Day 15 - part 3 (this is good)

Guess who I just got off the phone to!? My mother. Indeed.

We talked. I said I was surprised to see she was calling me but asked her how she was anyway, she did the same, and, well, I told her "I'm not much better than I was last week" and she asks "why?". Well, long story short, I reminded her of our conversation, she didn't say anything. I went off on a tangent as to this sort of behaviour was the reason, exactly, why I didn't talk to her about my own problems. Again, she said nothing. I said that it wasn't fair that she was throwing expectations at me, wanting me to change into something which is not within my power! At this point she reminded me of porn I watched when I was little which "corrupted" my mind. Then she started blaming herself, again. Well, I explained to her, as best as I could, that it was no one's fault, I just happen to be this way and like guys and not girls. These are not very convincing arguments, even I know that.

Once more, she told me she knew I was dating a boy all along, and I knew that myself, so why did she not talk to me about it? She said she was waiting for me to come out with it. What?? So I reminded her of what she said when we were outside a restaurant in Portugal, of what she threatened to do. Conveniently, she doesn't remember any of this! She didn't argue about that and just said that during that time she was very depressed and the only reason why she's not completely freaking out is because she knows someone who is making her happy, I understand that, which is why I wasn't expecting her to say she wouldn't talk to me again until I changed on our last conversation. All in all, I was tired of the conversation because she kept repeating that I needed to change my life, and she was getting annoyed/angry. I had to resist my gut feeling of getting into defensive mode when her tone of voice changed, I mean, she is my mother, I've been afraid of her when I was little, but hey, I am 20 for God's sake.

Finally, after 2 hours of conversation, I told her I didn't expect her to fully understand it, she didn't even have to like it, but what I wanted from her was acceptance at the very least. I asked her if I could introduce the person I am with to her like a normal person instead of hiding everytime she calls, it's mentally draining, all the lying all the time, I've said it before, it has banalised the action to me, it's like breathing almost. Still, I'm changing myself this time, enough is enough, and I've hurt enough people with this. So in the end she said, half scared, A**** (that's me), I can accept you, but I'll never be proud of it, when people ask me "so, has he got a girlfriend, I won't be able to say, yes he is doing wonderfully with a boy" (roughly translated, as usual), this might not seem much to people who have unconditional acceptance from their parents, but at the very least I don't consider me miserable on that department any more, she cried in the end, and, well, so did I. For something that took 20 years to come out of my lips properly, it's sort of not quite finished, and to be honest, at the moment, I don't have the strength to fight this much more. If I still had him by my side I might be able to but now fighting for this hypothetical situation when I might present my boyfriend to her without one is just, I don't know, useless.

She told me to keep eating and to not go into the "Ramadan" again :/ Wise words mother. On that note, I still need to go to Sainsbury's, probably buy chocolate. Just one lament btw: things in my life are getting sorted FAAAAAAR too late for my taste.

Thinking about it now, I forgot to ask her about Christmas, but I guess I won't be spending it at home crying anymore. :)