Day 9

You slipped away. Through my fingers, like water escaping from a broken cup, like blood from an open wound, I couldn't stop it. I could only look, cry and wait.

I didn't sleep last night. I don't know how I could. I am assaulted by memories of him every minute of the day. I'm sorry, I didn't mean assaulted, that is negative. The memories are good, but the reality of losing him is what hurts.

Robert Smith wrote some popular songs for The Cure, most of them being in The Cure's "Greatest Hits", however, there is an album which I had never heard about, called "Bloodflowers", again, he gave it to me. I have been listening to "There is no if". I haven't understood what he meant with the lyrics, but this is what I've got so far:

There is no if, only and - there is no "if I had done this" "if things were different". Life is a series of additions, there is no having a second go, just a adding to what is done. He used to tell me that songs are the artist's way of sharing their experience. There is also another side to it which is to do with the way we adapt songs to suit us, our own experiences. My experience of Love was that I was a fool for not recognising it, and now I can't substitute my short sightedness, there is no time machine, there is no if.

I got an email, oh, two now.

I'm listening to Eminem's song Kim - first time. It's scary. I don't know his story with Kim, but, whatever it was, she must have hurt him. From what I can gather, he cheated on her before, and now she cheated on him and he is angry. Whenever he says "Get the fuck away from me" "I hate you" "How the fuck could you do this to me", it is like him saying it himself. I don't like the song - second time. I do condemn her for cheating on him, but he had done the same, I don't know why he lashed out like that. The message is clear either way: he doesn't want her in his life. He doesn't want me in his life. He hates me. There is no love - third time. Our case is different. Oh, he is home and there is someone else in his place, she left him and replaced him. So he wants me to understand that he hates me, he doesn't want to see me any more. I hate this song - fourth time. I haven't replaced him. I have been an asshole, and I just wanted him to realise how much I want us to start afresh. That thought in my head, against the background of the music is barely audible.

Someday by Nickelback just came on. It was the first song I listened to by them and I cried when I watched the videoclip the first time. At this time, it makes more sense than ever.

I just listened to Eminem again and I just want to scream WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND YOU ARE ALL I WANT. I MESSED THINGS UP, BUT I AM WANTING TO GIVE MY EVERYTHING TO GET YOU BACK. I want you, I love you, and I don't want anyone else.

How selfish. I disgust myself.