Day 11

It sounds like it happens on purpose, but it doesn't, I swear. I sent him a text telling him how I feel, and I didn't get a reply. He was away on messenger, he just ignored what I wrote.

I just got back from watching a film at a friend's (2:40AM). I spent a week with him in Paris, it was at a time when I was ok with being on my own. We went to Macdonald's, my first and only meal of the day. Then, he invited me to watch a film, so I went. We watched Les chansons d'Amour. The film was confusing plot-wise, and I almost cried at one point, but I managed not to. I'm not a fan to just let my emotions show in public like it happened 2 days ago. When I realised, it was 2 in the morning so I said I had to go and he walked me to my place since he needed to smoke as well (everyone around me seems to be smoking now). It was nice of him to invite me so I had a chance to get out of the house. The film probably didn't help my current state of mind. I kept playing "There is no if" in my head, which, of course, only made me want to cry even more.

Today, I woke up at 10. I fell asleep with my earphones on and with "Breathless" by Corinne Bailey Rae  on continuous play. It was... sympathetic I think, of her (Corinne) to sing that song at that time. It didn't make me feel happier, or induce any sort of resolution in me, it was just comforting.

In contrast, looking at my phone this morning and not seeing a reply wasn't. I read an article yesterday about these "fool-proof" ways to win back someone you've betrayed and it said something along the lines of "don't set yourself up for the big rejection, give him/her time". Interestingly, there was another article, dedicated solely to the "how much time should you give him/her" and it talks, in very vague terms, about finding a middle ground: not too much time so he/she thinks you're not interested nor too little so he/she gets tired of you. I have not been that good at following that sort of advice. I think that if the other people still feels something, you have to seize it whilst it's still there. It sounds selfish. But I think that even more selfish is following some rules like this was some sort of game, as if relationships are that straightforward - if the person was with you at some point, it must mean that there is something about you yourself that he/she liked, so doing as some guy in Florida is telling you seems pretty pointless, unless they love that other person too. :/

I'm half joking there, I think.

Bah, I don't know anymore. Yesterday it seemed like he could talk to me again, now, I'm quickly spiralling down into despair again. I can't let this affect me this much though. If there is still anything left of his feelings for me, he'll text, or e-mail, or call. He knows how to contact me if he really wants to. He knows how I feel, now, I've spent too much time being depressed and doing nothing over something that I can't change, and my academic life is suffering as a result. I've got to finish this degree. As M says, I need to distract myself from my own feelings. After I've done what I have to do, I can concentrate on this again, right now, I fear I might fail the few modules I'm taking this year.

And here is what is interesting about the human brain and how it handles pain: I might never talk to my mother again, I might fail this semester and not get a decent degree, I might be thinning out of existence because I have one meal a day, and yet, all I think about is him, his pain, how much I deserve to be miserable. And then I have friends saying it's not like that, and they're right. No one deserves to be miserable. He doesn't deserve it, and neither do I. It's hard to take all the pain I've caused him, harder to forgive and impossible to forget. I am not kidding anyone by saying I deserve what I'm feeling now, but there comes a point where you have to balance your self-pity with your normal life, and I think this starts now for me. I realise I can't make things better in a second. It's not like "Friday I'm in love". So I must keep on doing the things I have to do and at the same time feel what I'm feeling. I think that that is harder than what I have been doing so far. He has done it, and I can imagine how incredibly hard it must have been for him to go to work the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. I've just been a coward and took refuge at home and started what my mother called a "hunger strike" - it's not like that really, I'm just not hungry : / So hey, I'll do that and try to make him see that I am sorry for what happened, but I want to look ahead and see him there if at all possible, someday, somehow.

So now I need to read the autobiography of a Cuban writer who caught AIDS and later commited suicide. It should put my own life into perspective I guess. I am not sure if I have an oral test today or not so I will need to go to Uni and at least attend that lesson, after I've written something for it. I'll email/text him first though :/