my week had been, how much I miss him, and what he was doing now that he wasn't with me at the weekends, probably having fun I thought. So in the light of all of that I went out. A friend of mine offered to go with me, but not to the restaurant I wanted to go, and to be honest, I wanted to be alone. So I went to Tokyo Diner. I wonder why they don't give me a discount, the amount of times I go there... it's like my second home :/ So I ordered a chicken katsu bento as usual, and a salmon set which is salmon nigiri and sushi. Before I sat down though, the woman there turned to me and said they were full (ha!) I could see that there was a free table, one of the big ones, where her mate was, so she thought she was doing her a favour by saying it was full, thankfully, her friend was nicer than her so she said she didn't mind sharing the table with me, and that was how I had dinner with a Japanese for the first time. We didn't talk much, but I felt obliged to at least thank her in my best Japanese (Arigato gozaimasu), she commented how full the place was that night, I agreed but said I had seen worse, I told her I used to go there quite a lot, and asked about her, so she said she was there just because her friend worked there and that she was going out afterwards, so hey, I felt ok that she talked to me, a Japanese person! It was also the first time someone said Itadakimasu without me having to nag them haha, it was very cool because I antecipated it, put my hands together and bowed whilst saying it, she giggled a bit. She giggled even more when I said it myself, it was fun. So I had all that food and felt soooo full, I think it was the first time I was honestly full from Tokyo Diner. I had a Spanish couple to my left who insulted the waiters on more than one occasion. They asked for a knife and fork, and kept calling a Japanese red colour powder "Chinese", needless to say, the waitress almost slammed down their bowl of ramen on the table as he tried to utter a "gracia... thank you!* . Halfway through my meal, the Japanese girl left and so towards the end of my dinner I decided to talk to the Spanish couple, asked them if that was their first time in a Japanese Restaurant. The guy looked a bit offended and explained that he wanted a knife and fork because his (I assume) girlfriend had, and now I'm gonna call things for what they are, herpes (a cold sore) and so couldn't eat hard stuff - well why the hell did you order chicken kara age?? *sigh*

I tried to help them out but he said "well, you try to split these pieces of chicken with chopsticks" so I returned to my own dinner :( After Tokyo Diner I decided to all my mum, and we were on the phone for an hour and something talking about my week and my current state of mind, she kept saying "you need to concentrate on your studies, that's what matters at the moment, I just hope that what you are feeling now is just a drop in the ocean, and that you don't feel anything worse in your life", hm, me too. I had ice cream, the most expensive ice cream I have EVER tried. It was... ok... almost 7£ flavour, anyone? It doesn't matter so much because my bursary is coming through so I thought I was allowed to splash out a littl,  just that night.

By the time I had finished talking to my mother, it was 1 in the morning, my ice cream was half melted, and I was feeling a bit better, I got home and thought about going to bed, so I stripped, got a t-shirt from the wardrobe, and as I handled it, I smelled something strange... it was nostalgic, a sweet smell, it made my stomach turn, half in a good way and half in a bad way, it smells (because I still have it on) of him. I started to cry as I put it on, I pulled it to my face and took a deep breath, and cried some more. At that time I reached for my D2 and looked through the songs to find something to take my mind off it, but I forgot I had only loaded a part of my collection so it had The Cure, Alanis, and a few others that had a connection with him. I settled for The Cranberries, and I listened to something that made me think about other things for the 2 or 3 minutes it lasted for, then, I resumed the crying, grabbed the Domo he gave me, and with those two items, a t-shirt that smelled of him, and a present, I hugged them and eventually fell asleep.

I woke up with Domo in my arms, my headphones still on, and the smell of the t-shirt was still there. It still is, even now, or maybe at this point it is just my imagination, I don't know. I listened to "I will survive" in the morning, a couple of times actually, and I faced the day, I've written up another post on my other blog so I recommend everyone to go read it, it's definitely happier than this. I miss him. I can't get over that. Everytime I tell myself he's over me, there's a voice inside me that screams even louder saying "BUT HE SHOULD BE YOURS" and I reply "He was...". Oh I miss him, oh I l..... what does that matter now?

Day 20

 I'd like to close my eyes, go numb
but there's a cold wind coming from
the top of the highest high-rise today.
It's not a breeze 'cause it blows hard.
Yes and it wants me to discard the humanity I know,
watch the warmth blow away.

So don't let the world bring you down.
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold.
Remember why you came and while you're alive
experience the warmth before you grow old.

So do you think I should adhere to that pressing new frontier?
And leave in my wake a trail of fear?
Or should I hold my head up high
and throw a wrench in spokes by
leaving the air behind me clear?

So don't let the world bring you down.
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold.
Remember why you came and while you're alive
experience the warmth before you go.


Before you grow old.
Where did it go? (x4)

Day 20

Over the past week I have been e-mailing the editor of a new magazine that I am hoping to write for in the near future. She has now sent me a few examples of work done by some of the people working with her, it looks promising. She is looking for someone to write about the experience of living abroad, well I am quite open to do that sort of thing, I used to write about it to my friend Cat in Portugal, however, this is different, somewhat more professional, so I won't mention my expectations of finding lines of people with blue eyes for me to drool over, but rather, I'll talk about the experience of actually coming down and living in a place I had only seen for real once for a few days. Whilst I am thinking about the content, it seems she already has a title in mind, so she asked me if I had a girlfriend (oh the irony, and how refreshing that she is assuming I am heterosexual, how continental), she went on to explain that her other blogger is a single girl in Argentina and the name of her blog/column is SWF (single white female), which tentatively puts me as SPM (Single Portuguese Male). I have started doodling, heavily. I am just beyond nervous at this point, I am not sure how comfortable I am with announcing something like that as if it was a trophy or an invitation of some sort. In addition to that, she tells me that her blogger is prone to discussing certain encounters with males in Argentina, so she was hoping I could do the same and comment on the girls. HA! This part made me chuckle. Not only am I too much of a prude to have a title such as SPM (which sort of sounds like the Jewish way of saying SPAM) I would also not be able to comment on the girls, it might come as a disappointment, but I would also be commenting on encounters with men! Ah this made me chuckle inside. Plus, at the moment, for reasons that have been repeatedly stated, I am in no condition to meet men or women for that matter.

 Bah, on that matter, I am feeling more and more ridiculous by the minute. This is the sort of childish relationship that people look back on when they are older and say "well that was stupid, and hurtful, we were so young..." I mean, what sort of love do you have for someone when you can't even attempt to say hello to them? I am living in the eternal hope he will somehow wake up from his slumber and see that I am really sorry for what I did and that I want to be with him nonetheless. Or, alternatively, when will he deem it time to let me know that his feelings for me are no more? As I said, until the New Year. New Year, new life, new beginning. I feel the holidays approaching quite rapidly and I think the time of healing is approaching, I just wish it got a move on because I need to be fresh and ready for my exams and the irregularity of my presence in class is already being noticed. The sort of life I am leading at the moment involves trying to see through the enormous pile of washing I have in my room from the past 3 or 4 weeks and smelling each item I want to wear in order to evaluate the social damage the smell might inflict. So far it hasn't been too bad, but I really need to sort that out. I am down to eating no more than 2 meals a day and to my stomach complaining incessantly every day. I am resigned to look at my phone longingly, hoping that something like "I hate you" might pop up, even that, would be quite refreshing to see. I log into messenger everyday, in the hope that it might trigger another comment, a hello, anything at all. Ah it is indeed frustrating, especially not knowing how he is feeling, I know that all of this is speculation, which is why I repeat these things every day, because I don't know what is happening with him and if he is really suffering inside, or has simply forgotten everything and is living his life happily. Everytime I don't see him online I think about his regular outings to the cinema, that used to cheer him up. Then, every time I go to bed, just like I am about to do now, I have flashbacks, and I imagine his sleeping face, the cats snuggling up to him, the sound of the hard drive going crazy in the corner. Hm, I regret saying commenting on his feelings for me, what do I know. I know the pain he is going through, but we all have different ways to show and to deal with them, and he knows how to hurt me a lot more than I did with my ex. I remember I talked to him every day after dumping him, until, a week or so later, I found out he was already seeing other people. That was the time that the rest of my feelings for him vanished and an enormous sense of injustice took over me, I wanted revenge so badly, so badly, I wanted every bone in his body to crack under a slow moving road-roller. I wanted his mother to read through all of the logs and all of the evidence I had gathered and then ask her to tell me, to my face, that he could do better than me. I wanted his father to know how much he had enjoyed being with his brother, intimately, and his other brother to know how much he despised him. I wouldn't say I am evil per se, but I used to hold a grudge, a very big one at that, and now, suddenly, it's all gone. The mistrust I had carried over from him is gone, the justification I felt in betraying R due to the suspicions and the mistrust I had gathered, it's all gone, but then again, so is he, and no amount of writing can actually calm that frustration and pain. At times, it feels like the whole World has a vendetta against me, that for him to punish me with his silence is not enough, that everything in my life has to go wrong  because of my mistakes. I know it isn't so, I make my own decisions, I affect my own life, and my state of mind is what is making me fail at everything at the moment, but this will change, eventually, I hope. I really have to stop going to bed at this time of night. I end up writing depressing things because I stay awake all through the period when I am just over-thinking everything. I am so going to regret half of the things written here when I read this later... 

Day 20

Hello, other me?
I'm watching Sxephil's channel on Youtube. I can safely say he is God. Ok maybe not safely, and maybe not God God, some minor deity like Allah or Budha perhaps. The fact of the matter is, the guy is really funny and it's making me think that this business of writing or doing stuff online should not be a selfish matter like this blog is, he's got the right idea, entertaining people, being funny, ah, he is really cool.

And yet here I am, updating this sad excuse for a diary every day whilst neglecting my happy channel - the lack of happiness lately probably has something to do with that :/
Oh, I created a new Facebook group today as well, it's the Portuguese version of "Hilarity of changing the words wand for willy in the Harry Potter books". I even modified an image with Gimp! (That's how committed I am!). Ah bummer, I woke up at 4 (in the friggin' afternoon) so now it is almost 3 and I am not sleepy at all. I'm gonna play Oblivion or something though and then go to bed.

Day 19

Has it really been 19 days? Well, 24 to be precise. You can usually tell that time has gone by because there is some sort of change. In that respect, the time on the moon must go by really slowly. For me, it's been like living on the moon, everything is in slow motion. I can count the days, and I know it has been a long time, but I don't have that perception. It seems like yesterday I was arranging to see him on the Weekend, now, I am trying to occupy my head with other things, I will go play on the arcades with Ma since I won the last two times (who can blame him, I was addicted to Mario Kart, I would say I'm not too shabby at it). Most of the time, I am failing miserably, yesterday was such a day, and tonight is such a night. I have tried my hardest to divert from thinking about that person. I have had moments tonight where I was so frustrated I just wanted to call the person and ask them straight out if they are thinking about us two.
Deep inside, I think the answer is no. I doubt he has even so much as sat down and read this blog, hell, who cares! This is public is for anyone who wants to read or not read I guess. I want to change the topic, block out these thoughts and think about myself only!I read on a flyer the other day about a book being released entitled "Letters to my 16 year old self". It sounds like something really interesting to do, I am thinking of doing one myself, and probably post it on here. Maybe if Cat joins me we can then compare them, that would be fun. Although it hasn't been that long since I was 16, I can already think of a few things that I would say to myself. The first one being "don't date that douchebag", every time I think about it, the surer I am that I wasted 2 years of my life in a relationship which was just a farce from the beginning, out of charity, for a mouse (that's not a man) who couldn't face up to his own mistakes and be true, despite the numerous chances I gave him. Ridiculous really.


Argh this is so weird and melodramatic I am weirding myself out. Jesus Christ! I wonder if the Vagina Monologues are like this. I guess these would be the penis monologues though.


Ah, better go to bed now, fuck the rest.

Day 18

Had a bad day. A really bad day. It started last night, or this week even, I have been convinced that that book I have been reading, well, I thought the presentation was due in today. So I was stressing last night until quite late at night reading and making notes, and even this morning, so I got on the tube and by some miracle the alarm sounded, so I felt I had a legitimate reason right there, so I took my time and was half an hour late, I mean, big deal when all you need to do is get there on time to present your book, right? Wrong. I was late, not for my presentation but rather to some of the other people in my class, I made my excuse, not that it convinced or justified anything to anyone, but it got it off my chest. So I sat RIGHT IN FRONT of the teacher, which is actually not that much of a big deal, but still, when you're late, it's probably not the best space. So the I sat there listening to the other people making their presentation and then I asked the teacher "Can I please still present on the second hour of the lesson?" his response: "I thought you were supposed to present next week...?" me: "Oh right!...hmm", to which he said "However, one of the girls that was due to present this week is not here, so if you want to present yours now that's f..." me: "No no no no, I'm ok, if you think about it, I'll have more time to go over my stuff, *nervous laugh* yeah yeah, don't worry, woah *nervous smile* and here I was all worried in the tube and this morning" him: *you-are-a-slob smile* me: *please-kill-me-now smile*.

*sigh*

So then I headed over to the Department Manager to ask about my Erasmus application. She says that the Foreign Students department is what takes care of that sort of thing so she has emailed them (CCed to be more precise). So I had an hour to kill. I went to the bank.

I got a letter yesterday saying that my bank was going to charge me 8£ for a payment which was returned due to the necessary funds not being in my account. Trouble is, it's not a payment, it's a standing order that I set up every month to go into my own savings account, which is ALSO with them. So I went in and basically said, look guys, I didn't know I didn't have enough funds, this is my own account, it seems silly that you're charging me for something like this when there is no loss for you, there is no admin charges or other banks implicated, it's simply a matter of not having the funds at the time in that account! Plus, this is the first time this has ever happened, can you please refund me those charges?

After he noted down my details, he disappeared into someone's office, I presume that was his manager, he came back, shook his head again and said "well, it is really impossible for us to refund you the money..." and it sounded like he was going to say "but... I can do this or that". No Sir, nothing. He just stood there and told me that, "explaining", quite tautologically, that I was charged because there weren't enough funds, when I asked him what costs or admin fees the cost was supposed to cover he says "because there weren't enough funds", obviously. So the charge is for when you don't have enough funds, and because you didn't have enough funds, you were charged. Well done, Aristotle. Douchebag.

So that made the rest of my day shit. I came home, found two packages, opened the first one to find WHITE earphones, when I specifically ordered black - *sends angry email at the most useless shop I have had the misery to deal with: Zunethings.co.uk*. I also went to Holland and Barretts (I think that's the name) and bought a big pack of vitamin supplements and a book from the Book Warehouse for 2£ entitled "The Evil Empire - 101 ways that England ruined the World". It has been my therapy so far.

*breathes in, and out*

I am going to read this in a couple of months time and think "Gosh, was I really that petty". I guess at the moment any little thing is turned into a huge big deal, at least I am aware how insignificant these things are in the great big picture: a) I've wasted far more than 8£ on useless crap in the past. b) It's an honest mistake to swap the colour when you're not a big name trader like Amazon or something, I should cut them some slack I suppose. c) I should have known when my own presentation was :/

Day 18

Oops, cried again :/ It was "Far away"'s fault though! I blame its press-where-it-hurts lyrics :( I'm almost halfway through Antes que anochezca and so far I can say I don't like Castro either.

Ok, now it is actually day 18, when I posted before it was near midnight so it's like day 18 anyway.

Day 18?

I think it's day 18, sorry, I'm in the middle of reading my book so I don't have time to check. Well, I do have time, but it's meaningless!

I just wanted to have a little rant and ask WHY OH WHY do all the blogs that are supposed to be related to mine (using the "Next Blog" feature) feature babies. I am serious people, 80% of the ones I have come across so far are from mothers blogging away about their "purple monkey"'s 3rd birthday or how much they love being retired, or something like that! Seriously! I am talking about a breakup, not about having babies!

It has just occurred to me that maybe the more times I use the word baby, the more likely my blog is to now be associated with those baby bloggers, so actually my rant will worsen my problem :/ Argh!! NO MORE BABY BLOGS, seriously!

Btw, I thought it was just this blog, but actually, my other blog, about Japan and Anime and that sort of things, is ALSO followed by babies, with a good measure of food blogs in the middle - which are not so bad btw, I have started following a few, but Jesus Christ, no more baby blogs before I grow a uterus and join the crowd.

Thank you

Day 17

Tonight I cried again. I think it will be the last time I'll cry over missing him, at least in this manner. Listen to The Cure - Cut Here. I don't know if it will have the same effect it has on me. It makes me cry and has that strong an effect on me because of what it represents: it's a band that R likes a lot and their presence in my Music Library is mostly due to him. I've got their Greatest Hits album, nothing, compared to his collection of albums and knowledge of the band, it really is amazing to talk to him about those things, he knows what he is saying. Truth is, it's not just The Cure, it's R.E.M., Dashboard Confessional, Jack's Mannequin, Bright Eyes, etc. To me, it's like I'm back at his place, like nothing is wrong, then the lyrics transport me somewhere else, and in the case of Cut Here, to the present, down to reality.

I want to talk to you, so let's make a pact (you're in front of me), I have to be decisive, I will set a time for me to wait for you to break the silence like you want. I want to give you however long you want but it should boil down to this, Love, is there any left? Is there enough for us to rebuild our life again? From my part, I will give you all I have, and more, but the ball has fallen squarely in your court now so I can't do much more at this point. I recognise my mistakes, but I also know that it is sad not to live with someone who you think, deep inside, is right for you, or for whom you still have *that* feeling. I don't want to spend my life searching if the answer is in front of me. I miss you so so so so so so so SO much. I wish you would know that. Trust is hard to be regained, but it is certainly not impossible.

So I will talk to you one day, if I don't hear from you until then, and I will have this conversation in person, I hope you can make time to hear me out for a bit. If you get the chance, listen to Cut Here again, I'm sure you know it by heart already, like you always do, I find it makes sense in our situation.

This post should have been posted last night at around midnight, I fell asleep reading my book though :( And now I'm too late to get the Tori Amos wristbands. *sigh* To be frank though, I don't have enough time to spare to go to the gig anyway, although I would have liked to go :(

Day 16 - part 2

I found something on Amazon for him! hahaha I am quite proud of this since I've always been rubbish at getting presents. Oh man I want it as well. :( There's no point in getting it for me though because I can't use it, he could though! Ah this has made my day.

What he wants the most though, and so do I, is for our situation to be different. Bah. From that perspective, thinking about presents seems so annoyingly stupid :@ As if everything was fine. I can lie to myself about that but I know it's not alright. No, wait, there is no us anymore. :'(((

But wait, I have be patient too. He said that when he wants to, he'll talk to me, so all I can do is hold tight and focus on sorting out my academic life (God knows it needs sorting). I hope by the time he wants to talk to me we can have some sort of regular contact or piece things together : / Should I even have such hopes? Maybe not. It's hard to hold onto something when there is no contact from him, and especially so when my actions were the catalyst, but hey, I gotta stop thinking about this and get something to eat - I bought weatabix! (only when I got home did I remember where I had them for the first time *sigh* = ( )

I'll start posting more pics.

Day 16

Hm, woke up at 10 today, which is not half bad for someone who went to bed at almost 2 in the morning I'd say. Looked at my phone (half scared). Then turned on my computer, went on Gmail and got this: 

And that made me smile, a bit. Also saw this:

Big cuteness factor there! The first image can be found here and the video, here. 

And today I'm not feeling all that good, my brain keeps spinning, thinking about something to do for him, but fearing the consequences if he just wants me to lay still in the corner. Argh, pathetic. I watched La Vie en Rose yesterday, it's ok. If you like French films, Edith Piaff, and musicals, I probably wouldn't recommend it though, I found the storyline a bit confusing, all over the place, and if someone was to ask me "So what happened in her life", all I can tell you is that she knew someone called Titine when she was a child who took care of her, that her father was a douche and that a fighter called Marcel died on the night she asked him to fly over from Morocco, I don't think that is enough of a summary to be frank so I haven't learnt much in terms of her life. The soundtrack was very good, however, and I will be ripping a song or two from my CD.

Thanks for reading I guess.