Update

Hey, sorry I haven't been posting, I am stationed outside Macdonalds just to write this very quickly and note down the email address so I can post what I've been writing via e-mail on my phone. I aim to have everything posted by the end of today, purely ritualistic, this being the last day of the year and all, for the sake of tidying my thoughts :) So if you like depressing stuff before the big renewal, watch this space! New year, new life, as we say in my country, and I will be making that my motto today.

Have a great New Year!

Day 32/33

Today has been almost peaceful.
I say almost because I still haven't done anything, and I still feel like I have completely messed up my education because of it. I wouldn't say it's irreversible at this point though. Well, it's more the case that it CAN'T be irreversible, I don't know what I'd do if that happened.

It's like I'm in a limbo now, not quite sure what to think/do with myself. This just seems to have thrown my whole life upside down. Then I look at Tiger Woods. Man... I lost count of the people he's been with : / Not trying to be harsh with him or anything but he is/was married, before that there was the dating and everything, if he had issues he had plenty of time to sort them out. :S And plus, some of his "flings" lasted longer than all my relationships, so man, I have no idea how he was able to do it. :S

Bah, it's almost 4 and my fingers are practically bleeding. As usual, no news from him. I'm going home on Sunday, it's gonna be another one of those crying my eyes out moments when I get on that train. :/ I just can't wait. :/

Day 32

(it's the only pic I got around here atm, I was crying when I took it in the tube)

Whoa, I've officially gone over the 1 month milestone. It actually feels like a very sad engagement at this point, I feel bad for not commemorating with my fellow colleagues from the AA meetings.

Jokes aside, I know coffee is bad for me. I have to have it whenever I pull an all-nighter like last night/yesterday/today it just all feels like one big, long day. I finished my essay, barely on time, my adrenaline rush didn't kick in until much later in the night so at around 9:30 I was still finishing the essay. I got it in before 10 though, and that is positive!

Now I'm home, feeling very sleepy. I don't want to fall asleep just yet though otherwise I will wake up in the middle of the night. At the same time, I don't want to be awake tonight because  I am just remembered that tonight is the night when he made plans already. Perfectly legitimate and entitled, man, who am I to even comment on that. The fact I haven't got any more essays to hand in, however, induces in me a slap in the face/kick in the stomach moment when I realise that I miss him still.

I went to Borders today, their big shop in Tottenham Court Road is closing in 6 days so they're selling everything in there: fixtures, pianos, etc. I bet if they could, they would sell the staff - yet another company to "go under Administration" - funny how, suddenly, everyone is an economist, I don't even know what they mean by "going under Admin", my brain just switched to Evanescence when I read that. Ah, so as I was saying, I went to Borders and I bought Maroon 5's debut album for 2.50£, the second Mock the Week book, and a very strange Spongebob Squarepants thing. It was an impulse buy. I don't even like Spongebob! I had the same feeling the other day when I say a spongebob ukeleke, and a spongebob plectrum, I didn't/haven't bought those yet though. Why on earth did I get this? I can't even look at it now without making my ugly face of "ah fuck i'm not gonna cry now, that's lame".

In class today, we watched parts of the film Before Night Falls. Normally, I am not a fan of gay films, I can't give a reasonable explanation atm as to why, I just don't like them. But I watched this film, and from what I've seen, it is very well made, he would watch it with me. Hell, I know lots of people would probably watch it with me, but is it stupid that I want to watch it with him? Probably. So yeah, I cried during that as well, in the scene when he is in prison and he's cold, shivering, in a corner of the "galera", galery? The way those galleries in prison are described are very much like Dante's Inferno, it might have been intentional since he was a writer, but in the film, this was very well done, I highly recommend it.

I'm still sleepy now, not as sad. My head hurts a bit.

I want a new soul

a way to start anew.

I want to be strong and fast and smart

I want to be free and yours

I don't want to just stick to your sole

I want you to be the one to put me there.

Day 31

I AM SCARED!
Ok, during the summer of 2000 and.... 8 I think, I went to France, Spain and Portugal. During my travels I came across lots of people, but none made a more lasting impression than this guy from Mexico. I practiced some of my "awful" Spanish with him and we exchanged contacts. I knew he was not just straight (at the very least), but hey, he is probably old enough to be my father!

But apparently he doesn't think so! He added me on MSN today (he says it was a while ago, I just never said hi). I'm not gonna say what he said, and the whole conversation was in Spanish (which was excellent practice for my essay, up until a point!) but whoa, thank God for the Atlantic Ocean.

Still, I found the whole thing mildly amusing, and he knows about the book I'm reading as well, not quite sure how that is going to help my essay really since he didn't answer anything about the book, but I just thought it is cool. It was good to talk to someone from that period. I have this Dutch guy's email SOMEWHERE among my things as well but I don't think I should add him since it's been SO long now. Bah, the shock of talking to the Mexican guy has put me in the mood for studying now, which is sad because I wanted to play Oblivion and procrastinate, and fulfil Facebook's prediction - Oh yeah, I took a Facebook test which said that in 10 years time I will be on the streets. Cheers, fat, middle-aged test author :/

Hm, apart from that, I was considering not even writing today because I was just feeling so crap. He texted me back today. It wasn't like a "proper" conversation, but he let me know that he would be out on Thursday... : / Skipping over how that makes me feel, and more importantly, skipping all the scenarios in my head, all the paradigms I'm creating, etc. I also asked if he had plans for the New Year, I mean, I imagined he did anyway, but I just wanted to keep the conversation going I guess, probably not a very smart move? Who knows. I've talked to M today, very very briefly, he was feeling down last night as well. As he says, we're like two old ladies, always complaining and crying all the time... last night we made the most old womanly thing ever: we said we had a cold coming because of a few snivels. lame

In my defence I have to say I only thought about it, he said it first.If he was here I would probably be brewing tea right about now and saying something along the lines of "ooh Matilda (that's M's old woman name), pass me the honey dear, oh how Rupert (that's my deceased husband's name) loved honey, he wouldn't have it without honey" Matilda - "The tea?" Me - "er... that as well"

So there you go, it's not a completely depressing post this time I guess! I've been listening to "Because of you" though, it's about family cycles,etc. Now THAT would be a depressing post.

Peace

Day 29/30

End here

I am searching

for a reason to sleep

to rest my body and soul.

To lay this to rest, to end.

But life is a cycle, and when I think it's over

It starts all over again, nothing ever stays
no one ever stays.

Everything is change.

The apocalypse is now

and you've been judged

pay for your sins, wicked one

your blood will feed the corpses

of a thousand crows.

Now you're out of time

there's no forgiveness.

Pay the price for your actions,

you can scream for your life

you can die a thousand times

but you will never be forgiven.

I'm taking your heart

you're burning my soul

I'm hurting your mind

You're murdering me whole

Pathetic wimp, are you dead yet?

Day 28

That's today. I decided to update the blog since I haven't been able to write much lately. I still don't know what to write today. I've been listening to Shakira's "Estoy Aqui" an awful lot lately. The song talks about someone who won't come back, that what's happened won't ever come back. She says that if the person still thinks about her then she will be there, still, (Estoy aqui) waiting for that person. I thought it was poetically ironic that I should buy that album at a time like this. The whole album, Pies Descalzos is made up of love songs, songs about losing someone, etc. I sent him an e-mail, and I am making a real effort to not contact him any more.
Although I have been thinking, lately, that next week, when I've finished my essay, I want to go to his house and try to see him, to talk to him, if possible.

Day 27

Saturday, yesterday, I was talking to my best friend for most of the day, also talked to M, my mother, and wrote something to add to my pile of letters and thoughts unsent.
I went to bed at 5.
On Friday, I went to bed at 8.

Day 26

Friday. I went to HMV at 10PM to buy some CDs, I bought:

- Kelly Clarkson - Breakaway

- Shakira - Pies Descalzos
               - Dónde están los ladrones?

-System of a Down - Toxicity
                               - System of a Down
                               - Steal this album!

 - Melody Gardot - Worrysome Heart

 - Regina Spektor - Far

 - Norah Jones - Come away with me

I think I want to return Melody's album, I didn't like it as much as I thought I would to be honest. In fact, from all of the albums I bought, I only really liked System of a Down and Shakira.

On Friday, I reflected again about what happened on Thursday. I had my oral presentation, which went better than expected. I made a few comparisons that not a lot of people thought about, so I felt a bit better about myself. After that lesson, however, I started getting very painful stomach cramps and couldn't go to the rest of my lessons, it was one of the few times when I had a legitimate reason not to go. I went to the WC and stayed there until it was ok. Altogether, I spent almost 2 hours in there. My bad eating habits lately were/are finally taking its toll.

I went to the National Portrait Gallery and the National Gallery after that. Afterwards, I went into an Art shop that is next to the National Gallery because they had clay on sale. Whilst I was looking at some clay which was in a bottom shelf, a member of staff which was reshelving some glue sticks, shoved a couple to the pack of the shelf and 2 or three sticks came crashing down, on my head. He apologised and left then. So I picked up the clay and went to pay. As I stood there I was thinking about my rent which was due on that day and planned to go to Barclays afterwards. What happened was that The Cure came on, specifically the song "Friday I'm in Love", here it is, with a video.

The Cure - Friday I'm In Love
Uploaded by hushhush112. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

And so it happened, I couldn't stop it, I started crying. I looked at the floor and tried my hardest to stop the tears, but they wouldn't stop. I mumbled thank you to the woman and ran to Leicester Square tube station where I spent the entire journey home looking at the floor. That was my Thursday.

Day 25

I'm trying. Trying so damn hard not to think about him, and just now, I had a stupid thought of us meeting again. I have just pushed it to the back of my mind for a moment so I could write about it, hopefully it will stay on the screen.
Ok, it was the very unlikely scenario of meeting him at the wedding of one of his friends. They were the 2nd people I met related to him, and they were very cool, thinking about it now, it seems like it was in another life, I was so happy then, and so was him I think. I don't want to think about it that way, my mind always betrays me and asks me "Why can't we be like that again" and then my eyes threaten to give out, my heart races, my breathing gets heavier... and then I tell myself STOP this. And then there is silence, in my mind. But soon enough, it starts again "why, why why WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY" and a more miserable image of me appears in my head, crying, begging me to make it go away, to make everything right again. In that surrealist landscape I can see a healthy, sexual me, but it's dead, I killed it, I feel no remorse, I put the cure away, and it's something I am happy with. Then, there is the romantic me, he has a guitar and is playing all the songs I've written perfectly, he's playing them outside his house, on the front garden, he is not crying on the outside, but I can see in his eyes that he is sad.
I look at all these people and I think, which one am I? The dead one? But I have the guitar? I think it is really a mixture of all of them, logically, they are all part of me, I just need to embrace them, even the miserable bastard crying on the floor, the corpse and the other, all together. They all agree in one thing: they don't like the present. 

Day 24

Ahhhh man I'm so lame, I've got 3 hours to read a book and make a presentation! I've been watching K-On! today and I feel like Yui now! I'm also lame because I tried to call him. I'm just the embodiment of lameness. I should just open the damn book and read. Oh my room is a mess. Ohh I don't have any food! *goes out to buy food*. Have I mentioned a man was stabbed outside my local Sainsbury's? I'm going there now! :D

Dia 23

Today has been...ok. I woke up, thought about him, then thought about my test. I am starting to like tests and assignments: the urgency to do well takes over me and I can be at peace for the hour that it lasts for. So I went to do my test and it went... ok. I was late, and that was my downfall this time, I definitely could feel the pen becoming lighter as I wrote, and that is a good sign, I felt in control, I knew what to write, I knew what I wanted from the questions, the adrenaline was intoxicating at times because it felt so good to read the text and immediately know what I was supposed to do, and still, I didn't have time to do the translation as well as I would have liked so I ended up writing things like "the lullaby soothes and tames the wild and restless beasts in the child's eyes" I mean, what does that even mean??  But hey, it's done and dusted, can't change it now. Like a lot of things. Unlike other things though, I don't feel regret, it's just gone, I'll do better next time, I know that.

As I walked home, I was torn between two things: cinema or guitar. Having looked at guitars online before I left, I headed to Tottenham Court Road and now I am the proud owner of an acoustic guitar, no joke. Money can't buy happiness, but it does help. I'm going to learn a few things and then maybe make a cover of Jesu's Star because, now that I am calmer, all the constant noise from the drums and guitar and everything together doesn't sound so good, however, I think it could sound good if it was played on an acoustic guitar.

I've also decided something today. For the time being I should resign to my fate, he doesn't want to talk to me, who can blame him, I guess. So instead of always bothering him, probably interrupting his outings with friends or whatever he is doing nowadays (I don't want to think about that), I will think about all the things that might have annoyed him, or that I did wrong, and I'm gonna fix them. I thought I was a bit boring at times and didn't have much of a hobby, so I'm gonna take up blogging and learning/playing guitar as hobbies. Also, as with everyone knows who has foreskin, it's hard to keep the area clean, and I thought I was pretty clean! But sometimes it wasn't apparently, he was... different, so his was always clean. I'm not going to radically change mine, that would be a bit risky now, maybe someday, who knows, but well, I'll just pay special attention to it, although... it doesn't matter now since no one is going to see it. And that brings me to another thing. In the past, I have used Gaydar to hook up, I have also met nice people there, but I ended up not talking to them as much as I would like, so for however long it takes, I'm not going to have sex. I have been gauging myself lately and I don't have any urges, except, perhaps, for a couple of days ago when I thought about him... no no no, not gonna think about him like that.

Since being with him, I have realised that Maths is quite important for quick thinking in everyday life, and so my other resolution is related to that, I will at least learn statistics which doesn't seem so bad.

Apart from the mathematics, the rest, I am already doing anyway. I think the most important for me, and this was something that I just said to myself from the beginning, is to learn to talk to people without assuming they are sex maniacs because that turns me into one myself, so I will just tweak that aspect. You, fellow reader, are probably thinking this is all bullshit if you don't know me. There is a field of pseudo-science which deals with caligraphy called graphology and they believe that a man who can change his handwriting can also change his whole self. I have done both. My handwriting nowadays is a carefully thought out mixture of other people's handwriting which I have liked throughout the years, it's not as easy as you might think, there are certain quirks your hand has when you are writing which can be hard to tame, (like the wild beasts in that child's eyes). So I think I can do this. I have done similar things in the past, namely anime (and now I am addicted), but I feel mature enough to achieve this. So next time we meet, I will be better. Ah let's see how long this feeling will last before being consumed my desperation and depression, he's still in my head, everywhere I go, when I sleep, when I listen to music, when I run. *sigh* I'm gonna play for a bit.

P.S.: Almost forgot, the reason for making this post and talking about the guitar was actually because I am hugging mine right now and it makes me feel better, it's almost like hugging him, it's the right width, just a bit harder... and black. :/ I should post a pic, so here it goes:

See u tomorrow.

Day 23

I don't care anymore. Whether I live or die. There is this boy in my dreams that is walking along the beach, the sun is setting, and there is some fog in the air, it smells of sea, and it's cold, it's getting cold. The beach is deserted, except for the wall of rocks encircling it, framing the bay and dividing it from the rest of  town. The little boy is tired, he has been walking around for days looking for something, he can't find it.

He has been looking for exactly 6 years,  72 months, 2 191 days, and a few hours, and he decides to rest. I take a look at his face and his face has caved in, the skin stuck against his cheekbones and the skin around his eyes is dark. His whole body is covered in thick, blond hair from the hunger, his only food has been the mussels on the rocks and his water that from the sea. Every day he walks that beach and he asks the people "Have you seen...", "Have you seen my...", and he always faints before telling people what it is he is searching for. He forgot it. He doesn't know what it is. All he knows is that he hasn't found it.

One day he is walking along the beach and he hears a distant scream, it's a girl, near the rocks. He approaches with curiosity, his frail heart trembling with fear and excitement. As he draws near, he sees the shape of a monstrous man, bent over a pair of red and bruised legs, he is moving his body rapidly and at each thrust, the girl screams more and more, the little boy hides behind one of the rocks, his face is blank, he doesn't understand. The girl, in her twenties, screams more and more to a climax when her last scream is heard: a gutural sound which reminded the little boy of the sound of waves bursting against the entrance of a cave, there was no other sound after that, and she lay there, motionless whilst the man kept moving, an animal, zealously utilising his prey until there was nothing left, but there was, for him, there was nothing more than the body and for as long as it was there, he kept moving, thrusting against it. The little boy approached the man, he left his rock and walked over to the girl, he looked at her motionless face and gasped. As he did, a huge shadow, which loomed over him for less than a second, materialised into a rock which crushed his infantile body, which mixed his insides with the fog in the air, the rocks, the sand, and the sea which he had searched for the past 6 years, not even then, as he gazed at the back of his skull, did he know how old exactly he was, he was 100, and he was 1 at the same time, because he had reached his time to die, but had never really found what he was meant to find in this life. Or did he? As he said goodbye to his body, he looked to the sun, setting, one last time, and he saw a girl, maybe in her 30s, open arms, saying something which he could not hear, it was death, so he drew nearer, and she embraced him, kissed his head and said "Welcome home", he gasped and said "Have you seen my... shell?" and as he said this, Death took her hood and her long blonde hair fell down her back, she cut a strand of it and gave it to the boy saying "She searched for you as well". He took it and immediately understood those words. His eyes started to cry. Finally, as his cold body gazed at the sky again, a single tear rolled from his eye and, having found what he was looking for, he died.

I'm still in that beach it seems.

Day 22

I want to forget

Drop me in a desert
with no food or water
and I'd crawl my way out.

Leave me here, without you,
and I'll die.

I'm brain dead.
I'm numb.
I'm dead.
Holy shit, I am really dead.

3 Billion people at arms length
And I'm still alone.
Talk to me.





If I could just ignore it...
If I could just forget it...
If I could just ignore it;
Like you do, like you.

If I could just forget it;
Like you do, like you.
You're gonna' be star.
All the dreams you are.
You're gonna' go so far;
Like you do, like you.

It won't be so hard;
Not for you, not you.
It won't be so hard;
Not for you, not you. (x8)
you..you...you...you...you..

Day 22

Angry Monday. I don't want to write anything. Cause: No communication drives me up the walls. I have burnt about 10 letters so far, lyrics and if I had photos they would be burnt as well. I HATE THIS SITUATION!! Now I WANT to listen to Kim.

And at the same time, the other me is writing him poems and letters and missing him and it's breaking my heart that I broke his, BUT FUCK IT ALL I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS.

Day 21

Hm. Today. Last night actually. I wasn't doing anything at home. I kept thinking about how shit my week had been, how much I miss him, and what he was doing now that he wasn't with me at the weekends, probably having fun I thought. So in the light of all of that I went out. A friend of mine offered to go with me, but not to the restaurant I wanted to go, and to be honest, I wanted to be alone. So I went to Tokyo Diner. I wonder why they don't give me a discount, the amount of times I go there... it's like my second home :/ So I ordered a chicken katsu bento as usual, and a salmon set which is salmon nigiri and sushi. Before I sat down though, the woman there turned to me and said they were full (ha!) I could see that there was a free table, one of the big ones, where her mate was, so she thought she was doing her a favour by saying it was full, thankfully, her friend was nicer than her so she said she didn't mind sharing the table with me, and that was how I had dinner with a Japanese for the first time. We didn't talk much, but I felt obliged to at least thank her in my best Japanese (Arigato gozaimasu), she commented how full the place was that night, I agreed but said I had seen worse, I told her I used to go there quite a lot, and asked about her, so she said she was there just because her friend worked there and that she was going out afterwards, so hey, I felt ok that she talked to me, a Japanese person! It was also the first time someone said Itadakimasu without me having to nag them haha, it was very cool because I antecipated it, put my hands together and bowed whilst saying it, she giggled a bit. She giggled even more when I said it myself, it was fun. So I had all that food and felt soooo full, I think it was the first time I was honestly full from Tokyo Diner. I had a Spanish couple to my left who insulted the waiters on more than one occasion. They asked for a knife and fork, and kept calling a Japanese red colour powder "Chinese", needless to say, the waitress almost slammed down their bowl of ramen on the table as he tried to utter a "gracia... thank you!* . Halfway through my meal, the Japanese girl left and so towards the end of my dinner I decided to talk to the Spanish couple, asked them if that was their first time in a Japanese Restaurant. The guy looked a bit offended and explained that he wanted a knife and fork because his (I assume) girlfriend had, and now I'm gonna call things for what they are, herpes (a cold sore) and so couldn't eat hard stuff - well why the hell did you order chicken kara age?? *sigh*

I tried to help them out but he said "well, you try to split these pieces of chicken with chopsticks" so I returned to my own dinner :( After Tokyo Diner I decided to all my mum, and we were on the phone for an hour and something talking about my week and my current state of mind, she kept saying "you need to concentrate on your studies, that's what matters at the moment, I just hope that what you are feeling now is just a drop in the ocean, and that you don't feel anything worse in your life", hm, me too. I had ice cream, the most expensive ice cream I have EVER tried. It was... ok... almost 7£ flavour, anyone? It doesn't matter so much because my bursary is coming through so I thought I was allowed to splash out a littl,  just that night.

By the time I had finished talking to my mother, it was 1 in the morning, my ice cream was half melted, and I was feeling a bit better, I got home and thought about going to bed, so I stripped, got a t-shirt from the wardrobe, and as I handled it, I smelled something strange... it was nostalgic, a sweet smell, it made my stomach turn, half in a good way and half in a bad way, it smells (because I still have it on) of him. I started to cry as I put it on, I pulled it to my face and took a deep breath, and cried some more. At that time I reached for my D2 and looked through the songs to find something to take my mind off it, but I forgot I had only loaded a part of my collection so it had The Cure, Alanis, and a few others that had a connection with him. I settled for The Cranberries, and I listened to something that made me think about other things for the 2 or 3 minutes it lasted for, then, I resumed the crying, grabbed the Domo he gave me, and with those two items, a t-shirt that smelled of him, and a present, I hugged them and eventually fell asleep.

I woke up with Domo in my arms, my headphones still on, and the smell of the t-shirt was still there. It still is, even now, or maybe at this point it is just my imagination, I don't know. I listened to "I will survive" in the morning, a couple of times actually, and I faced the day, I've written up another post on my other blog so I recommend everyone to go read it, it's definitely happier than this. I miss him. I can't get over that. Everytime I tell myself he's over me, there's a voice inside me that screams even louder saying "BUT HE SHOULD BE YOURS" and I reply "He was...". Oh I miss him, oh I l..... what does that matter now?

Day 20

 I'd like to close my eyes, go numb
but there's a cold wind coming from
the top of the highest high-rise today.
It's not a breeze 'cause it blows hard.
Yes and it wants me to discard the humanity I know,
watch the warmth blow away.

So don't let the world bring you down.
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold.
Remember why you came and while you're alive
experience the warmth before you grow old.

So do you think I should adhere to that pressing new frontier?
And leave in my wake a trail of fear?
Or should I hold my head up high
and throw a wrench in spokes by
leaving the air behind me clear?

So don't let the world bring you down.
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold.
Remember why you came and while you're alive
experience the warmth before you go.


Before you grow old.
Where did it go? (x4)

Day 20

Over the past week I have been e-mailing the editor of a new magazine that I am hoping to write for in the near future. She has now sent me a few examples of work done by some of the people working with her, it looks promising. She is looking for someone to write about the experience of living abroad, well I am quite open to do that sort of thing, I used to write about it to my friend Cat in Portugal, however, this is different, somewhat more professional, so I won't mention my expectations of finding lines of people with blue eyes for me to drool over, but rather, I'll talk about the experience of actually coming down and living in a place I had only seen for real once for a few days. Whilst I am thinking about the content, it seems she already has a title in mind, so she asked me if I had a girlfriend (oh the irony, and how refreshing that she is assuming I am heterosexual, how continental), she went on to explain that her other blogger is a single girl in Argentina and the name of her blog/column is SWF (single white female), which tentatively puts me as SPM (Single Portuguese Male). I have started doodling, heavily. I am just beyond nervous at this point, I am not sure how comfortable I am with announcing something like that as if it was a trophy or an invitation of some sort. In addition to that, she tells me that her blogger is prone to discussing certain encounters with males in Argentina, so she was hoping I could do the same and comment on the girls. HA! This part made me chuckle. Not only am I too much of a prude to have a title such as SPM (which sort of sounds like the Jewish way of saying SPAM) I would also not be able to comment on the girls, it might come as a disappointment, but I would also be commenting on encounters with men! Ah this made me chuckle inside. Plus, at the moment, for reasons that have been repeatedly stated, I am in no condition to meet men or women for that matter.

 Bah, on that matter, I am feeling more and more ridiculous by the minute. This is the sort of childish relationship that people look back on when they are older and say "well that was stupid, and hurtful, we were so young..." I mean, what sort of love do you have for someone when you can't even attempt to say hello to them? I am living in the eternal hope he will somehow wake up from his slumber and see that I am really sorry for what I did and that I want to be with him nonetheless. Or, alternatively, when will he deem it time to let me know that his feelings for me are no more? As I said, until the New Year. New Year, new life, new beginning. I feel the holidays approaching quite rapidly and I think the time of healing is approaching, I just wish it got a move on because I need to be fresh and ready for my exams and the irregularity of my presence in class is already being noticed. The sort of life I am leading at the moment involves trying to see through the enormous pile of washing I have in my room from the past 3 or 4 weeks and smelling each item I want to wear in order to evaluate the social damage the smell might inflict. So far it hasn't been too bad, but I really need to sort that out. I am down to eating no more than 2 meals a day and to my stomach complaining incessantly every day. I am resigned to look at my phone longingly, hoping that something like "I hate you" might pop up, even that, would be quite refreshing to see. I log into messenger everyday, in the hope that it might trigger another comment, a hello, anything at all. Ah it is indeed frustrating, especially not knowing how he is feeling, I know that all of this is speculation, which is why I repeat these things every day, because I don't know what is happening with him and if he is really suffering inside, or has simply forgotten everything and is living his life happily. Everytime I don't see him online I think about his regular outings to the cinema, that used to cheer him up. Then, every time I go to bed, just like I am about to do now, I have flashbacks, and I imagine his sleeping face, the cats snuggling up to him, the sound of the hard drive going crazy in the corner. Hm, I regret saying commenting on his feelings for me, what do I know. I know the pain he is going through, but we all have different ways to show and to deal with them, and he knows how to hurt me a lot more than I did with my ex. I remember I talked to him every day after dumping him, until, a week or so later, I found out he was already seeing other people. That was the time that the rest of my feelings for him vanished and an enormous sense of injustice took over me, I wanted revenge so badly, so badly, I wanted every bone in his body to crack under a slow moving road-roller. I wanted his mother to read through all of the logs and all of the evidence I had gathered and then ask her to tell me, to my face, that he could do better than me. I wanted his father to know how much he had enjoyed being with his brother, intimately, and his other brother to know how much he despised him. I wouldn't say I am evil per se, but I used to hold a grudge, a very big one at that, and now, suddenly, it's all gone. The mistrust I had carried over from him is gone, the justification I felt in betraying R due to the suspicions and the mistrust I had gathered, it's all gone, but then again, so is he, and no amount of writing can actually calm that frustration and pain. At times, it feels like the whole World has a vendetta against me, that for him to punish me with his silence is not enough, that everything in my life has to go wrong  because of my mistakes. I know it isn't so, I make my own decisions, I affect my own life, and my state of mind is what is making me fail at everything at the moment, but this will change, eventually, I hope. I really have to stop going to bed at this time of night. I end up writing depressing things because I stay awake all through the period when I am just over-thinking everything. I am so going to regret half of the things written here when I read this later... 

Day 20

Hello, other me?
I'm watching Sxephil's channel on Youtube. I can safely say he is God. Ok maybe not safely, and maybe not God God, some minor deity like Allah or Budha perhaps. The fact of the matter is, the guy is really funny and it's making me think that this business of writing or doing stuff online should not be a selfish matter like this blog is, he's got the right idea, entertaining people, being funny, ah, he is really cool.

And yet here I am, updating this sad excuse for a diary every day whilst neglecting my happy channel - the lack of happiness lately probably has something to do with that :/
Oh, I created a new Facebook group today as well, it's the Portuguese version of "Hilarity of changing the words wand for willy in the Harry Potter books". I even modified an image with Gimp! (That's how committed I am!). Ah bummer, I woke up at 4 (in the friggin' afternoon) so now it is almost 3 and I am not sleepy at all. I'm gonna play Oblivion or something though and then go to bed.

Day 19

Has it really been 19 days? Well, 24 to be precise. You can usually tell that time has gone by because there is some sort of change. In that respect, the time on the moon must go by really slowly. For me, it's been like living on the moon, everything is in slow motion. I can count the days, and I know it has been a long time, but I don't have that perception. It seems like yesterday I was arranging to see him on the Weekend, now, I am trying to occupy my head with other things, I will go play on the arcades with Ma since I won the last two times (who can blame him, I was addicted to Mario Kart, I would say I'm not too shabby at it). Most of the time, I am failing miserably, yesterday was such a day, and tonight is such a night. I have tried my hardest to divert from thinking about that person. I have had moments tonight where I was so frustrated I just wanted to call the person and ask them straight out if they are thinking about us two.
Deep inside, I think the answer is no. I doubt he has even so much as sat down and read this blog, hell, who cares! This is public is for anyone who wants to read or not read I guess. I want to change the topic, block out these thoughts and think about myself only!I read on a flyer the other day about a book being released entitled "Letters to my 16 year old self". It sounds like something really interesting to do, I am thinking of doing one myself, and probably post it on here. Maybe if Cat joins me we can then compare them, that would be fun. Although it hasn't been that long since I was 16, I can already think of a few things that I would say to myself. The first one being "don't date that douchebag", every time I think about it, the surer I am that I wasted 2 years of my life in a relationship which was just a farce from the beginning, out of charity, for a mouse (that's not a man) who couldn't face up to his own mistakes and be true, despite the numerous chances I gave him. Ridiculous really.


Argh this is so weird and melodramatic I am weirding myself out. Jesus Christ! I wonder if the Vagina Monologues are like this. I guess these would be the penis monologues though.


Ah, better go to bed now, fuck the rest.

Day 18

Had a bad day. A really bad day. It started last night, or this week even, I have been convinced that that book I have been reading, well, I thought the presentation was due in today. So I was stressing last night until quite late at night reading and making notes, and even this morning, so I got on the tube and by some miracle the alarm sounded, so I felt I had a legitimate reason right there, so I took my time and was half an hour late, I mean, big deal when all you need to do is get there on time to present your book, right? Wrong. I was late, not for my presentation but rather to some of the other people in my class, I made my excuse, not that it convinced or justified anything to anyone, but it got it off my chest. So I sat RIGHT IN FRONT of the teacher, which is actually not that much of a big deal, but still, when you're late, it's probably not the best space. So the I sat there listening to the other people making their presentation and then I asked the teacher "Can I please still present on the second hour of the lesson?" his response: "I thought you were supposed to present next week...?" me: "Oh right!...hmm", to which he said "However, one of the girls that was due to present this week is not here, so if you want to present yours now that's f..." me: "No no no no, I'm ok, if you think about it, I'll have more time to go over my stuff, *nervous laugh* yeah yeah, don't worry, woah *nervous smile* and here I was all worried in the tube and this morning" him: *you-are-a-slob smile* me: *please-kill-me-now smile*.

*sigh*

So then I headed over to the Department Manager to ask about my Erasmus application. She says that the Foreign Students department is what takes care of that sort of thing so she has emailed them (CCed to be more precise). So I had an hour to kill. I went to the bank.

I got a letter yesterday saying that my bank was going to charge me 8£ for a payment which was returned due to the necessary funds not being in my account. Trouble is, it's not a payment, it's a standing order that I set up every month to go into my own savings account, which is ALSO with them. So I went in and basically said, look guys, I didn't know I didn't have enough funds, this is my own account, it seems silly that you're charging me for something like this when there is no loss for you, there is no admin charges or other banks implicated, it's simply a matter of not having the funds at the time in that account! Plus, this is the first time this has ever happened, can you please refund me those charges?

After he noted down my details, he disappeared into someone's office, I presume that was his manager, he came back, shook his head again and said "well, it is really impossible for us to refund you the money..." and it sounded like he was going to say "but... I can do this or that". No Sir, nothing. He just stood there and told me that, "explaining", quite tautologically, that I was charged because there weren't enough funds, when I asked him what costs or admin fees the cost was supposed to cover he says "because there weren't enough funds", obviously. So the charge is for when you don't have enough funds, and because you didn't have enough funds, you were charged. Well done, Aristotle. Douchebag.

So that made the rest of my day shit. I came home, found two packages, opened the first one to find WHITE earphones, when I specifically ordered black - *sends angry email at the most useless shop I have had the misery to deal with: Zunethings.co.uk*. I also went to Holland and Barretts (I think that's the name) and bought a big pack of vitamin supplements and a book from the Book Warehouse for 2£ entitled "The Evil Empire - 101 ways that England ruined the World". It has been my therapy so far.

*breathes in, and out*

I am going to read this in a couple of months time and think "Gosh, was I really that petty". I guess at the moment any little thing is turned into a huge big deal, at least I am aware how insignificant these things are in the great big picture: a) I've wasted far more than 8£ on useless crap in the past. b) It's an honest mistake to swap the colour when you're not a big name trader like Amazon or something, I should cut them some slack I suppose. c) I should have known when my own presentation was :/

Day 18

Oops, cried again :/ It was "Far away"'s fault though! I blame its press-where-it-hurts lyrics :( I'm almost halfway through Antes que anochezca and so far I can say I don't like Castro either.

Ok, now it is actually day 18, when I posted before it was near midnight so it's like day 18 anyway.

Day 18?

I think it's day 18, sorry, I'm in the middle of reading my book so I don't have time to check. Well, I do have time, but it's meaningless!

I just wanted to have a little rant and ask WHY OH WHY do all the blogs that are supposed to be related to mine (using the "Next Blog" feature) feature babies. I am serious people, 80% of the ones I have come across so far are from mothers blogging away about their "purple monkey"'s 3rd birthday or how much they love being retired, or something like that! Seriously! I am talking about a breakup, not about having babies!

It has just occurred to me that maybe the more times I use the word baby, the more likely my blog is to now be associated with those baby bloggers, so actually my rant will worsen my problem :/ Argh!! NO MORE BABY BLOGS, seriously!

Btw, I thought it was just this blog, but actually, my other blog, about Japan and Anime and that sort of things, is ALSO followed by babies, with a good measure of food blogs in the middle - which are not so bad btw, I have started following a few, but Jesus Christ, no more baby blogs before I grow a uterus and join the crowd.

Thank you

Day 17

Tonight I cried again. I think it will be the last time I'll cry over missing him, at least in this manner. Listen to The Cure - Cut Here. I don't know if it will have the same effect it has on me. It makes me cry and has that strong an effect on me because of what it represents: it's a band that R likes a lot and their presence in my Music Library is mostly due to him. I've got their Greatest Hits album, nothing, compared to his collection of albums and knowledge of the band, it really is amazing to talk to him about those things, he knows what he is saying. Truth is, it's not just The Cure, it's R.E.M., Dashboard Confessional, Jack's Mannequin, Bright Eyes, etc. To me, it's like I'm back at his place, like nothing is wrong, then the lyrics transport me somewhere else, and in the case of Cut Here, to the present, down to reality.

I want to talk to you, so let's make a pact (you're in front of me), I have to be decisive, I will set a time for me to wait for you to break the silence like you want. I want to give you however long you want but it should boil down to this, Love, is there any left? Is there enough for us to rebuild our life again? From my part, I will give you all I have, and more, but the ball has fallen squarely in your court now so I can't do much more at this point. I recognise my mistakes, but I also know that it is sad not to live with someone who you think, deep inside, is right for you, or for whom you still have *that* feeling. I don't want to spend my life searching if the answer is in front of me. I miss you so so so so so so so SO much. I wish you would know that. Trust is hard to be regained, but it is certainly not impossible.

So I will talk to you one day, if I don't hear from you until then, and I will have this conversation in person, I hope you can make time to hear me out for a bit. If you get the chance, listen to Cut Here again, I'm sure you know it by heart already, like you always do, I find it makes sense in our situation.

This post should have been posted last night at around midnight, I fell asleep reading my book though :( And now I'm too late to get the Tori Amos wristbands. *sigh* To be frank though, I don't have enough time to spare to go to the gig anyway, although I would have liked to go :(

Day 16 - part 2

I found something on Amazon for him! hahaha I am quite proud of this since I've always been rubbish at getting presents. Oh man I want it as well. :( There's no point in getting it for me though because I can't use it, he could though! Ah this has made my day.

What he wants the most though, and so do I, is for our situation to be different. Bah. From that perspective, thinking about presents seems so annoyingly stupid :@ As if everything was fine. I can lie to myself about that but I know it's not alright. No, wait, there is no us anymore. :'(((

But wait, I have be patient too. He said that when he wants to, he'll talk to me, so all I can do is hold tight and focus on sorting out my academic life (God knows it needs sorting). I hope by the time he wants to talk to me we can have some sort of regular contact or piece things together : / Should I even have such hopes? Maybe not. It's hard to hold onto something when there is no contact from him, and especially so when my actions were the catalyst, but hey, I gotta stop thinking about this and get something to eat - I bought weatabix! (only when I got home did I remember where I had them for the first time *sigh* = ( )

I'll start posting more pics.

Day 16

Hm, woke up at 10 today, which is not half bad for someone who went to bed at almost 2 in the morning I'd say. Looked at my phone (half scared). Then turned on my computer, went on Gmail and got this: 

And that made me smile, a bit. Also saw this:

Big cuteness factor there! The first image can be found here and the video, here. 

And today I'm not feeling all that good, my brain keeps spinning, thinking about something to do for him, but fearing the consequences if he just wants me to lay still in the corner. Argh, pathetic. I watched La Vie en Rose yesterday, it's ok. If you like French films, Edith Piaff, and musicals, I probably wouldn't recommend it though, I found the storyline a bit confusing, all over the place, and if someone was to ask me "So what happened in her life", all I can tell you is that she knew someone called Titine when she was a child who took care of her, that her father was a douche and that a fighter called Marcel died on the night she asked him to fly over from Morocco, I don't think that is enough of a summary to be frank so I haven't learnt much in terms of her life. The soundtrack was very good, however, and I will be ripping a song or two from my CD.

Thanks for reading I guess.

Day 15 - part 3 (this is good)

Guess who I just got off the phone to!? My mother. Indeed.

We talked. I said I was surprised to see she was calling me but asked her how she was anyway, she did the same, and, well, I told her "I'm not much better than I was last week" and she asks "why?". Well, long story short, I reminded her of our conversation, she didn't say anything. I went off on a tangent as to this sort of behaviour was the reason, exactly, why I didn't talk to her about my own problems. Again, she said nothing. I said that it wasn't fair that she was throwing expectations at me, wanting me to change into something which is not within my power! At this point she reminded me of porn I watched when I was little which "corrupted" my mind. Then she started blaming herself, again. Well, I explained to her, as best as I could, that it was no one's fault, I just happen to be this way and like guys and not girls. These are not very convincing arguments, even I know that.

Once more, she told me she knew I was dating a boy all along, and I knew that myself, so why did she not talk to me about it? She said she was waiting for me to come out with it. What?? So I reminded her of what she said when we were outside a restaurant in Portugal, of what she threatened to do. Conveniently, she doesn't remember any of this! She didn't argue about that and just said that during that time she was very depressed and the only reason why she's not completely freaking out is because she knows someone who is making her happy, I understand that, which is why I wasn't expecting her to say she wouldn't talk to me again until I changed on our last conversation. All in all, I was tired of the conversation because she kept repeating that I needed to change my life, and she was getting annoyed/angry. I had to resist my gut feeling of getting into defensive mode when her tone of voice changed, I mean, she is my mother, I've been afraid of her when I was little, but hey, I am 20 for God's sake.

Finally, after 2 hours of conversation, I told her I didn't expect her to fully understand it, she didn't even have to like it, but what I wanted from her was acceptance at the very least. I asked her if I could introduce the person I am with to her like a normal person instead of hiding everytime she calls, it's mentally draining, all the lying all the time, I've said it before, it has banalised the action to me, it's like breathing almost. Still, I'm changing myself this time, enough is enough, and I've hurt enough people with this. So in the end she said, half scared, A**** (that's me), I can accept you, but I'll never be proud of it, when people ask me "so, has he got a girlfriend, I won't be able to say, yes he is doing wonderfully with a boy" (roughly translated, as usual), this might not seem much to people who have unconditional acceptance from their parents, but at the very least I don't consider me miserable on that department any more, she cried in the end, and, well, so did I. For something that took 20 years to come out of my lips properly, it's sort of not quite finished, and to be honest, at the moment, I don't have the strength to fight this much more. If I still had him by my side I might be able to but now fighting for this hypothetical situation when I might present my boyfriend to her without one is just, I don't know, useless.

She told me to keep eating and to not go into the "Ramadan" again :/ Wise words mother. On that note, I still need to go to Sainsbury's, probably buy chocolate. Just one lament btw: things in my life are getting sorted FAAAAAAR too late for my taste.

Thinking about it now, I forgot to ask her about Christmas, but I guess I won't be spending it at home crying anymore. :)

Day 15 - part 2

Well hey! Today today, hmm, I read a few more chapters :/ I know why I can't seem to finish this, I keep looking up words! How the hell was I supposed to know truenos means thunder and not thrones?? Crazy Spanish lingo. (It's not actually lingo really, I just hadn't heard it before)
I played a little bit of Oblivion as well :) I'm getting a bit frustrated with it because I, sometimes, accidentally (I swear!) kill a mage so I keep getting expelled from the Mages' Guild, and I really need to be a part of it to enchant weapons...
Ah, I also finished my roast chicken so I'll be going to Sainsbury's in a minute.
Finally, here is a letter to my landlord:

Dear Mr. Landlord

I know you have lots of money, I contribute to that wealth myself. So, the minimum I would expect from you is to FIX THE FECKING ROOF!
I am saying this due to the fact that my amazing Home Simpson slippers (recently washed) have been wetted by the mini ocean at the bottom of the stairs. This is the second time this happens.
I hope this is the last time I have to mention this, otherwise I will have to talk to you in person, in the mean time, move your old, saggy Greek arse and fix the house instead of installing a silly new cooker (when the previous one was working just fine!).

Yours faithfully,

A most annoyed tenant

_______________________

It smells of cake.

I'm in a silly mood today. *sigh*

*Smile!*

Day 15

I should be reading my book. "Maybe Someday" came on. It's currently high in my list of songs for the moment. I liked it before because it went well with "There is no if", but now I find the lyrics very nice as well, Mr. Smith is really an awesome musician. I'm gonna get back to my reading but under normal circumstances I would have someone to report this relatively minuscule detail of my life to, now, instead, I guess I'll release it into the blogosphere. Also, listen to Groovy from Cardcaptor Sakura's ending theme and look up the English lyrics, it makes a lot of sense.

And maybe someday....

I'll go to bed at 4. I've been looking up all the words I'm not sure of in the dictionary so I've made relatively little process. I've moved away from the author having sex with mares and moving onto boys his own age, I consider that progress.

Day 14 - part 2

Today I didn't do much. I read a few chapters of the book so far, but I'll need to finish it before going to bed. I tried to install Ubuntu and failed, installed Rockbox on my D2 and almost bricked it. :(

He left after talking to me for a bit. :'(

I don't want to lament forever, I should do something, but what? I liked the idea in my dream, but I wonder if it's too soon, too late or just wholly inappropriate. Does he think about us? Does he wish we were together? Does he miss me at all? Does he know I miss him? If I start thinking about what I've done, there's a voice inside my head that says "move along, you're not right for him" I've been such an idiot, I just wish I could make things right, I hate sorry, but it's the only word I know for this, I deeply regret doing it? That makes it sound like being arrested for something. I am angry at myself, that's what it is most of the time for justifying my actions then and for lying about them, I am sorry.Then again, were there other things that were wrong when were together? Some, I guess, all relationships have them, but they are not like this wall I've put up between us, I can jump the others, not this one. I can't destroy it by myself either, so I wonder, does he think about us?

The brief exchange of words I had with him today made me think: what if my mother doesn't want me to go home for Christmas? What would it be like to spend Christmas alone at home? I would probably spend it crying in my room, that's sad... But then again, what's so great about it? My family is practically non existent - there is my mother in one place, my dad in another, and I'm now being shunned by one of them. There is no "coming together" at Christmas, and there hasn't been for a while. It has usually just been me and my mum making "Bacalhau com natas" and talking about life, then going to bed and waking up the next day. I'm past the age of receiving presents too. Christmas lost all its magic to me on the year my dad said he was spending it with his mother in Lisbon - my mother and her had had a fight because of my dad's infidelities and in the end he said he was going to spend Christmas, he made up some excuse at the time. Then, it was either that year or the following that he spent the New Year at his mistress' in Brazil. Then another year I came down with some sort of illness which left me fainting the day before we were due to take up a place at this restaurant for New Year. My dad seemed hell-bent on proving that I had done it on purpose since he was so angry at everyone.  I swapped  grilled tiger prawns and a huge assortment of grilled fish and meat for chicken soup at home on the verge of losing consciousness in front of my mother and dad. In the end, my dad insisted in buying prawns and my mum grilling them whilst he sat at the table as usual, waiting to be served.
Whatever happens, either with my mother or not, I'll have to just accept it I guess.

So there, I've sort of made peace with myself either way. I haven't been able to make peace with spending another month without him though - it is inevitable, he probably wants to shoot me on sight, I want to hold his hand on sight, and never let go :(

I feel like buying a guitar and making a song. Reminds me of "El Scorcho". : '(((  Estou mesmo triste.

Day 14 - part 1.2

Just a small update:


I Officially can't use Ubuntu - flashing screen - Nvidia driver issue, gotta do sudo something in the command line, look for kernel line, hit b, then e, then delete the entire thing because I have no idea what these people are on about in the forums.


*frustrated*

*Missing him* Perhaps he wouldn't necessarily be able tell me exactly which command line to use,but it would at least make the whole experience of trying to install Ubuntu meaningless*

*sigh*


(I messed up the formatting of the font so had to find something to work around that - *bold* *italic* *colour background*) It could be worse.

Day 14

I woke up late today, again, and I had a similar dream to the one on day 11 I think, it was about him. Thinking about it now... I think at one point I was just thinking with my eyes closed. So I dreamed I had gone to his house, cut up pieces of brightly coloured cardboard saying "sorry" and hung them from his oak tree. Then, on the hedge alongside the road he travels through, there were banners saying "I miss you". And then at the end of the day we would go to this place that he says he goes to to take pictures and... then I woke up. My dreams tend to end quite ironically these days.

Signed onto messenger and he talked to me. I'm happier now.

Hm, I hadn't thought about my mother in a while now. I've been talking to my dad recently and he tells me she is fine, he asks me who took her to Boston the other day, I say I don't know, but also ommit I have an idea who might have... Maybe it's time I called her instead of waiting for her to call me. We haven't talked since she said I needed to change and there is the practical concern of whether or not she still wants me over for Christmas. I think this and that are two different things though, she wouldn't just tell me to go spend Christmas under a bridge, I guess I should check, just in case. :S

He is away. I should go as well and eat something. I don't know what's worse: not talking to him at all, or talking to him and then not hearing from him when he goes away or something. Probably the latter. Ok, I'm gonna reheat last night's chicken. I managed to get 4 portions out of last night's roast chicken so I won't have to cook any time soon, which is good, at least this way I'll eat something. BRB

Back. The chicken is still half cold, but it's cool! I watched Yumeiro Patissiére and Amano Ichigo made custard pudding today. They practically told you lots of tips to make it: the caramel must be amber colour, although some people prefer it a bit bitter (like me) and u must stir in the sugar and egg yolks in big circular motions so the milk doesn't froth and make little cavities in the pudding when it goes in the oven to be baked (like my mother's and other restaurants in Portugal). I might have a go at making one when I've finished my essay. *sigh* I miss him. And I wish my mother wouldn't be like this, at least my dad is blissfully ignorant so I talk to him and he doesn't have to feel weird or anything.

Oh he said something!


The following message could not be delivered to all recipients:
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*sigh* This is why I installed Ubuntu (as well) - Yesterday I installed Ubuntu btw, I didn't/don't like the Gnu loader so I said I didn't want it installed, thinking, stupidly, that Windows Vista's boot loader would cover Ubuntu - it didn't. So now, I have 161 gb of space which I can't access until I install a boot loader.

Now I'm talking to Cat (best friend), my msn crashed (again) so I don't know if he got my messages. *sigh*

I think this will do for now, I've gotta read this book otherwise I'll be in deep trouble! :S Oh shit, he's not getting any of my messages :'((((((((((

On a last note: some girl outside just shouted "SALLYY, SALLY WANTS YOUR BIG FAT TIT". I live in a classy area.

Day 13 - part 2

He's replied, saying to leave him alone until he wants to talk to me. Great (!) I can't read his mind.
Ok, fair enough, his silence usually means he doesn't want to talk to me, I got that, but what I didn't know was whether or not he wanted me to keep trying to talk to him. Last time I tried to give him time to think he thought I was ignoring him and not caring much for the situation, so this time I did the opposite. I'm an idiot.

The good news about this is that at least I know where I stand, so I won't lay awake until 6 in the morning wondering why he hasn't replied. I wonder why he couldn't have this sort of behaviour with the people that were saying how much they liked him whilst he was with me? Why? The higher the climb, the higher the fall, maybe he liked me more than those people, hence why it now turned into strong negative feelings. What does all this philosophy mean, now, anyway?

He thinks I'm acting as if I've done nothing wrong. That's simply not true, it's not a question of acting anything, I was wrong, and I am sorry, or rather, sorry doesn't even begin to cut it, but I realise my mistakes and I would just like to someday talk to him again because I still harbour feelings for him, and I feel like a complete cunt for not being able to deal with my/our issues appropriately. Go figure why I start crying in bed, with him next to me, when I find a picture of a penis on his laptop? Any one with a drop of common sense would have woken him up, asked about it and gone about the rest of the night, happy in the knowledge all is fine. Instead, I kept it to myself, until I couldn't hold it in anymore, by which time I had already formed my suspicions that there was something wrong there and that he was like my second boyfriend. This is idiotic, I know! There are so many things that I should have done otherwise, but instead screwed up, but hey, I can say I learned my lesson, and I know not to hurt anyone like that again, that not all men are cunts, even though in the process I turned myself into one. I am so sorry, to all the people that have gone through what him, and me, have gone through, what I've done is an abomination, you can't explain why someone who has gone through the same would do something like that, still, I know I've hurt him, but I also know I am not the same person, I'm scared, now more than ever, of not seeing or talking to him again, I have feelings for him which I am trying to keep in check until someday when he might have healed enough to accept them, and I know this may take years, but hey, I really do like this guy.

At the same time, it's not fair for him to say I'm behaving like I did nothing wrong when he hasn't even talked to me lately. If he had, he would know that there isn't a day when I don't think about how much he is suffering and how guilty I feel. Although useless now, this whole situation makes me break down in the middle of cafes, in the tube, on the street. How much lamenting have my friends endured with me saying "oh I hate myself, I don't know what to do, he isn't calling me, he doesn't want to see my face again", over, and over, and over again? I can understand it's hard, and that he hates me, he probably hates me even more now for still trying to contact him instead of laying down dead. :'(
What I haven't done is acted like I did nothing wrong!

I need to eat now, as usual, I haven't had anything all day. My stomach doesn't even complain anymore. I don't feel hungry either, but I know that my head will start to hurt in a minute. I've sent him a text, I might have sounded harsh in the end, I don't know, he just doesn't know, just like I genuinely don't know what's going on with him, I imagine he is hurting, but can't make many more assumptions apart from that. Better go now before everything is closed and I can't eat anything.

Day 13 - part 1

It's 1AM. I should be in bed. It's starting to rain and my clothes have been outside for 3 days now, There's not much point in me getting them now, I'll do it tomorrow. I ended up not having anything to eat yesterday until around 11 when I made a stir fry with some sausages I had taken out of the freezer the day before. As usual, no response from R, but at least, he said "Let me call you" so, that means he'll call, right? Well, that's what I think.

Gotta concentrate on other things at the moment. Maan, it's really raining outside... I think some of the stuff going around in my head at the moment are probably not to be broadcast so I think I should keep the inner workings of my mind to myself, whatever happens, well, happens.

My earphones will be arriving some time next week, I'm very excited about that :) My new YUI album will arrive in 2 weeks time I think and then in December/January, I'll have a new Ikimono Gakari album to cheer me up. I also need to keep up my Japanese, start attending Ancient Greek again and, well, do well in my exams, that will make me very happy.

Listen to this:

You're the storm - The Cardigans
Hedonism - Skunk Anansie
Thin line between love and hate - The Pretenders
Lovefool - The Cardigans

Have a nice day

Day 12 - part 2

Just woke up! No, really, I really just opened my eyes and sat at my desk.
I had the most vivid dream I've had in a while! As usual, I can't remember all of it, but it involved him, and me, talking on some bed :) There were kisses, and... wait a moment, there's a kid outside singing "and I will always love youuuuu". It's a convent school. Still, she sings quite well, I'm jealous of her performance.
As I was saying, so we kissed, and we talked, and then I woke up half happy. Then I looked at my phone, and there was nothing.

I'm hungry, I'm gonna get some food and play Oblivion for, say, an hour? Then read my book for the rest of the day, the presentation has to be finished this Thursday and I haven't even heard from the girls in my group, it's crap. My plans for the weekend include arcades when I finish the book, and then church on Sunday. Yes, I'm going to a church, again, after God knows how many years of trying to stay away from them. One of the people in my course invited me, it's a Latin American Catholic church so I'll be listening to Spanish and praying for my sins/etc. Not that prayer does anything other than transfer the guilt somewhere else, until you realise it never left you because no one did listen to you mumbling to yourself, it's sad, but it works for some! I'm also gonna do a sneaky thing and participate in the Holy Communion without confessing. :O It'll just be this one time, I sort of miss it to be honest, it tasted so bland and looked so white, it was strange but all part of the ritual.

Then for the rest of the week, it'll be studying and reading stuff and doing my Philosophy essays I guess. When I can, I'll pre-order the new Ikimono Gakari album, which btw, comes out on the 23rd of December (a special edition with a DVD - Honestly, I would prefer the stickers they released with their last album :( ).
Ah, I also need to wash my bed linen, there has been a considerable lack of hygiene over the past few weeks :(

I'm sure I'll write some more as and if there are any new developments. I guess for now I'll let him call me as he said. Should I text him still? I don't know. *sigh*

Day 12 - Part 1

*sigh* *bah* *meh*

No phone call. No text message. Nothing.
Well I was really just creating scenarios in my head, the latest one is uglier than the other two, but I'm prepared for that as well. I think I might go to bed now :/ I've been trying to fix Oblivion but I'm scared it might delete my save files :( That would break my heart, my poor Jackothy being killed off just like that? Never! He is a powerful Nightbladel or whatever class I ended up creating.

*sigh* How I like Oblivion :) I wish it would never end. Yoshi! I must uninstall the game and reinstall it, it's the only way!

Day 11 part 2

I'm home now. I have been for the past... 3/4 hours? I was right, the test was today. My performance wasn't brilliant, I winged a lot of it, but it's better than nothing at this point. If it was for me I'd just stay in my little bubble and wouldn't see anyone, but I know that that won't help.

He has stopped talking to me again.
I don't know what to do anymore. A friend asked me what had happened, and I told her, in the tube. Then, after I left to change tube, I was crying all the way home whilst the guy in front of me kept passing wind and pretending it wasn't him. Life sucks.

OMFG!

I got a text
from him.

It says "Let me call you". Should I reply? Maybe not, I don't like to get texts saying "k", so I'm not gonna do it. Oh no. He's going to call me and tell me "I hate you, I don't want to see your face again, don't contact me again, etc" or, "I just don't love you anymore, I don't care what you did, it's all meaningless to me". I have been bothering him, I bothered him too much. I knew I should have done like M told me and just not contacted him. Oh no, what to do.

Just waiting. Yes, that's it. I'll wait. What if he is waiting for a reply? Ohhhhh crap. Get a hold of yourself. Whatever he wants to say, he is calling you. Whatever he is going to say, he'll say it. Ok, my heart is racing. My fingers are trembling. My whole body is shaking, and it's a mixture of nervousness, extreme happiness and extreme sadness (I'm a very extreme person at  the moment). Ahhhhhhhhhhhh ooooooooooooh I'm going craaaaaaaaaazy, but not crazy "I wanna kill myself" (yet) just crazy "omg he said something". Maybe the World is going to end after all, I've had my dose of happiness for this lifetime and now someone is gonna take me away. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh crap.

Jesus Christ, calm down. Breathe.

I'm breathing.

Still breathing.

Neutral.

No expectations.

Whatever is coming, I'll just need to deal with it when it comes.

Day 11

It sounds like it happens on purpose, but it doesn't, I swear. I sent him a text telling him how I feel, and I didn't get a reply. He was away on messenger, he just ignored what I wrote.

I just got back from watching a film at a friend's (2:40AM). I spent a week with him in Paris, it was at a time when I was ok with being on my own. We went to Macdonald's, my first and only meal of the day. Then, he invited me to watch a film, so I went. We watched Les chansons d'Amour. The film was confusing plot-wise, and I almost cried at one point, but I managed not to. I'm not a fan to just let my emotions show in public like it happened 2 days ago. When I realised, it was 2 in the morning so I said I had to go and he walked me to my place since he needed to smoke as well (everyone around me seems to be smoking now). It was nice of him to invite me so I had a chance to get out of the house. The film probably didn't help my current state of mind. I kept playing "There is no if" in my head, which, of course, only made me want to cry even more.

Today, I woke up at 10. I fell asleep with my earphones on and with "Breathless" by Corinne Bailey Rae  on continuous play. It was... sympathetic I think, of her (Corinne) to sing that song at that time. It didn't make me feel happier, or induce any sort of resolution in me, it was just comforting.

In contrast, looking at my phone this morning and not seeing a reply wasn't. I read an article yesterday about these "fool-proof" ways to win back someone you've betrayed and it said something along the lines of "don't set yourself up for the big rejection, give him/her time". Interestingly, there was another article, dedicated solely to the "how much time should you give him/her" and it talks, in very vague terms, about finding a middle ground: not too much time so he/she thinks you're not interested nor too little so he/she gets tired of you. I have not been that good at following that sort of advice. I think that if the other people still feels something, you have to seize it whilst it's still there. It sounds selfish. But I think that even more selfish is following some rules like this was some sort of game, as if relationships are that straightforward - if the person was with you at some point, it must mean that there is something about you yourself that he/she liked, so doing as some guy in Florida is telling you seems pretty pointless, unless they love that other person too. :/

I'm half joking there, I think.

Bah, I don't know anymore. Yesterday it seemed like he could talk to me again, now, I'm quickly spiralling down into despair again. I can't let this affect me this much though. If there is still anything left of his feelings for me, he'll text, or e-mail, or call. He knows how to contact me if he really wants to. He knows how I feel, now, I've spent too much time being depressed and doing nothing over something that I can't change, and my academic life is suffering as a result. I've got to finish this degree. As M says, I need to distract myself from my own feelings. After I've done what I have to do, I can concentrate on this again, right now, I fear I might fail the few modules I'm taking this year.

And here is what is interesting about the human brain and how it handles pain: I might never talk to my mother again, I might fail this semester and not get a decent degree, I might be thinning out of existence because I have one meal a day, and yet, all I think about is him, his pain, how much I deserve to be miserable. And then I have friends saying it's not like that, and they're right. No one deserves to be miserable. He doesn't deserve it, and neither do I. It's hard to take all the pain I've caused him, harder to forgive and impossible to forget. I am not kidding anyone by saying I deserve what I'm feeling now, but there comes a point where you have to balance your self-pity with your normal life, and I think this starts now for me. I realise I can't make things better in a second. It's not like "Friday I'm in love". So I must keep on doing the things I have to do and at the same time feel what I'm feeling. I think that that is harder than what I have been doing so far. He has done it, and I can imagine how incredibly hard it must have been for him to go to work the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. I've just been a coward and took refuge at home and started what my mother called a "hunger strike" - it's not like that really, I'm just not hungry : / So hey, I'll do that and try to make him see that I am sorry for what happened, but I want to look ahead and see him there if at all possible, someday, somehow.

So now I need to read the autobiography of a Cuban writer who caught AIDS and later commited suicide. It should put my own life into perspective I guess. I am not sure if I have an oral test today or not so I will need to go to Uni and at least attend that lesson, after I've written something for it. I'll email/text him first though :/

Day 10 - UPDATE

I need to stop calling these updates. They started because I was never one to write consistently over a period of time so it seemed like a post a day would be enough.

I'm listening to Far away by Nickelback. I only have 3 songs by them in my library but this is easily my favourite song at the moment. The second time I listened to it it managed to steal a smile from me when Chad says "cus you know, you KNOW, YOU KNOWWWWW" It hits the

right spots at the moment.

After a bit of research, Chad says this is THE ONLY love song Nickelback has written. He says that some are "about" love, but this is the only one that is just about "being in love". I had hoped that Carole King's Far away would have the same effect, but it only makes me sadder. She places no hope in reconciling, hence why people say they get divorced to that song. Nickelback's Far away is much better for me. I imagine Eminem's Kim as this big black monster, and Far away as a whitish blue beam of energy. Like this:

Kim
Far Away

It sounds silly. It probably is. At least I've exchanged emails with him today. :)

Day 10

I fell asleep at 8PM, woke up at 6 AM, went back to sleep, woke up at 12. My room smells of last night's pasta, my only source of nourishment lately it seems, and there is a chocolate wrapper on the floor. I am reading up on how to regain trust from a lost relationship. I missed my appointment with the psychologist on the 9th of November, I wish I had taken it now. I see his face everywhere I go. Every time my phone rings, I hope it's him. I've got, exactly, 17 texts in my drafts folder, unsent thoughts, and they will remain that way.

If he hates me, if he doesn't want to see me again, he would say. I am thinking, he didn't love me. That's what happened. He might have thought he did, but he realised now he doesn't and just doesn't want to say it. Where does all that anger come from? I want to say, you were supposed to love me, and when you do, things work out.

I have been thinking about the day when I called him saying that I wanted him to come here. When I planned to breakup. I said at the time that when I realised he wanted to breakup as well I was scared. I don't know why I was scared. I didn't want to breakup, of course not. I wanted to shake him up, to make him see how we were going downhill. Instead of trying to fix things, he nonchalantly stood in my room and said "Well, there's nothing I can do". Is that the attitude of someone who wants to be with you forever? When was the last time he said I love you? I can't remember.

Then why am I not moving on? Why am I not healing? Because I still harbour some hope. It is pathetic that I think this way but I don't want anyone else. No one else can mean as much to me as he does, and so I don't know what to do. I was used to having this perfect person next to me, who would go to the places I liked, and with who I enjoyed going to places, and now... what? I enjoyed going to the arcades, but it goes beyond that. Who would go to the arcades and be fascinated by references to Japanese, go with me on a kid's hopping game? Who can I go and see that film I like with? Who can I go to Japanese restaurants with? Who is going to eat the bio-schnitzels in my freezer??? Or the spinach tortellini, or the amount of vegetables in my fridge?

Who is going to say I took their cover last night? Or not mind me growing mould in a container just because it looks like a plant?

I hate not being able to change the past. I hate that I could justify myself by telling myself that he was doing the same. I hate that I justify his silence now with "he never loved me". The truth hurts more than that lie. It is infinitely worse than what I use to justify. He hates me because I broke his heart. I hate myself for that too. If he did love me, this is hurting him every time he thinks about it. I would give anything to cure him of that, just don't ask me to give up. How can he be ok with not talking to me though? Is he ok with not talking to me?

He said to me once that he didn't want to tell me how horrible he felt because he didn't want to give me that. Why would he think I wanted to see him suffer? Why? I keep saying, on here, to M and to P, I feel terrible, I wish I could just not have done it, but I can't. I want to fix it however, because I'm empty inside without him. When I was with him, there was him and our problems. Not having him, takes the problems away as well, but I still want him. I can take whatever he throws at me if I can hold his hand again.

Although it hurts, I've started listening to The Cure, Kimya, R.E.M. It seems like he is here, talking to me. It reminds me of Malcolm in the Middle, it makes me think I just want to go to his house and see him.

Day 9 - UPDATE

Never thought I would be affected this much by something which I had prepared myself before for, for the wrong reasons, and in the wrong way. That song, Kim, the words keep echoing in my head, the hatred resonates with my whole body and it makes me stand up straight. I hate that song. I hate it.

The hatred in it is far too great. They were married, had children, she left him for someone else, THAT WAS NOT WHAT HAPPENED HERE. She is saying I love you because she is scared, not because she wants him back. She is crying because she is scared, I am not. Why is this so hard. If there is love, why can't we try again? Try to trust again? Why? "I thought you needed me more", I really did. Now I feel like a fool, tied to something which we've created and which I can't let go of. It has been like this before, many other times.

It has been so long, but really so long, since I've cried this much, this persistently, it is happy and sad at the same time that this has such a strong effect on me. WHY THE FUCK COULDN'T I SEE IT BEFORE.

The days feel like centuries, I look back at pictures of me throughout the year and I look at my eyes, calm, not worried about a thing. Then slowly, sadder and sadder, until you almost can't see anything.

I wonder if anyone reads this.

Day 9

You slipped away. Through my fingers, like water escaping from a broken cup, like blood from an open wound, I couldn't stop it. I could only look, cry and wait.

I didn't sleep last night. I don't know how I could. I am assaulted by memories of him every minute of the day. I'm sorry, I didn't mean assaulted, that is negative. The memories are good, but the reality of losing him is what hurts.

Robert Smith wrote some popular songs for The Cure, most of them being in The Cure's "Greatest Hits", however, there is an album which I had never heard about, called "Bloodflowers", again, he gave it to me. I have been listening to "There is no if". I haven't understood what he meant with the lyrics, but this is what I've got so far:

There is no if, only and - there is no "if I had done this" "if things were different". Life is a series of additions, there is no having a second go, just a adding to what is done. He used to tell me that songs are the artist's way of sharing their experience. There is also another side to it which is to do with the way we adapt songs to suit us, our own experiences. My experience of Love was that I was a fool for not recognising it, and now I can't substitute my short sightedness, there is no time machine, there is no if.

I got an email, oh, two now.

I'm listening to Eminem's song Kim - first time. It's scary. I don't know his story with Kim, but, whatever it was, she must have hurt him. From what I can gather, he cheated on her before, and now she cheated on him and he is angry. Whenever he says "Get the fuck away from me" "I hate you" "How the fuck could you do this to me", it is like him saying it himself. I don't like the song - second time. I do condemn her for cheating on him, but he had done the same, I don't know why he lashed out like that. The message is clear either way: he doesn't want her in his life. He doesn't want me in his life. He hates me. There is no love - third time. Our case is different. Oh, he is home and there is someone else in his place, she left him and replaced him. So he wants me to understand that he hates me, he doesn't want to see me any more. I hate this song - fourth time. I haven't replaced him. I have been an asshole, and I just wanted him to realise how much I want us to start afresh. That thought in my head, against the background of the music is barely audible.

Someday by Nickelback just came on. It was the first song I listened to by them and I cried when I watched the videoclip the first time. At this time, it makes more sense than ever.

I just listened to Eminem again and I just want to scream WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND YOU ARE ALL I WANT. I MESSED THINGS UP, BUT I AM WANTING TO GIVE MY EVERYTHING TO GET YOU BACK. I want you, I love you, and I don't want anyone else.

How selfish. I disgust myself.