Day 13 - part 2

He's replied, saying to leave him alone until he wants to talk to me. Great (!) I can't read his mind.
Ok, fair enough, his silence usually means he doesn't want to talk to me, I got that, but what I didn't know was whether or not he wanted me to keep trying to talk to him. Last time I tried to give him time to think he thought I was ignoring him and not caring much for the situation, so this time I did the opposite. I'm an idiot.

The good news about this is that at least I know where I stand, so I won't lay awake until 6 in the morning wondering why he hasn't replied. I wonder why he couldn't have this sort of behaviour with the people that were saying how much they liked him whilst he was with me? Why? The higher the climb, the higher the fall, maybe he liked me more than those people, hence why it now turned into strong negative feelings. What does all this philosophy mean, now, anyway?

He thinks I'm acting as if I've done nothing wrong. That's simply not true, it's not a question of acting anything, I was wrong, and I am sorry, or rather, sorry doesn't even begin to cut it, but I realise my mistakes and I would just like to someday talk to him again because I still harbour feelings for him, and I feel like a complete cunt for not being able to deal with my/our issues appropriately. Go figure why I start crying in bed, with him next to me, when I find a picture of a penis on his laptop? Any one with a drop of common sense would have woken him up, asked about it and gone about the rest of the night, happy in the knowledge all is fine. Instead, I kept it to myself, until I couldn't hold it in anymore, by which time I had already formed my suspicions that there was something wrong there and that he was like my second boyfriend. This is idiotic, I know! There are so many things that I should have done otherwise, but instead screwed up, but hey, I can say I learned my lesson, and I know not to hurt anyone like that again, that not all men are cunts, even though in the process I turned myself into one. I am so sorry, to all the people that have gone through what him, and me, have gone through, what I've done is an abomination, you can't explain why someone who has gone through the same would do something like that, still, I know I've hurt him, but I also know I am not the same person, I'm scared, now more than ever, of not seeing or talking to him again, I have feelings for him which I am trying to keep in check until someday when he might have healed enough to accept them, and I know this may take years, but hey, I really do like this guy.

At the same time, it's not fair for him to say I'm behaving like I did nothing wrong when he hasn't even talked to me lately. If he had, he would know that there isn't a day when I don't think about how much he is suffering and how guilty I feel. Although useless now, this whole situation makes me break down in the middle of cafes, in the tube, on the street. How much lamenting have my friends endured with me saying "oh I hate myself, I don't know what to do, he isn't calling me, he doesn't want to see my face again", over, and over, and over again? I can understand it's hard, and that he hates me, he probably hates me even more now for still trying to contact him instead of laying down dead. :'(
What I haven't done is acted like I did nothing wrong!

I need to eat now, as usual, I haven't had anything all day. My stomach doesn't even complain anymore. I don't feel hungry either, but I know that my head will start to hurt in a minute. I've sent him a text, I might have sounded harsh in the end, I don't know, he just doesn't know, just like I genuinely don't know what's going on with him, I imagine he is hurting, but can't make many more assumptions apart from that. Better go now before everything is closed and I can't eat anything.