Day 10

I fell asleep at 8PM, woke up at 6 AM, went back to sleep, woke up at 12. My room smells of last night's pasta, my only source of nourishment lately it seems, and there is a chocolate wrapper on the floor. I am reading up on how to regain trust from a lost relationship. I missed my appointment with the psychologist on the 9th of November, I wish I had taken it now. I see his face everywhere I go. Every time my phone rings, I hope it's him. I've got, exactly, 17 texts in my drafts folder, unsent thoughts, and they will remain that way.

If he hates me, if he doesn't want to see me again, he would say. I am thinking, he didn't love me. That's what happened. He might have thought he did, but he realised now he doesn't and just doesn't want to say it. Where does all that anger come from? I want to say, you were supposed to love me, and when you do, things work out.

I have been thinking about the day when I called him saying that I wanted him to come here. When I planned to breakup. I said at the time that when I realised he wanted to breakup as well I was scared. I don't know why I was scared. I didn't want to breakup, of course not. I wanted to shake him up, to make him see how we were going downhill. Instead of trying to fix things, he nonchalantly stood in my room and said "Well, there's nothing I can do". Is that the attitude of someone who wants to be with you forever? When was the last time he said I love you? I can't remember.

Then why am I not moving on? Why am I not healing? Because I still harbour some hope. It is pathetic that I think this way but I don't want anyone else. No one else can mean as much to me as he does, and so I don't know what to do. I was used to having this perfect person next to me, who would go to the places I liked, and with who I enjoyed going to places, and now... what? I enjoyed going to the arcades, but it goes beyond that. Who would go to the arcades and be fascinated by references to Japanese, go with me on a kid's hopping game? Who can I go and see that film I like with? Who can I go to Japanese restaurants with? Who is going to eat the bio-schnitzels in my freezer??? Or the spinach tortellini, or the amount of vegetables in my fridge?

Who is going to say I took their cover last night? Or not mind me growing mould in a container just because it looks like a plant?

I hate not being able to change the past. I hate that I could justify myself by telling myself that he was doing the same. I hate that I justify his silence now with "he never loved me". The truth hurts more than that lie. It is infinitely worse than what I use to justify. He hates me because I broke his heart. I hate myself for that too. If he did love me, this is hurting him every time he thinks about it. I would give anything to cure him of that, just don't ask me to give up. How can he be ok with not talking to me though? Is he ok with not talking to me?

He said to me once that he didn't want to tell me how horrible he felt because he didn't want to give me that. Why would he think I wanted to see him suffer? Why? I keep saying, on here, to M and to P, I feel terrible, I wish I could just not have done it, but I can't. I want to fix it however, because I'm empty inside without him. When I was with him, there was him and our problems. Not having him, takes the problems away as well, but I still want him. I can take whatever he throws at me if I can hold his hand again.

Although it hurts, I've started listening to The Cure, Kimya, R.E.M. It seems like he is here, talking to me. It reminds me of Malcolm in the Middle, it makes me think I just want to go to his house and see him.