Day 15 - part 3 (this is good)

Guess who I just got off the phone to!? My mother. Indeed.

We talked. I said I was surprised to see she was calling me but asked her how she was anyway, she did the same, and, well, I told her "I'm not much better than I was last week" and she asks "why?". Well, long story short, I reminded her of our conversation, she didn't say anything. I went off on a tangent as to this sort of behaviour was the reason, exactly, why I didn't talk to her about my own problems. Again, she said nothing. I said that it wasn't fair that she was throwing expectations at me, wanting me to change into something which is not within my power! At this point she reminded me of porn I watched when I was little which "corrupted" my mind. Then she started blaming herself, again. Well, I explained to her, as best as I could, that it was no one's fault, I just happen to be this way and like guys and not girls. These are not very convincing arguments, even I know that.

Once more, she told me she knew I was dating a boy all along, and I knew that myself, so why did she not talk to me about it? She said she was waiting for me to come out with it. What?? So I reminded her of what she said when we were outside a restaurant in Portugal, of what she threatened to do. Conveniently, she doesn't remember any of this! She didn't argue about that and just said that during that time she was very depressed and the only reason why she's not completely freaking out is because she knows someone who is making her happy, I understand that, which is why I wasn't expecting her to say she wouldn't talk to me again until I changed on our last conversation. All in all, I was tired of the conversation because she kept repeating that I needed to change my life, and she was getting annoyed/angry. I had to resist my gut feeling of getting into defensive mode when her tone of voice changed, I mean, she is my mother, I've been afraid of her when I was little, but hey, I am 20 for God's sake.

Finally, after 2 hours of conversation, I told her I didn't expect her to fully understand it, she didn't even have to like it, but what I wanted from her was acceptance at the very least. I asked her if I could introduce the person I am with to her like a normal person instead of hiding everytime she calls, it's mentally draining, all the lying all the time, I've said it before, it has banalised the action to me, it's like breathing almost. Still, I'm changing myself this time, enough is enough, and I've hurt enough people with this. So in the end she said, half scared, A**** (that's me), I can accept you, but I'll never be proud of it, when people ask me "so, has he got a girlfriend, I won't be able to say, yes he is doing wonderfully with a boy" (roughly translated, as usual), this might not seem much to people who have unconditional acceptance from their parents, but at the very least I don't consider me miserable on that department any more, she cried in the end, and, well, so did I. For something that took 20 years to come out of my lips properly, it's sort of not quite finished, and to be honest, at the moment, I don't have the strength to fight this much more. If I still had him by my side I might be able to but now fighting for this hypothetical situation when I might present my boyfriend to her without one is just, I don't know, useless.

She told me to keep eating and to not go into the "Ramadan" again :/ Wise words mother. On that note, I still need to go to Sainsbury's, probably buy chocolate. Just one lament btw: things in my life are getting sorted FAAAAAAR too late for my taste.

Thinking about it now, I forgot to ask her about Christmas, but I guess I won't be spending it at home crying anymore. :)

Day 15 - part 2

Well hey! Today today, hmm, I read a few more chapters :/ I know why I can't seem to finish this, I keep looking up words! How the hell was I supposed to know truenos means thunder and not thrones?? Crazy Spanish lingo. (It's not actually lingo really, I just hadn't heard it before)
I played a little bit of Oblivion as well :) I'm getting a bit frustrated with it because I, sometimes, accidentally (I swear!) kill a mage so I keep getting expelled from the Mages' Guild, and I really need to be a part of it to enchant weapons...
Ah, I also finished my roast chicken so I'll be going to Sainsbury's in a minute.
Finally, here is a letter to my landlord:

Dear Mr. Landlord

I know you have lots of money, I contribute to that wealth myself. So, the minimum I would expect from you is to FIX THE FECKING ROOF!
I am saying this due to the fact that my amazing Home Simpson slippers (recently washed) have been wetted by the mini ocean at the bottom of the stairs. This is the second time this happens.
I hope this is the last time I have to mention this, otherwise I will have to talk to you in person, in the mean time, move your old, saggy Greek arse and fix the house instead of installing a silly new cooker (when the previous one was working just fine!).

Yours faithfully,

A most annoyed tenant

_______________________

It smells of cake.

I'm in a silly mood today. *sigh*

*Smile!*

Day 15

I should be reading my book. "Maybe Someday" came on. It's currently high in my list of songs for the moment. I liked it before because it went well with "There is no if", but now I find the lyrics very nice as well, Mr. Smith is really an awesome musician. I'm gonna get back to my reading but under normal circumstances I would have someone to report this relatively minuscule detail of my life to, now, instead, I guess I'll release it into the blogosphere. Also, listen to Groovy from Cardcaptor Sakura's ending theme and look up the English lyrics, it makes a lot of sense.

And maybe someday....

I'll go to bed at 4. I've been looking up all the words I'm not sure of in the dictionary so I've made relatively little process. I've moved away from the author having sex with mares and moving onto boys his own age, I consider that progress.

Day 14 - part 2

Today I didn't do much. I read a few chapters of the book so far, but I'll need to finish it before going to bed. I tried to install Ubuntu and failed, installed Rockbox on my D2 and almost bricked it. :(

He left after talking to me for a bit. :'(

I don't want to lament forever, I should do something, but what? I liked the idea in my dream, but I wonder if it's too soon, too late or just wholly inappropriate. Does he think about us? Does he wish we were together? Does he miss me at all? Does he know I miss him? If I start thinking about what I've done, there's a voice inside my head that says "move along, you're not right for him" I've been such an idiot, I just wish I could make things right, I hate sorry, but it's the only word I know for this, I deeply regret doing it? That makes it sound like being arrested for something. I am angry at myself, that's what it is most of the time for justifying my actions then and for lying about them, I am sorry.Then again, were there other things that were wrong when were together? Some, I guess, all relationships have them, but they are not like this wall I've put up between us, I can jump the others, not this one. I can't destroy it by myself either, so I wonder, does he think about us?

The brief exchange of words I had with him today made me think: what if my mother doesn't want me to go home for Christmas? What would it be like to spend Christmas alone at home? I would probably spend it crying in my room, that's sad... But then again, what's so great about it? My family is practically non existent - there is my mother in one place, my dad in another, and I'm now being shunned by one of them. There is no "coming together" at Christmas, and there hasn't been for a while. It has usually just been me and my mum making "Bacalhau com natas" and talking about life, then going to bed and waking up the next day. I'm past the age of receiving presents too. Christmas lost all its magic to me on the year my dad said he was spending it with his mother in Lisbon - my mother and her had had a fight because of my dad's infidelities and in the end he said he was going to spend Christmas, he made up some excuse at the time. Then, it was either that year or the following that he spent the New Year at his mistress' in Brazil. Then another year I came down with some sort of illness which left me fainting the day before we were due to take up a place at this restaurant for New Year. My dad seemed hell-bent on proving that I had done it on purpose since he was so angry at everyone.  I swapped  grilled tiger prawns and a huge assortment of grilled fish and meat for chicken soup at home on the verge of losing consciousness in front of my mother and dad. In the end, my dad insisted in buying prawns and my mum grilling them whilst he sat at the table as usual, waiting to be served.
Whatever happens, either with my mother or not, I'll have to just accept it I guess.

So there, I've sort of made peace with myself either way. I haven't been able to make peace with spending another month without him though - it is inevitable, he probably wants to shoot me on sight, I want to hold his hand on sight, and never let go :(

I feel like buying a guitar and making a song. Reminds me of "El Scorcho". : '(((  Estou mesmo triste.

Day 14 - part 1.2

Just a small update:


I Officially can't use Ubuntu - flashing screen - Nvidia driver issue, gotta do sudo something in the command line, look for kernel line, hit b, then e, then delete the entire thing because I have no idea what these people are on about in the forums.


*frustrated*

*Missing him* Perhaps he wouldn't necessarily be able tell me exactly which command line to use,but it would at least make the whole experience of trying to install Ubuntu meaningless*

*sigh*


(I messed up the formatting of the font so had to find something to work around that - *bold* *italic* *colour background*) It could be worse.

Day 14

I woke up late today, again, and I had a similar dream to the one on day 11 I think, it was about him. Thinking about it now... I think at one point I was just thinking with my eyes closed. So I dreamed I had gone to his house, cut up pieces of brightly coloured cardboard saying "sorry" and hung them from his oak tree. Then, on the hedge alongside the road he travels through, there were banners saying "I miss you". And then at the end of the day we would go to this place that he says he goes to to take pictures and... then I woke up. My dreams tend to end quite ironically these days.

Signed onto messenger and he talked to me. I'm happier now.

Hm, I hadn't thought about my mother in a while now. I've been talking to my dad recently and he tells me she is fine, he asks me who took her to Boston the other day, I say I don't know, but also ommit I have an idea who might have... Maybe it's time I called her instead of waiting for her to call me. We haven't talked since she said I needed to change and there is the practical concern of whether or not she still wants me over for Christmas. I think this and that are two different things though, she wouldn't just tell me to go spend Christmas under a bridge, I guess I should check, just in case. :S

He is away. I should go as well and eat something. I don't know what's worse: not talking to him at all, or talking to him and then not hearing from him when he goes away or something. Probably the latter. Ok, I'm gonna reheat last night's chicken. I managed to get 4 portions out of last night's roast chicken so I won't have to cook any time soon, which is good, at least this way I'll eat something. BRB

Back. The chicken is still half cold, but it's cool! I watched Yumeiro Patissiére and Amano Ichigo made custard pudding today. They practically told you lots of tips to make it: the caramel must be amber colour, although some people prefer it a bit bitter (like me) and u must stir in the sugar and egg yolks in big circular motions so the milk doesn't froth and make little cavities in the pudding when it goes in the oven to be baked (like my mother's and other restaurants in Portugal). I might have a go at making one when I've finished my essay. *sigh* I miss him. And I wish my mother wouldn't be like this, at least my dad is blissfully ignorant so I talk to him and he doesn't have to feel weird or anything.

Oh he said something!


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*sigh* This is why I installed Ubuntu (as well) - Yesterday I installed Ubuntu btw, I didn't/don't like the Gnu loader so I said I didn't want it installed, thinking, stupidly, that Windows Vista's boot loader would cover Ubuntu - it didn't. So now, I have 161 gb of space which I can't access until I install a boot loader.

Now I'm talking to Cat (best friend), my msn crashed (again) so I don't know if he got my messages. *sigh*

I think this will do for now, I've gotta read this book otherwise I'll be in deep trouble! :S Oh shit, he's not getting any of my messages :'((((((((((

On a last note: some girl outside just shouted "SALLYY, SALLY WANTS YOUR BIG FAT TIT". I live in a classy area.

Day 13 - part 2

He's replied, saying to leave him alone until he wants to talk to me. Great (!) I can't read his mind.
Ok, fair enough, his silence usually means he doesn't want to talk to me, I got that, but what I didn't know was whether or not he wanted me to keep trying to talk to him. Last time I tried to give him time to think he thought I was ignoring him and not caring much for the situation, so this time I did the opposite. I'm an idiot.

The good news about this is that at least I know where I stand, so I won't lay awake until 6 in the morning wondering why he hasn't replied. I wonder why he couldn't have this sort of behaviour with the people that were saying how much they liked him whilst he was with me? Why? The higher the climb, the higher the fall, maybe he liked me more than those people, hence why it now turned into strong negative feelings. What does all this philosophy mean, now, anyway?

He thinks I'm acting as if I've done nothing wrong. That's simply not true, it's not a question of acting anything, I was wrong, and I am sorry, or rather, sorry doesn't even begin to cut it, but I realise my mistakes and I would just like to someday talk to him again because I still harbour feelings for him, and I feel like a complete cunt for not being able to deal with my/our issues appropriately. Go figure why I start crying in bed, with him next to me, when I find a picture of a penis on his laptop? Any one with a drop of common sense would have woken him up, asked about it and gone about the rest of the night, happy in the knowledge all is fine. Instead, I kept it to myself, until I couldn't hold it in anymore, by which time I had already formed my suspicions that there was something wrong there and that he was like my second boyfriend. This is idiotic, I know! There are so many things that I should have done otherwise, but instead screwed up, but hey, I can say I learned my lesson, and I know not to hurt anyone like that again, that not all men are cunts, even though in the process I turned myself into one. I am so sorry, to all the people that have gone through what him, and me, have gone through, what I've done is an abomination, you can't explain why someone who has gone through the same would do something like that, still, I know I've hurt him, but I also know I am not the same person, I'm scared, now more than ever, of not seeing or talking to him again, I have feelings for him which I am trying to keep in check until someday when he might have healed enough to accept them, and I know this may take years, but hey, I really do like this guy.

At the same time, it's not fair for him to say I'm behaving like I did nothing wrong when he hasn't even talked to me lately. If he had, he would know that there isn't a day when I don't think about how much he is suffering and how guilty I feel. Although useless now, this whole situation makes me break down in the middle of cafes, in the tube, on the street. How much lamenting have my friends endured with me saying "oh I hate myself, I don't know what to do, he isn't calling me, he doesn't want to see my face again", over, and over, and over again? I can understand it's hard, and that he hates me, he probably hates me even more now for still trying to contact him instead of laying down dead. :'(
What I haven't done is acted like I did nothing wrong!

I need to eat now, as usual, I haven't had anything all day. My stomach doesn't even complain anymore. I don't feel hungry either, but I know that my head will start to hurt in a minute. I've sent him a text, I might have sounded harsh in the end, I don't know, he just doesn't know, just like I genuinely don't know what's going on with him, I imagine he is hurting, but can't make many more assumptions apart from that. Better go now before everything is closed and I can't eat anything.

Day 13 - part 1

It's 1AM. I should be in bed. It's starting to rain and my clothes have been outside for 3 days now, There's not much point in me getting them now, I'll do it tomorrow. I ended up not having anything to eat yesterday until around 11 when I made a stir fry with some sausages I had taken out of the freezer the day before. As usual, no response from R, but at least, he said "Let me call you" so, that means he'll call, right? Well, that's what I think.

Gotta concentrate on other things at the moment. Maan, it's really raining outside... I think some of the stuff going around in my head at the moment are probably not to be broadcast so I think I should keep the inner workings of my mind to myself, whatever happens, well, happens.

My earphones will be arriving some time next week, I'm very excited about that :) My new YUI album will arrive in 2 weeks time I think and then in December/January, I'll have a new Ikimono Gakari album to cheer me up. I also need to keep up my Japanese, start attending Ancient Greek again and, well, do well in my exams, that will make me very happy.

Listen to this:

You're the storm - The Cardigans
Hedonism - Skunk Anansie
Thin line between love and hate - The Pretenders
Lovefool - The Cardigans

Have a nice day

Day 12 - part 2

Just woke up! No, really, I really just opened my eyes and sat at my desk.
I had the most vivid dream I've had in a while! As usual, I can't remember all of it, but it involved him, and me, talking on some bed :) There were kisses, and... wait a moment, there's a kid outside singing "and I will always love youuuuu". It's a convent school. Still, she sings quite well, I'm jealous of her performance.
As I was saying, so we kissed, and we talked, and then I woke up half happy. Then I looked at my phone, and there was nothing.

I'm hungry, I'm gonna get some food and play Oblivion for, say, an hour? Then read my book for the rest of the day, the presentation has to be finished this Thursday and I haven't even heard from the girls in my group, it's crap. My plans for the weekend include arcades when I finish the book, and then church on Sunday. Yes, I'm going to a church, again, after God knows how many years of trying to stay away from them. One of the people in my course invited me, it's a Latin American Catholic church so I'll be listening to Spanish and praying for my sins/etc. Not that prayer does anything other than transfer the guilt somewhere else, until you realise it never left you because no one did listen to you mumbling to yourself, it's sad, but it works for some! I'm also gonna do a sneaky thing and participate in the Holy Communion without confessing. :O It'll just be this one time, I sort of miss it to be honest, it tasted so bland and looked so white, it was strange but all part of the ritual.

Then for the rest of the week, it'll be studying and reading stuff and doing my Philosophy essays I guess. When I can, I'll pre-order the new Ikimono Gakari album, which btw, comes out on the 23rd of December (a special edition with a DVD - Honestly, I would prefer the stickers they released with their last album :( ).
Ah, I also need to wash my bed linen, there has been a considerable lack of hygiene over the past few weeks :(

I'm sure I'll write some more as and if there are any new developments. I guess for now I'll let him call me as he said. Should I text him still? I don't know. *sigh*

Day 12 - Part 1

*sigh* *bah* *meh*

No phone call. No text message. Nothing.
Well I was really just creating scenarios in my head, the latest one is uglier than the other two, but I'm prepared for that as well. I think I might go to bed now :/ I've been trying to fix Oblivion but I'm scared it might delete my save files :( That would break my heart, my poor Jackothy being killed off just like that? Never! He is a powerful Nightbladel or whatever class I ended up creating.

*sigh* How I like Oblivion :) I wish it would never end. Yoshi! I must uninstall the game and reinstall it, it's the only way!

Day 11 part 2

I'm home now. I have been for the past... 3/4 hours? I was right, the test was today. My performance wasn't brilliant, I winged a lot of it, but it's better than nothing at this point. If it was for me I'd just stay in my little bubble and wouldn't see anyone, but I know that that won't help.

He has stopped talking to me again.
I don't know what to do anymore. A friend asked me what had happened, and I told her, in the tube. Then, after I left to change tube, I was crying all the way home whilst the guy in front of me kept passing wind and pretending it wasn't him. Life sucks.

OMFG!

I got a text
from him.

It says "Let me call you". Should I reply? Maybe not, I don't like to get texts saying "k", so I'm not gonna do it. Oh no. He's going to call me and tell me "I hate you, I don't want to see your face again, don't contact me again, etc" or, "I just don't love you anymore, I don't care what you did, it's all meaningless to me". I have been bothering him, I bothered him too much. I knew I should have done like M told me and just not contacted him. Oh no, what to do.

Just waiting. Yes, that's it. I'll wait. What if he is waiting for a reply? Ohhhhh crap. Get a hold of yourself. Whatever he wants to say, he is calling you. Whatever he is going to say, he'll say it. Ok, my heart is racing. My fingers are trembling. My whole body is shaking, and it's a mixture of nervousness, extreme happiness and extreme sadness (I'm a very extreme person at  the moment). Ahhhhhhhhhhhh ooooooooooooh I'm going craaaaaaaaaazy, but not crazy "I wanna kill myself" (yet) just crazy "omg he said something". Maybe the World is going to end after all, I've had my dose of happiness for this lifetime and now someone is gonna take me away. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh crap.

Jesus Christ, calm down. Breathe.

I'm breathing.

Still breathing.

Neutral.

No expectations.

Whatever is coming, I'll just need to deal with it when it comes.

Day 11

It sounds like it happens on purpose, but it doesn't, I swear. I sent him a text telling him how I feel, and I didn't get a reply. He was away on messenger, he just ignored what I wrote.

I just got back from watching a film at a friend's (2:40AM). I spent a week with him in Paris, it was at a time when I was ok with being on my own. We went to Macdonald's, my first and only meal of the day. Then, he invited me to watch a film, so I went. We watched Les chansons d'Amour. The film was confusing plot-wise, and I almost cried at one point, but I managed not to. I'm not a fan to just let my emotions show in public like it happened 2 days ago. When I realised, it was 2 in the morning so I said I had to go and he walked me to my place since he needed to smoke as well (everyone around me seems to be smoking now). It was nice of him to invite me so I had a chance to get out of the house. The film probably didn't help my current state of mind. I kept playing "There is no if" in my head, which, of course, only made me want to cry even more.

Today, I woke up at 10. I fell asleep with my earphones on and with "Breathless" by Corinne Bailey Rae  on continuous play. It was... sympathetic I think, of her (Corinne) to sing that song at that time. It didn't make me feel happier, or induce any sort of resolution in me, it was just comforting.

In contrast, looking at my phone this morning and not seeing a reply wasn't. I read an article yesterday about these "fool-proof" ways to win back someone you've betrayed and it said something along the lines of "don't set yourself up for the big rejection, give him/her time". Interestingly, there was another article, dedicated solely to the "how much time should you give him/her" and it talks, in very vague terms, about finding a middle ground: not too much time so he/she thinks you're not interested nor too little so he/she gets tired of you. I have not been that good at following that sort of advice. I think that if the other people still feels something, you have to seize it whilst it's still there. It sounds selfish. But I think that even more selfish is following some rules like this was some sort of game, as if relationships are that straightforward - if the person was with you at some point, it must mean that there is something about you yourself that he/she liked, so doing as some guy in Florida is telling you seems pretty pointless, unless they love that other person too. :/

I'm half joking there, I think.

Bah, I don't know anymore. Yesterday it seemed like he could talk to me again, now, I'm quickly spiralling down into despair again. I can't let this affect me this much though. If there is still anything left of his feelings for me, he'll text, or e-mail, or call. He knows how to contact me if he really wants to. He knows how I feel, now, I've spent too much time being depressed and doing nothing over something that I can't change, and my academic life is suffering as a result. I've got to finish this degree. As M says, I need to distract myself from my own feelings. After I've done what I have to do, I can concentrate on this again, right now, I fear I might fail the few modules I'm taking this year.

And here is what is interesting about the human brain and how it handles pain: I might never talk to my mother again, I might fail this semester and not get a decent degree, I might be thinning out of existence because I have one meal a day, and yet, all I think about is him, his pain, how much I deserve to be miserable. And then I have friends saying it's not like that, and they're right. No one deserves to be miserable. He doesn't deserve it, and neither do I. It's hard to take all the pain I've caused him, harder to forgive and impossible to forget. I am not kidding anyone by saying I deserve what I'm feeling now, but there comes a point where you have to balance your self-pity with your normal life, and I think this starts now for me. I realise I can't make things better in a second. It's not like "Friday I'm in love". So I must keep on doing the things I have to do and at the same time feel what I'm feeling. I think that that is harder than what I have been doing so far. He has done it, and I can imagine how incredibly hard it must have been for him to go to work the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. I've just been a coward and took refuge at home and started what my mother called a "hunger strike" - it's not like that really, I'm just not hungry : / So hey, I'll do that and try to make him see that I am sorry for what happened, but I want to look ahead and see him there if at all possible, someday, somehow.

So now I need to read the autobiography of a Cuban writer who caught AIDS and later commited suicide. It should put my own life into perspective I guess. I am not sure if I have an oral test today or not so I will need to go to Uni and at least attend that lesson, after I've written something for it. I'll email/text him first though :/

Day 10 - UPDATE

I need to stop calling these updates. They started because I was never one to write consistently over a period of time so it seemed like a post a day would be enough.

I'm listening to Far away by Nickelback. I only have 3 songs by them in my library but this is easily my favourite song at the moment. The second time I listened to it it managed to steal a smile from me when Chad says "cus you know, you KNOW, YOU KNOWWWWW" It hits the

right spots at the moment.

After a bit of research, Chad says this is THE ONLY love song Nickelback has written. He says that some are "about" love, but this is the only one that is just about "being in love". I had hoped that Carole King's Far away would have the same effect, but it only makes me sadder. She places no hope in reconciling, hence why people say they get divorced to that song. Nickelback's Far away is much better for me. I imagine Eminem's Kim as this big black monster, and Far away as a whitish blue beam of energy. Like this:

Kim
Far Away

It sounds silly. It probably is. At least I've exchanged emails with him today. :)

Day 10

I fell asleep at 8PM, woke up at 6 AM, went back to sleep, woke up at 12. My room smells of last night's pasta, my only source of nourishment lately it seems, and there is a chocolate wrapper on the floor. I am reading up on how to regain trust from a lost relationship. I missed my appointment with the psychologist on the 9th of November, I wish I had taken it now. I see his face everywhere I go. Every time my phone rings, I hope it's him. I've got, exactly, 17 texts in my drafts folder, unsent thoughts, and they will remain that way.

If he hates me, if he doesn't want to see me again, he would say. I am thinking, he didn't love me. That's what happened. He might have thought he did, but he realised now he doesn't and just doesn't want to say it. Where does all that anger come from? I want to say, you were supposed to love me, and when you do, things work out.

I have been thinking about the day when I called him saying that I wanted him to come here. When I planned to breakup. I said at the time that when I realised he wanted to breakup as well I was scared. I don't know why I was scared. I didn't want to breakup, of course not. I wanted to shake him up, to make him see how we were going downhill. Instead of trying to fix things, he nonchalantly stood in my room and said "Well, there's nothing I can do". Is that the attitude of someone who wants to be with you forever? When was the last time he said I love you? I can't remember.

Then why am I not moving on? Why am I not healing? Because I still harbour some hope. It is pathetic that I think this way but I don't want anyone else. No one else can mean as much to me as he does, and so I don't know what to do. I was used to having this perfect person next to me, who would go to the places I liked, and with who I enjoyed going to places, and now... what? I enjoyed going to the arcades, but it goes beyond that. Who would go to the arcades and be fascinated by references to Japanese, go with me on a kid's hopping game? Who can I go and see that film I like with? Who can I go to Japanese restaurants with? Who is going to eat the bio-schnitzels in my freezer??? Or the spinach tortellini, or the amount of vegetables in my fridge?

Who is going to say I took their cover last night? Or not mind me growing mould in a container just because it looks like a plant?

I hate not being able to change the past. I hate that I could justify myself by telling myself that he was doing the same. I hate that I justify his silence now with "he never loved me". The truth hurts more than that lie. It is infinitely worse than what I use to justify. He hates me because I broke his heart. I hate myself for that too. If he did love me, this is hurting him every time he thinks about it. I would give anything to cure him of that, just don't ask me to give up. How can he be ok with not talking to me though? Is he ok with not talking to me?

He said to me once that he didn't want to tell me how horrible he felt because he didn't want to give me that. Why would he think I wanted to see him suffer? Why? I keep saying, on here, to M and to P, I feel terrible, I wish I could just not have done it, but I can't. I want to fix it however, because I'm empty inside without him. When I was with him, there was him and our problems. Not having him, takes the problems away as well, but I still want him. I can take whatever he throws at me if I can hold his hand again.

Although it hurts, I've started listening to The Cure, Kimya, R.E.M. It seems like he is here, talking to me. It reminds me of Malcolm in the Middle, it makes me think I just want to go to his house and see him.

Day 9 - UPDATE

Never thought I would be affected this much by something which I had prepared myself before for, for the wrong reasons, and in the wrong way. That song, Kim, the words keep echoing in my head, the hatred resonates with my whole body and it makes me stand up straight. I hate that song. I hate it.

The hatred in it is far too great. They were married, had children, she left him for someone else, THAT WAS NOT WHAT HAPPENED HERE. She is saying I love you because she is scared, not because she wants him back. She is crying because she is scared, I am not. Why is this so hard. If there is love, why can't we try again? Try to trust again? Why? "I thought you needed me more", I really did. Now I feel like a fool, tied to something which we've created and which I can't let go of. It has been like this before, many other times.

It has been so long, but really so long, since I've cried this much, this persistently, it is happy and sad at the same time that this has such a strong effect on me. WHY THE FUCK COULDN'T I SEE IT BEFORE.

The days feel like centuries, I look back at pictures of me throughout the year and I look at my eyes, calm, not worried about a thing. Then slowly, sadder and sadder, until you almost can't see anything.

I wonder if anyone reads this.

Day 9

You slipped away. Through my fingers, like water escaping from a broken cup, like blood from an open wound, I couldn't stop it. I could only look, cry and wait.

I didn't sleep last night. I don't know how I could. I am assaulted by memories of him every minute of the day. I'm sorry, I didn't mean assaulted, that is negative. The memories are good, but the reality of losing him is what hurts.

Robert Smith wrote some popular songs for The Cure, most of them being in The Cure's "Greatest Hits", however, there is an album which I had never heard about, called "Bloodflowers", again, he gave it to me. I have been listening to "There is no if". I haven't understood what he meant with the lyrics, but this is what I've got so far:

There is no if, only and - there is no "if I had done this" "if things were different". Life is a series of additions, there is no having a second go, just a adding to what is done. He used to tell me that songs are the artist's way of sharing their experience. There is also another side to it which is to do with the way we adapt songs to suit us, our own experiences. My experience of Love was that I was a fool for not recognising it, and now I can't substitute my short sightedness, there is no time machine, there is no if.

I got an email, oh, two now.

I'm listening to Eminem's song Kim - first time. It's scary. I don't know his story with Kim, but, whatever it was, she must have hurt him. From what I can gather, he cheated on her before, and now she cheated on him and he is angry. Whenever he says "Get the fuck away from me" "I hate you" "How the fuck could you do this to me", it is like him saying it himself. I don't like the song - second time. I do condemn her for cheating on him, but he had done the same, I don't know why he lashed out like that. The message is clear either way: he doesn't want her in his life. He doesn't want me in his life. He hates me. There is no love - third time. Our case is different. Oh, he is home and there is someone else in his place, she left him and replaced him. So he wants me to understand that he hates me, he doesn't want to see me any more. I hate this song - fourth time. I haven't replaced him. I have been an asshole, and I just wanted him to realise how much I want us to start afresh. That thought in my head, against the background of the music is barely audible.

Someday by Nickelback just came on. It was the first song I listened to by them and I cried when I watched the videoclip the first time. At this time, it makes more sense than ever.

I just listened to Eminem again and I just want to scream WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND YOU ARE ALL I WANT. I MESSED THINGS UP, BUT I AM WANTING TO GIVE MY EVERYTHING TO GET YOU BACK. I want you, I love you, and I don't want anyone else.

How selfish. I disgust myself.

Day 8 - UPDATE

I'm calmer now. I don't recognise the person who wrote that below.

I'm not annoyed, secretly, I understand and accept, but I still don't like it. Since he is going to forget me, or move on, or whatever he is doing, I'll try the same.

I still can't listen to Mouldy Peaches, Kimya Dawson, watch Juno, go to Starbucks, walk through Chinatown at night. I still think you should be my part-time lover and full-time friend. I still don't see what anyone can see in anyone else, I'm still yours, but I also recognise, now more than ever, that you don't want to have anything to do with me. Although it might hurt, I will learn to smile again eventually, just like he is doing. I know I have to create new memories, banalise going to the places made special just because of his presence there, enfim, try to make my existence a little bit more bearable.

Today I had a test. I can't say it went great, not even good, but during the test I learned that I can't let this affect me this much, I have been working for where I am now for the past 4 years, and I can't let it all just slip away because of a stupid moment. I can, and have learned with my mistakes, and I will never make anyone suffer as much as I made him suffer, I have now been on both ends of the same situation and none of them are easy, I can say that and know the pain, I am quite conscious of it right now.

This is by no means the end of the blog. I come to this sort of conclusion every once in a while, but something in his silence reminds me of how hard it is not seeing a few words written by his hands, for me. And at those moments I end up crying, depressed and then angry at myself and him, but all of it is meaningless, really. This life is 2 seconds. If you hang around and concentrate on the pain too much it goes by and you don't even realise you enjoyed it. I, for my part, have made someone's existence miserable for a while, but I know that he will eventually forget this pain and move on, it's just how humans deal with things.

Having said that, secretly, I haven't given up on you yet, maybe foolishly, because I still feel that L feeling.

Day 8

P left my house today at around 5:15 in the morning. The past day have been a mixture of emotions: sadness, anger, annoyance, further annoyance, mild contentment, resentment, sadness.

Sadness has now been a regular appearance in my brain. It almost has its own talk show and fashion line. Annoyance, however, is a newcomer. Until now, I have focused on how sad not talking to him has made me and how guilty I feel over what happened, however, lately, I am starting to feel a certain annoyance because of his silence. Now, I do understand people need their own space to sort things out, and I would like to think I respected that. I kept sending him text messages, yes, in the hope that he would be able to respond with a simple "yes" or "no" or " leave me alone". In fact, he has done neither.

This morning, P left and his departure made me sadder than usual. It was him that made me eat, go out, and not be miserable about life all the time. It really truly helped me when he's been here, but the goodbye was sad, even though I was mostly asleep. He has been a great support over the past few days. I have no idea how he was able to still laugh and smile when I was depressed or annoyed or angry with him most of the time, or rather, it wasn't all at him really, but rather at the things I was thinking about and then, yes, at his lack of empathy.

This is the reason why people accumulate relationship issues throughout their lifetime. He feels betrayed and thinks I am a cunt. All I have done is apologise to him and downplay his participation in my idiotic actions but why? To what purpose? I have done what he has asked and written him a list of what happened, I told him my feelings at the time. Then, we chatted on messenger to try and tie some loose ends, but we couldn't, that was the last I heard from him. And now, again, I don't want to open up to anyone ever again. I don't want to love, I don't want to be that close to anyone.

I have deleted him as a friend on Facebook and Last.fm. It is too painful to look and see he is online and not talking to me. It's too painful to even think he is forgetting me or moving on or, even more, that he has forgotten me, that his love was insincere. To be able to ignore someone like this, you must be hurt so badly that you can't trust that person, I know, but to completely ignore the person, without cutting all ties, is just like rubbing salt on the wounds - I see him online, he doesn't reply.

I have texted him, called him, called him, called him, nothing. I'm resenting having these feelings and how they're tying me to him.

Day 7

Sunday, the 22nd.

Sunday was another depressing day. As usual, the night before, I had started to feel a bit less depressed, however, in the morning, there is something which makes me want to scream and cry at/with my self-pitying state. After that, I feel mild annoyance at his silence, then I feel anger - someone who told me how strong his feelings were and how he wanted things to go back to the way they were is now simply ignoring me. It doesn't make sense. If he doesn't want to talk to me, just let me know, I'll try not to bother him, now what he is doing now is just painful. It's the sort of actions you would expect from a teenager who doesn't know what he is saying when he says "I love you" and thinks it is just something you eat on Sundays after a night out. But then again, what did I expect??? What the hell did I expect? He has reasons.

I went to Starbucks yesterday. The first time since we've split. Apart from the smell which I had associated with him standing in front/behind me in a queue, the whole environment screamed his name and the chairs, the mugs, the cards, everything was like him standing there. I had a cold drink instead of my usual hot chocolate. I sat down with P and the conversation geared towards his ex and my R (can't even refer to him as an e.x. without crying, that is sad). I was remembering the things that I didn't like and the times when I tried to tell him and how he did not listen. I also commented how ironic it was that the day he decided to change was the day he broke up with me. Alanis Morisette - Ironic. Then suddenly, Cat Power - Sea of Love. That is a song from Juno's soundtrack, one of his favourite films. He introduced me to the film, and to the soundtrack. Although that track is not as depressing or reminiscent of him as K*mya D*wson or, worse still, track 17 of the Juno Soundtrack. I can't even write the name down. Suffice to say I couldn't contain the tears any more so I had to run to the toilet and cry. At that moment I realised how much pain me thinking about our relationship was bringing us (I suppose, I don't know though because he is not talking to me). I came out of the toilet, eyes blood red and was fine for the rest of the evening. By fine I mean I wasn't crying on the outside, I had poured out those feelings, now I'm filling another bottle with tears, until I can't keep them in anymore and I'll have to let it out again.

I broke his heart, yes, he is breaking mine, still, continuously.

Day 6

Yesterday was strange. My feelings for him grow stronger and sadder every time I grasp my phone, everytime I look through my e-mails, everytime I hope that he can tell me everything is going to be alright again. I feel ever more justified in giving up on relationships again. If Love is this fickle or this elusive, then I don't want (you) to love. I want (you) to like. I like anime, I like plants, I like languages, I like Japanese, but I Love you. I can't bear not talking to you. If I was proud or felt justified in betraying you, I can understand how you would not want to see me. But this is not the case :(

Day 5

Started with emptiness.
Confusion.
Started with anger.
Determination.
Started with love.
Abandonment.

Ended with pain.
Love.
Ended with silence.
Communication.
Ended with me.
You.

___________________

Deolinda - Contado ninguém acredita
____________________________

Periodismo dum sentimento duradouro.

Medir um momento

Contar até 1

Pensar a 2

Amar-te

Nada

________________________

Nao comeces...

Nao me captives,
Nao me faças falar.

Nao me faças pensar.
Nao me faças mentir.
Nao me faças sorrir.
Nao me faças andar.
Nao me faças fazer,
O que tu queres?

Nao me esperes.
Nao te iludas.
Nao me iludas.

Nao me ligues.

Nao me faças

Nao te desfaças,

De mim,

O que tu queres,

Mais?

Nao me falas.

Nao te lembras.
Nao me encontras.
Nao me procuras.

Entao,
Nao me fales,

Nao me lembres,
Nao me procures, mas,

Encontra-me, e

no fim,

nao me fales

nem me faças,

Amar-te assim.

Day 4

Hello there. Today has been another bad day for me. My friend P came to visit me (I picked him up from the airport yesterday) and he stayed over last night. On the journey to the airport yesterday I went by EasyBus and the fact I hadn't had food in over a day coupled with the bus' bad driver meant I was fainting. If it wasn't for two nice men in the bus I would have, they gave me some water but there was no food. My head was spinning and my hands were turning paler by the second. I was talking to M on the way and telling him I wasn't hearing from R and I wondered what he was doing when I was texting him those things, I don't think he cares any more. I eventually arrived at Stansted and bought a sandwich, I chewed down two bites and left the rest for P to eat it because if I had any more I was feeling like I could vomit at any time.

What R asked me to do was to list all the things that happened so that he may get it past us. So yesterday I finished something that looked like that and e-mailed him that. I talked to my mother whilst writing it up and I told her again, this time more clearly and calling everything by its name (gay, homosexual, etc). She said it was all my choice and that I had to change and didn't talk to me again. I sent the e-mail to R. Today he sounded disappointed with the fact it was 2 pages long, so I said that I would edit it and add stuff. So I did that from 11 until 14 and I finished it and sent him the file.

So today, after I finished Uni, I went to meet P and Ma at the Tate but soon after, Ma had to leave, he did and it was just me and P for the evening. He was very tired since he hadn't slept much the previous night so we just headed home. He took some photos of me. I look awful, like a corpse, the bags under my eyes have turned darker, my cheeks seem to be caving in more and more by the minute and I look pale - I'm not hungry, if I think about food, I can't stomach anything, I feel like vomiting half the time. I talked to R a few days ago and he said that I was getting the good side of things (fucking other people). The truth is, it's not. Maybe if I was proud or had in any way enjoyed doing those things I would be happy, but it is just not so. I feel more and more depressed every day. Today I went into the toilet and cried my eyes out because I was listening to Shakira's The one. It's a beautiful song about all the things that being with someone special lets you do and the reason that their being next to you brings to everything. I used to love that song, now it just makes me cry. I haven't so much as masturbated these past few weeks, I can't eat, I can sleep now though, and I don't feel motivated to do any work. I'm a mess. I am also getting jealous of a friend R is seeing all the time, but it doesn't matter, he's not mine any more.

That's all for today, I've got to cook for my guest and at least wave goodbye smiling when he goes to meet Ma.

Day 3

Hoje vou postar em Portugues. Ou se calhar uma mistura de Portugues e Ingles, mainly porque estava a ouvir Carole King's song Tapestry onde ela diz "My life has been a tapestry of royal blue and gold", e entao imaginem um tapete de arraiolos, daqueles que por certo estarao em vossas casas, agora imaginemos que cada linha, cada pedaco de pano dobrado tenha sido um episódio da vossa vida - o efeito é o de várias linhas multicolores a formarem um todo que parece estranho á primeira vista, e mais, se o tapete nao estivesse completo, seria impossível decifrar que cor é que a próxima será. Esta aliatoriedade é realmente espantosa, talvez nao tanto no tapete porque era feito com restos de pano, mas mais na vida. Ora vamos lá ver, eu nasci na Glória, em Aveiro, plena cidade. Morei a maior parte da minha vida em Oliveirinha, uma aldeia nos arredores de Aveiro, estudei aí até que no 7o ano fui estudar para a cidade outra vez onde fiquei até aos 16 anos quando a minha vida deu uma reviravolta tamanha: vim para Inglaterra, para Boston, onde continuei os meus estudos e agora, 4 anos depois, estou a estudar em Londres.

As experiencias que vivi, as coisas que já vi, é impossível que eu algum dia pudesse sequer ter imaginado algo como isto. Já pensaram se quando eram mais pequenos, ao olhar para o tecto do vosso quarto, pensaram "eu daqui a X anos vou estar aqui, ou vou conseguir isto ou aquilo". Bem, eu pensava em ir para a Universidade de Aveiro e estudar Geologia. A partir daí, quería percorrer o mundo a descubrir rochas interessantes para estudar e depois estudar dinossauros. A Matemática lá se meteu pelo meio e por isso nunca pude viabilizar esse sonho que tinha, mas é interessante pensar que um dia, quando sabia até menos sobre o Mundo do que sei hoje, as coisas pareciam-me tao claras, digo, os meus desejos, aquilo que queria fazer quando "fosse grande". E agora parece-me que o que escrevi ontem foi um pouco demais. Talvez, mas é o que acontece quando nos deixamos dominar por emocoes e nao a racionalidade do nosso próprio "know better".

So today. Today is a very strange day for me. My friend is coming today at 23:30. I will get him from the airport and then take him to my house. I am uncomfortable with this. I don't want to alienate more people and push away others who have tried to help me through this difficult period but between him and I there is some history, we were boyfriend and boyfriend at one point. I was 15 and he was 19. At the time he was reserved, avert to much contact and felt strongly negative about his sexuality. I liked that in a way. In the end I couldn't do much and we had to part ways. But that is not why I am not comfortable. It is just for the fact that he has become the opposite, he is celebrating his sexuality, which I think is healthy, but he is also very happy with his single life and that makes him not able to connect with me and understand how depressing my break up has been. I've explained now and he has arranged to be with his friend as well and that leaves me a bit calmer.

The break up tore me apart because it was my first relationship and he left me stranded in the library with the words "we both know this hasn't been going well for some time now" burnt onto the screen and my eyes. I went back to class that day with the eyes red from crying and when I got home watched Moulin Rouge several times, probably 10. That ritual continued and I always used to shout out the part when Christian is looking at the Duke kissing Satine and sings/cries "why does my heart cry/feelings I can't hide/you're free to leave me/but just don't deceive me/and please believe me when I say I love you". At the time I thought he was the love of my life, etc., etc. Clearly, as I write this, I know this isn't the case. Although I had grown to repress those memories, I hadn't thought about them until now to be fair, I have come to realise that a lot of my relationship problems come from unresolved fears when we were finished - to be dumped, that is the word that describes what happened, so, to be dumped by someone at that age when I had poured my everything into it was soul/heart/mind crushing and I suspect I haven't been able to open up that much ever since.

My relationship after that, with D (for dickless cunt) was a farce. I had exacted my revenge on my first boyfriend by briefly agreeing to go out with him again and then telling him I had met someone else. He repressed that memory of me as well, and I agree now that it was childish and unnecessary, it would have been best to simply let things rest as they were. And so with D it was the most horrible thing I can think of. He cheated and lied and kept lying and we got to a point where he was with me because no one else would have him (those are his words, not mine) and I was with him because I wanted to make things work. Afterwards, I tried to get back at him, but I never could, or can now. I wish I could just forgive and let go.

My third relationship was, different. It lasted for 1 year effectively, but was officially finished on the 11th of November, and in terms of the emotional charge, it was greater than the previous two. Unlike my second relationship, it didn't start with sex, and unlike my 1st relationship, he didn't have any problems with his sexuality. It was also the first relationship where I didn't see things moving into a relationship as clearly as I did with the previous 2 relationships. It felt like the intimacy of sex was simply an extension of our friendship, a natural progression. There was attraction, but it was much more than that. During the first few weeks I felt, not warmth, but a hotness that rose from my stomach (where so many of my emotions start... strange) and it rose to my cheeks, my head, and then suddenly exploded to the rest of my body. My face felt on fire, like someone had stuck my head against a warm massage bed. I knew then that the only way to calm that fire was to touch him, and so I did, and it started that way. I usually don't like to think I make the first move, and in this case I would like to think that it was mutual.

The night we first kissed I had the most amazing feeling I have had with anyone, ever. Whereas with the other two relationships there was something missing, the first, reciprocity, the second, trust and reciprocity, with time, I was shown that the feeling was corresponded.

After a few weeks, the issues that had been in my mind from the beginning (is he the one, is he going to be another D/P?) slowly waned and it was good. But then they returned again and I wasn't able to deal with it. Although I am able to usually think about things maturely and with a certain degree of logical cogency, this wasn't something I was prepared to face again, and so my insecurities from past relationships came back: does he really want to be with me? Who is that person he is texting? Why are they writing X or Y? In the face of those issues, I closed myself off from him, expecting it to turn out like D. It was confusing, it wasn't like that, but it was on the line, it wasn't something I was used to or wanted: other people sending certain messages, showing a level of intimacy which, although not necessarily physical, had more history and more "roots" than my relationship with him.

It's a joke that only after something like our breaking up happens I am able to reflect about this critically. Well, I did think about what I was doing, but I justified it by saying that I didn't know what he was doing and all the people that like him were enough and he didn't need me to add to things. How many times have I talked to friends and we've reached the conclusion that lack of communication is often the root of all evil. And this is what happened, coupled with issues which everyone needs to solve BEFORE they go into a relationship. I know it is hard to recognise them until they surface again, in a relationship. But do it now. Think about your past relationships and how it affected you as a person: have you lost your ability to trust people? Do you feel unable to love again? Unable to engage in the level of intimacy you had with that partner?

I am going to stop writing this, it's long enough as it is to be fair and I need to get a start on something he asked me to do. Summing up, today has been a day of retrospection. I don't like to think about it, unless it is something good. To think about something I did wrong again and again only makes me feel like yesterday, I hope I don't do anything stupid.

Day 2

Today has been a rollercoaster. I'm going to start by the end.

A couple of minutes ago I was talking to him (R) and he dropped a bomb: one of the very close encounters I had with someone. And then stopped talking to me. I am confused, numb, and the depression is settling in again, I am guessing he is feeling the same, but worse.

About a week ago, when a similar thing happened, I sought help from other people to calm my guilt, I also confessed to one of them to having suicidal thoughts. Since then I've abandoned those thoughts because it was the stupidest way to end things and a way that would cause him and others around me even more pain.

Now, I don't think it would. I'm having them again and I don't want to turn to the same people who are surely sick and tired of listening to me crying and repeating the same things over and over again.

When the day started, nothing indicated that this would happen. I woke up happy, really, actually happy. I was talking to him and him with me until late the night before and it was wonderful, just writing about it makes me warm inside! I jumped twice in the middle of the room and said "Uni time today!". At night, we talked about ways to put this behind us and maybe one day in the future things might be better.

The past 3 or 4 hours, I was walking through London and we were having a little discussion about my lack of money and I giggled to myself because of how we sounded like a married couple - me being the overspending wife and him being the executive with the money - actually, I just thought of that, at the time I was just happy that we were talking so civilised.

I managed to go to Tesco today and get provisions for the next 4 days. A friend of mine is coming over and staying with me until Monday morning. In the mean time I will have to entertain him with the help of his friend Mark. The timing could not be worst if I think about it carefully but it would only add to my feeling sad if I was to turn around and disappoint him, he doesn't have anything to do with my personal life or my feelings and so shouldn't be exposed to me crying and sighing all the time.

I received today a very special thing I ordered, a Cowon D2+ by the way! This is very good news and it will help to keep my mind from wandering into the land of horribleness all the time.

Yesterday we exchanged a lot of messages, and one long e-mail. In it, I told him about this blog and he responded that now all my posts would hide my true thoughts or feelings, I said there was nothing to tone down, and there isn't. What is different, and I realise he was right, is that because I know he might read this, I'm not writing it for the masses like I did in my previous post, but rather, I'm writing it for him, like posters in a public place. In a way, it is a public apology to him.

But enough about the good of the day which, although in terms of time occupied a very big slot, in terms of impact, it crumbles in comparison, it was like building a sandcastle on the beach and having a big fat kid trample on it in front of your eyes and then run away.

It all started to get a bit strange when he started to call me names (idiot, stupid, etc. that sort of things) and then I thought something was up, but he does have his reasons to be mad at me. So when I got home things escalated to the point where I made a joke and he came out with what was bothering him.

I think that, if given enough time, I would have come out with it myself. Not everything has been explained and for there to be acceptance of what happened he needs to know what went on both inside and outside my head. The first was the most difficult to arrive at although it wasn't anything completely mind boggling and the latter is simply the facts. So the shock of having it revealed like that was enough to make me go mental again (as you might imagine from the beginning) but I am calmer now.

I forget, sometimes, that I have already had time to digest what I've done and to come to terms with it. Although the guilt is always there, I don't cry over it any more, although at times like these, the longer I leave things, the worse it is, so it's like a bomb ready to go off. What has been keeping me from cracking the past few days have been two main things, or people, one is a friend of mine, let's call him M and the other is him, R. M is currently waiting for me to stop writing this so I can go for my "counselling" appointment with him. I know what he is going to say though: "It's all a question of time". And it is. People get over the death of someone close to them over the course of time, terrible things that have happened in the World are healed through time, so this should not be any different. R has helped me by not completely ignoring me and conversations like last night make me think that actually it might happen one day - immediately after thinking that, I have to bring myself down to earth, to the reality that is not having him, not even so much as seeing him and that hurts. I have been thinking whether or not this would be easier if I had no hope of holding him again. Maybe. I think that if I grasp his hand again, I'm not letting go. Stupid humanity that can only learn how important something is when they've lost it. Stupid and pathetic.

I've been thinking, I just want to die.

Day 1

5 days ago our world fell apart.

I was in a relationship with this great guy with who I used to go to different cities with, garden centres, hug, kiss, sleep, everything. Let's call him R.

Usually in stories like this, the formula goes that the great guy does something terrible and it's up to the other to deal with it. In this case, not so much. I did the screw up. Not the whole thing, but I was very close to it.

So he did the right thing and called me and we ended our relationship. I tried to lie, twice, thinking that maybe if I could make things not so bad, it would make things go back to the way they were before quicker, but he discovered my lie and then it was over, again. Communication was one sided for the first 2 days after. I procured a way to make me feel better and to then help him. I went on a website and got advice on our situation on how I was feeling, I understood that I was focusing on what I was feeling too much and not giving his feelings as much thought, I wasn't getting replies from him. Maybe because I know it hurts, the same happened to me, although at the time it was easy for me to hate him, he was scum and there were no redeeming features about our relationship, it was easy to hate him and leave things at that, it was fine by me, I had prepared myself enough to be able to end the relationship.

Now I'm the scum, aggravated by my lying and counter-lying.

Today I thought I was fine about how things turned out, he is now talking to me again and I was able to meet a friend and show her around London because of that, instead of hiding at home like usual. The truth is, I am not ready. I looked in the mirror this morning and said "Now let's go to Uni". But I didn't. Instead I went back to bed, curled up and cried. Then went to attend a lecture but came back home halfway through. About an hour ago I decided to talk to a friend on Skype and he keeps saying to think about my future as well and to not cry over something I cannot change.

And then I cried again. I am not crying because of what I did. I already cried my share for that, and that is not much compared to what he is suffering. I am crying because I can feel us drifting apart more and more and I can't see how I can change that. I miss him, I miss being with him in the weekends, I miss everything about him, his clothes, his smell, the way he stands just a little bit taller than me when i go to kiss him, how he lets his beard grow because I like it, the horrible smell of his window cleaner liquid, how he goes crazy when I tickle him, his shoes and the holes in them, I even learned to appreciate his odd socks and how all these little things make him now stand single and uniquely lovely for me. But what I miss most of all right now is his writing, just a single letter in a text would be ok now, and I know I shouldn't even be asking for this when I hurt him so much but wherever I go , it reminds me of him.

Yesterday was the worst day because I went with my friend to the train station at King's Cross. Both boards had the place where his house is in the list of stops. I looked at them twice and considered the chances of being ignored by him, punched in the face or killed by drunken people on a sunday night like that (there were a lot of them around), but I wanted to, I wanted to jump on one to comfort him, to let him know that I know I was wrong and how much I want him. I wouldn't just leave my friend stranded there either, of course, and I hadn't texted him for a couple of hours because I was with her, so I didn't jump on the train to see him, most of all because I didn't know what to say to him first. Sorry? Sorry I'm late? Is sorry even enough? It doesn't even begin to cut what I feel.

When she left, when I was in the escalators waiting to reach the bottom floor, my stomach turned uncomfortably and I didn't cry then, instead, I talked to my mother who was trying to call me since that morning and then sent him a text asking if he was home, but he wasn't. That was all.

So the blog is really just about how I feel each day. Feel free to comment anything you want to say, abuse, whatever, something, rather than nothing is good.

Alanis Morisette - Not as we