Day 9 - UPDATE

Never thought I would be affected this much by something which I had prepared myself before for, for the wrong reasons, and in the wrong way. That song, Kim, the words keep echoing in my head, the hatred resonates with my whole body and it makes me stand up straight. I hate that song. I hate it.

The hatred in it is far too great. They were married, had children, she left him for someone else, THAT WAS NOT WHAT HAPPENED HERE. She is saying I love you because she is scared, not because she wants him back. She is crying because she is scared, I am not. Why is this so hard. If there is love, why can't we try again? Try to trust again? Why? "I thought you needed me more", I really did. Now I feel like a fool, tied to something which we've created and which I can't let go of. It has been like this before, many other times.

It has been so long, but really so long, since I've cried this much, this persistently, it is happy and sad at the same time that this has such a strong effect on me. WHY THE FUCK COULDN'T I SEE IT BEFORE.

The days feel like centuries, I look back at pictures of me throughout the year and I look at my eyes, calm, not worried about a thing. Then slowly, sadder and sadder, until you almost can't see anything.

I wonder if anyone reads this.