I'm not annoyed, secretly, I understand and accept, but I still don't like it. Since he is going to forget me, or move on, or whatever he is doing, I'll try the same.
I still can't listen to Mouldy Peaches, Kimya Dawson, watch Juno, go to Starbucks, walk through Chinatown at night. I still think you should be my part-time lover and full-time friend. I still don't see what anyone can see in anyone else, I'm still yours, but I also recognise, now more than ever, that you don't want to have anything to do with me. Although it might hurt, I will learn to smile again eventually, just like he is doing. I know I have to create new memories, banalise going to the places made special just because of his presence there, enfim, try to make my existence a little bit more bearable.
I still can't listen to Mouldy Peaches, Kimya Dawson, watch Juno, go to Starbucks, walk through Chinatown at night. I still think you should be my part-time lover and full-time friend. I still don't see what anyone can see in anyone else, I'm still yours, but I also recognise, now more than ever, that you don't want to have anything to do with me. Although it might hurt, I will learn to smile again eventually, just like he is doing. I know I have to create new memories, banalise going to the places made special just because of his presence there, enfim, try to make my existence a little bit more bearable.
Today I had a test. I can't say it went great, not even good, but during the test I learned that I can't let this affect me this much, I have been working for where I am now for the past 4 years, and I can't let it all just slip away because of a stupid moment. I can, and have learned with my mistakes, and I will never make anyone suffer as much as I made him suffer, I have now been on both ends of the same situation and none of them are easy, I can say that and know the pain, I am quite conscious of it right now.
This is by no means the end of the blog. I come to this sort of conclusion every once in a while, but something in his silence reminds me of how hard it is not seeing a few words written by his hands, for me. And at those moments I end up crying, depressed and then angry at myself and him, but all of it is meaningless, really. This life is 2 seconds. If you hang around and concentrate on the pain too much it goes by and you don't even realise you enjoyed it. I, for my part, have made someone's existence miserable for a while, but I know that he will eventually forget this pain and move on, it's just how humans deal with things.
Having said that, secretly, I haven't given up on you yet, maybe foolishly, because I still feel that L feeling.
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