Day 3

Hoje vou postar em Portugues. Ou se calhar uma mistura de Portugues e Ingles, mainly porque estava a ouvir Carole King's song Tapestry onde ela diz "My life has been a tapestry of royal blue and gold", e entao imaginem um tapete de arraiolos, daqueles que por certo estarao em vossas casas, agora imaginemos que cada linha, cada pedaco de pano dobrado tenha sido um episódio da vossa vida - o efeito é o de várias linhas multicolores a formarem um todo que parece estranho á primeira vista, e mais, se o tapete nao estivesse completo, seria impossível decifrar que cor é que a próxima será. Esta aliatoriedade é realmente espantosa, talvez nao tanto no tapete porque era feito com restos de pano, mas mais na vida. Ora vamos lá ver, eu nasci na Glória, em Aveiro, plena cidade. Morei a maior parte da minha vida em Oliveirinha, uma aldeia nos arredores de Aveiro, estudei aí até que no 7o ano fui estudar para a cidade outra vez onde fiquei até aos 16 anos quando a minha vida deu uma reviravolta tamanha: vim para Inglaterra, para Boston, onde continuei os meus estudos e agora, 4 anos depois, estou a estudar em Londres.

As experiencias que vivi, as coisas que já vi, é impossível que eu algum dia pudesse sequer ter imaginado algo como isto. Já pensaram se quando eram mais pequenos, ao olhar para o tecto do vosso quarto, pensaram "eu daqui a X anos vou estar aqui, ou vou conseguir isto ou aquilo". Bem, eu pensava em ir para a Universidade de Aveiro e estudar Geologia. A partir daí, quería percorrer o mundo a descubrir rochas interessantes para estudar e depois estudar dinossauros. A Matemática lá se meteu pelo meio e por isso nunca pude viabilizar esse sonho que tinha, mas é interessante pensar que um dia, quando sabia até menos sobre o Mundo do que sei hoje, as coisas pareciam-me tao claras, digo, os meus desejos, aquilo que queria fazer quando "fosse grande". E agora parece-me que o que escrevi ontem foi um pouco demais. Talvez, mas é o que acontece quando nos deixamos dominar por emocoes e nao a racionalidade do nosso próprio "know better".

So today. Today is a very strange day for me. My friend is coming today at 23:30. I will get him from the airport and then take him to my house. I am uncomfortable with this. I don't want to alienate more people and push away others who have tried to help me through this difficult period but between him and I there is some history, we were boyfriend and boyfriend at one point. I was 15 and he was 19. At the time he was reserved, avert to much contact and felt strongly negative about his sexuality. I liked that in a way. In the end I couldn't do much and we had to part ways. But that is not why I am not comfortable. It is just for the fact that he has become the opposite, he is celebrating his sexuality, which I think is healthy, but he is also very happy with his single life and that makes him not able to connect with me and understand how depressing my break up has been. I've explained now and he has arranged to be with his friend as well and that leaves me a bit calmer.

The break up tore me apart because it was my first relationship and he left me stranded in the library with the words "we both know this hasn't been going well for some time now" burnt onto the screen and my eyes. I went back to class that day with the eyes red from crying and when I got home watched Moulin Rouge several times, probably 10. That ritual continued and I always used to shout out the part when Christian is looking at the Duke kissing Satine and sings/cries "why does my heart cry/feelings I can't hide/you're free to leave me/but just don't deceive me/and please believe me when I say I love you". At the time I thought he was the love of my life, etc., etc. Clearly, as I write this, I know this isn't the case. Although I had grown to repress those memories, I hadn't thought about them until now to be fair, I have come to realise that a lot of my relationship problems come from unresolved fears when we were finished - to be dumped, that is the word that describes what happened, so, to be dumped by someone at that age when I had poured my everything into it was soul/heart/mind crushing and I suspect I haven't been able to open up that much ever since.

My relationship after that, with D (for dickless cunt) was a farce. I had exacted my revenge on my first boyfriend by briefly agreeing to go out with him again and then telling him I had met someone else. He repressed that memory of me as well, and I agree now that it was childish and unnecessary, it would have been best to simply let things rest as they were. And so with D it was the most horrible thing I can think of. He cheated and lied and kept lying and we got to a point where he was with me because no one else would have him (those are his words, not mine) and I was with him because I wanted to make things work. Afterwards, I tried to get back at him, but I never could, or can now. I wish I could just forgive and let go.

My third relationship was, different. It lasted for 1 year effectively, but was officially finished on the 11th of November, and in terms of the emotional charge, it was greater than the previous two. Unlike my second relationship, it didn't start with sex, and unlike my 1st relationship, he didn't have any problems with his sexuality. It was also the first relationship where I didn't see things moving into a relationship as clearly as I did with the previous 2 relationships. It felt like the intimacy of sex was simply an extension of our friendship, a natural progression. There was attraction, but it was much more than that. During the first few weeks I felt, not warmth, but a hotness that rose from my stomach (where so many of my emotions start... strange) and it rose to my cheeks, my head, and then suddenly exploded to the rest of my body. My face felt on fire, like someone had stuck my head against a warm massage bed. I knew then that the only way to calm that fire was to touch him, and so I did, and it started that way. I usually don't like to think I make the first move, and in this case I would like to think that it was mutual.

The night we first kissed I had the most amazing feeling I have had with anyone, ever. Whereas with the other two relationships there was something missing, the first, reciprocity, the second, trust and reciprocity, with time, I was shown that the feeling was corresponded.

After a few weeks, the issues that had been in my mind from the beginning (is he the one, is he going to be another D/P?) slowly waned and it was good. But then they returned again and I wasn't able to deal with it. Although I am able to usually think about things maturely and with a certain degree of logical cogency, this wasn't something I was prepared to face again, and so my insecurities from past relationships came back: does he really want to be with me? Who is that person he is texting? Why are they writing X or Y? In the face of those issues, I closed myself off from him, expecting it to turn out like D. It was confusing, it wasn't like that, but it was on the line, it wasn't something I was used to or wanted: other people sending certain messages, showing a level of intimacy which, although not necessarily physical, had more history and more "roots" than my relationship with him.

It's a joke that only after something like our breaking up happens I am able to reflect about this critically. Well, I did think about what I was doing, but I justified it by saying that I didn't know what he was doing and all the people that like him were enough and he didn't need me to add to things. How many times have I talked to friends and we've reached the conclusion that lack of communication is often the root of all evil. And this is what happened, coupled with issues which everyone needs to solve BEFORE they go into a relationship. I know it is hard to recognise them until they surface again, in a relationship. But do it now. Think about your past relationships and how it affected you as a person: have you lost your ability to trust people? Do you feel unable to love again? Unable to engage in the level of intimacy you had with that partner?

I am going to stop writing this, it's long enough as it is to be fair and I need to get a start on something he asked me to do. Summing up, today has been a day of retrospection. I don't like to think about it, unless it is something good. To think about something I did wrong again and again only makes me feel like yesterday, I hope I don't do anything stupid.