Day 8

P left my house today at around 5:15 in the morning. The past day have been a mixture of emotions: sadness, anger, annoyance, further annoyance, mild contentment, resentment, sadness.

Sadness has now been a regular appearance in my brain. It almost has its own talk show and fashion line. Annoyance, however, is a newcomer. Until now, I have focused on how sad not talking to him has made me and how guilty I feel over what happened, however, lately, I am starting to feel a certain annoyance because of his silence. Now, I do understand people need their own space to sort things out, and I would like to think I respected that. I kept sending him text messages, yes, in the hope that he would be able to respond with a simple "yes" or "no" or " leave me alone". In fact, he has done neither.

This morning, P left and his departure made me sadder than usual. It was him that made me eat, go out, and not be miserable about life all the time. It really truly helped me when he's been here, but the goodbye was sad, even though I was mostly asleep. He has been a great support over the past few days. I have no idea how he was able to still laugh and smile when I was depressed or annoyed or angry with him most of the time, or rather, it wasn't all at him really, but rather at the things I was thinking about and then, yes, at his lack of empathy.

This is the reason why people accumulate relationship issues throughout their lifetime. He feels betrayed and thinks I am a cunt. All I have done is apologise to him and downplay his participation in my idiotic actions but why? To what purpose? I have done what he has asked and written him a list of what happened, I told him my feelings at the time. Then, we chatted on messenger to try and tie some loose ends, but we couldn't, that was the last I heard from him. And now, again, I don't want to open up to anyone ever again. I don't want to love, I don't want to be that close to anyone.

I have deleted him as a friend on Facebook and Last.fm. It is too painful to look and see he is online and not talking to me. It's too painful to even think he is forgetting me or moving on or, even more, that he has forgotten me, that his love was insincere. To be able to ignore someone like this, you must be hurt so badly that you can't trust that person, I know, but to completely ignore the person, without cutting all ties, is just like rubbing salt on the wounds - I see him online, he doesn't reply.

I have texted him, called him, called him, called him, nothing. I'm resenting having these feelings and how they're tying me to him.