A couple of minutes ago I was talking to him (R) and he dropped a bomb: one of the very close encounters I had with someone. And then stopped talking to me. I am confused, numb, and the depression is settling in again, I am guessing he is feeling the same, but worse.
About a week ago, when a similar thing happened, I sought help from other people to calm my guilt, I also confessed to one of them to having suicidal thoughts. Since then I've abandoned those thoughts because it was the stupidest way to end things and a way that would cause him and others around me even more pain.
Now, I don't think it would. I'm having them again and I don't want to turn to the same people who are surely sick and tired of listening to me crying and repeating the same things over and over again.
When the day started, nothing indicated that this would happen. I woke up happy, really, actually happy. I was talking to him and him with me until late the night before and it was wonderful, just writing about it makes me warm inside! I jumped twice in the middle of the room and said "Uni time today!". At night, we talked about ways to put this behind us and maybe one day in the future things might be better.
The past 3 or 4 hours, I was walking through London and we were having a little discussion about my lack of money and I giggled to myself because of how we sounded like a married couple - me being the overspending wife and him being the executive with the money - actually, I just thought of that, at the time I was just happy that we were talking so civilised.
I managed to go to Tesco today and get provisions for the next 4 days. A friend of mine is coming over and staying with me until Monday morning. In the mean time I will have to entertain him with the help of his friend Mark. The timing could not be worst if I think about it carefully but it would only add to my feeling sad if I was to turn around and disappoint him, he doesn't have anything to do with my personal life or my feelings and so shouldn't be exposed to me crying and sighing all the time.
I received today a very special thing I ordered, a Cowon D2+ by the way! This is very good news and it will help to keep my mind from wandering into the land of horribleness all the time.
Yesterday we exchanged a lot of messages, and one long e-mail. In it, I told him about this blog and he responded that now all my posts would hide my true thoughts or feelings, I said there was nothing to tone down, and there isn't. What is different, and I realise he was right, is that because I know he might read this, I'm not writing it for the masses like I did in my previous post, but rather, I'm writing it for him, like posters in a public place. In a way, it is a public apology to him.
But enough about the good of the day which, although in terms of time occupied a very big slot, in terms of impact, it crumbles in comparison, it was like building a sandcastle on the beach and having a big fat kid trample on it in front of your eyes and then run away.
It all started to get a bit strange when he started to call me names (idiot, stupid, etc. that sort of things) and then I thought something was up, but he does have his reasons to be mad at me. So when I got home things escalated to the point where I made a joke and he came out with what was bothering him.
I think that, if given enough time, I would have come out with it myself. Not everything has been explained and for there to be acceptance of what happened he needs to know what went on both inside and outside my head. The first was the most difficult to arrive at although it wasn't anything completely mind boggling and the latter is simply the facts. So the shock of having it revealed like that was enough to make me go mental again (as you might imagine from the beginning) but I am calmer now.
I forget, sometimes, that I have already had time to digest what I've done and to come to terms with it. Although the guilt is always there, I don't cry over it any more, although at times like these, the longer I leave things, the worse it is, so it's like a bomb ready to go off. What has been keeping me from cracking the past few days have been two main things, or people, one is a friend of mine, let's call him M and the other is him, R. M is currently waiting for me to stop writing this so I can go for my "counselling" appointment with him. I know what he is going to say though: "It's all a question of time". And it is. People get over the death of someone close to them over the course of time, terrible things that have happened in the World are healed through time, so this should not be any different. R has helped me by not completely ignoring me and conversations like last night make me think that actually it might happen one day - immediately after thinking that, I have to bring myself down to earth, to the reality that is not having him, not even so much as seeing him and that hurts. I have been thinking whether or not this would be easier if I had no hope of holding him again. Maybe. I think that if I grasp his hand again, I'm not letting go. Stupid humanity that can only learn how important something is when they've lost it. Stupid and pathetic.
I've been thinking, I just want to die.
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