Day 14 - part 2

Today I didn't do much. I read a few chapters of the book so far, but I'll need to finish it before going to bed. I tried to install Ubuntu and failed, installed Rockbox on my D2 and almost bricked it. :(

He left after talking to me for a bit. :'(

I don't want to lament forever, I should do something, but what? I liked the idea in my dream, but I wonder if it's too soon, too late or just wholly inappropriate. Does he think about us? Does he wish we were together? Does he miss me at all? Does he know I miss him? If I start thinking about what I've done, there's a voice inside my head that says "move along, you're not right for him" I've been such an idiot, I just wish I could make things right, I hate sorry, but it's the only word I know for this, I deeply regret doing it? That makes it sound like being arrested for something. I am angry at myself, that's what it is most of the time for justifying my actions then and for lying about them, I am sorry.Then again, were there other things that were wrong when were together? Some, I guess, all relationships have them, but they are not like this wall I've put up between us, I can jump the others, not this one. I can't destroy it by myself either, so I wonder, does he think about us?

The brief exchange of words I had with him today made me think: what if my mother doesn't want me to go home for Christmas? What would it be like to spend Christmas alone at home? I would probably spend it crying in my room, that's sad... But then again, what's so great about it? My family is practically non existent - there is my mother in one place, my dad in another, and I'm now being shunned by one of them. There is no "coming together" at Christmas, and there hasn't been for a while. It has usually just been me and my mum making "Bacalhau com natas" and talking about life, then going to bed and waking up the next day. I'm past the age of receiving presents too. Christmas lost all its magic to me on the year my dad said he was spending it with his mother in Lisbon - my mother and her had had a fight because of my dad's infidelities and in the end he said he was going to spend Christmas, he made up some excuse at the time. Then, it was either that year or the following that he spent the New Year at his mistress' in Brazil. Then another year I came down with some sort of illness which left me fainting the day before we were due to take up a place at this restaurant for New Year. My dad seemed hell-bent on proving that I had done it on purpose since he was so angry at everyone.  I swapped  grilled tiger prawns and a huge assortment of grilled fish and meat for chicken soup at home on the verge of losing consciousness in front of my mother and dad. In the end, my dad insisted in buying prawns and my mum grilling them whilst he sat at the table as usual, waiting to be served.
Whatever happens, either with my mother or not, I'll have to just accept it I guess.

So there, I've sort of made peace with myself either way. I haven't been able to make peace with spending another month without him though - it is inevitable, he probably wants to shoot me on sight, I want to hold his hand on sight, and never let go :(

I feel like buying a guitar and making a song. Reminds me of "El Scorcho". : '(((  Estou mesmo triste.