Day 7

Sunday, the 22nd.

Sunday was another depressing day. As usual, the night before, I had started to feel a bit less depressed, however, in the morning, there is something which makes me want to scream and cry at/with my self-pitying state. After that, I feel mild annoyance at his silence, then I feel anger - someone who told me how strong his feelings were and how he wanted things to go back to the way they were is now simply ignoring me. It doesn't make sense. If he doesn't want to talk to me, just let me know, I'll try not to bother him, now what he is doing now is just painful. It's the sort of actions you would expect from a teenager who doesn't know what he is saying when he says "I love you" and thinks it is just something you eat on Sundays after a night out. But then again, what did I expect??? What the hell did I expect? He has reasons.

I went to Starbucks yesterday. The first time since we've split. Apart from the smell which I had associated with him standing in front/behind me in a queue, the whole environment screamed his name and the chairs, the mugs, the cards, everything was like him standing there. I had a cold drink instead of my usual hot chocolate. I sat down with P and the conversation geared towards his ex and my R (can't even refer to him as an e.x. without crying, that is sad). I was remembering the things that I didn't like and the times when I tried to tell him and how he did not listen. I also commented how ironic it was that the day he decided to change was the day he broke up with me. Alanis Morisette - Ironic. Then suddenly, Cat Power - Sea of Love. That is a song from Juno's soundtrack, one of his favourite films. He introduced me to the film, and to the soundtrack. Although that track is not as depressing or reminiscent of him as K*mya D*wson or, worse still, track 17 of the Juno Soundtrack. I can't even write the name down. Suffice to say I couldn't contain the tears any more so I had to run to the toilet and cry. At that moment I realised how much pain me thinking about our relationship was bringing us (I suppose, I don't know though because he is not talking to me). I came out of the toilet, eyes blood red and was fine for the rest of the evening. By fine I mean I wasn't crying on the outside, I had poured out those feelings, now I'm filling another bottle with tears, until I can't keep them in anymore and I'll have to let it out again.

I broke his heart, yes, he is breaking mine, still, continuously.