Day 4

Hello there. Today has been another bad day for me. My friend P came to visit me (I picked him up from the airport yesterday) and he stayed over last night. On the journey to the airport yesterday I went by EasyBus and the fact I hadn't had food in over a day coupled with the bus' bad driver meant I was fainting. If it wasn't for two nice men in the bus I would have, they gave me some water but there was no food. My head was spinning and my hands were turning paler by the second. I was talking to M on the way and telling him I wasn't hearing from R and I wondered what he was doing when I was texting him those things, I don't think he cares any more. I eventually arrived at Stansted and bought a sandwich, I chewed down two bites and left the rest for P to eat it because if I had any more I was feeling like I could vomit at any time.

What R asked me to do was to list all the things that happened so that he may get it past us. So yesterday I finished something that looked like that and e-mailed him that. I talked to my mother whilst writing it up and I told her again, this time more clearly and calling everything by its name (gay, homosexual, etc). She said it was all my choice and that I had to change and didn't talk to me again. I sent the e-mail to R. Today he sounded disappointed with the fact it was 2 pages long, so I said that I would edit it and add stuff. So I did that from 11 until 14 and I finished it and sent him the file.

So today, after I finished Uni, I went to meet P and Ma at the Tate but soon after, Ma had to leave, he did and it was just me and P for the evening. He was very tired since he hadn't slept much the previous night so we just headed home. He took some photos of me. I look awful, like a corpse, the bags under my eyes have turned darker, my cheeks seem to be caving in more and more by the minute and I look pale - I'm not hungry, if I think about food, I can't stomach anything, I feel like vomiting half the time. I talked to R a few days ago and he said that I was getting the good side of things (fucking other people). The truth is, it's not. Maybe if I was proud or had in any way enjoyed doing those things I would be happy, but it is just not so. I feel more and more depressed every day. Today I went into the toilet and cried my eyes out because I was listening to Shakira's The one. It's a beautiful song about all the things that being with someone special lets you do and the reason that their being next to you brings to everything. I used to love that song, now it just makes me cry. I haven't so much as masturbated these past few weeks, I can't eat, I can sleep now though, and I don't feel motivated to do any work. I'm a mess. I am also getting jealous of a friend R is seeing all the time, but it doesn't matter, he's not mine any more.

That's all for today, I've got to cook for my guest and at least wave goodbye smiling when he goes to meet Ma.