Day 1

5 days ago our world fell apart.

I was in a relationship with this great guy with who I used to go to different cities with, garden centres, hug, kiss, sleep, everything. Let's call him R.

Usually in stories like this, the formula goes that the great guy does something terrible and it's up to the other to deal with it. In this case, not so much. I did the screw up. Not the whole thing, but I was very close to it.

So he did the right thing and called me and we ended our relationship. I tried to lie, twice, thinking that maybe if I could make things not so bad, it would make things go back to the way they were before quicker, but he discovered my lie and then it was over, again. Communication was one sided for the first 2 days after. I procured a way to make me feel better and to then help him. I went on a website and got advice on our situation on how I was feeling, I understood that I was focusing on what I was feeling too much and not giving his feelings as much thought, I wasn't getting replies from him. Maybe because I know it hurts, the same happened to me, although at the time it was easy for me to hate him, he was scum and there were no redeeming features about our relationship, it was easy to hate him and leave things at that, it was fine by me, I had prepared myself enough to be able to end the relationship.

Now I'm the scum, aggravated by my lying and counter-lying.

Today I thought I was fine about how things turned out, he is now talking to me again and I was able to meet a friend and show her around London because of that, instead of hiding at home like usual. The truth is, I am not ready. I looked in the mirror this morning and said "Now let's go to Uni". But I didn't. Instead I went back to bed, curled up and cried. Then went to attend a lecture but came back home halfway through. About an hour ago I decided to talk to a friend on Skype and he keeps saying to think about my future as well and to not cry over something I cannot change.

And then I cried again. I am not crying because of what I did. I already cried my share for that, and that is not much compared to what he is suffering. I am crying because I can feel us drifting apart more and more and I can't see how I can change that. I miss him, I miss being with him in the weekends, I miss everything about him, his clothes, his smell, the way he stands just a little bit taller than me when i go to kiss him, how he lets his beard grow because I like it, the horrible smell of his window cleaner liquid, how he goes crazy when I tickle him, his shoes and the holes in them, I even learned to appreciate his odd socks and how all these little things make him now stand single and uniquely lovely for me. But what I miss most of all right now is his writing, just a single letter in a text would be ok now, and I know I shouldn't even be asking for this when I hurt him so much but wherever I go , it reminds me of him.

Yesterday was the worst day because I went with my friend to the train station at King's Cross. Both boards had the place where his house is in the list of stops. I looked at them twice and considered the chances of being ignored by him, punched in the face or killed by drunken people on a sunday night like that (there were a lot of them around), but I wanted to, I wanted to jump on one to comfort him, to let him know that I know I was wrong and how much I want him. I wouldn't just leave my friend stranded there either, of course, and I hadn't texted him for a couple of hours because I was with her, so I didn't jump on the train to see him, most of all because I didn't know what to say to him first. Sorry? Sorry I'm late? Is sorry even enough? It doesn't even begin to cut what I feel.

When she left, when I was in the escalators waiting to reach the bottom floor, my stomach turned uncomfortably and I didn't cry then, instead, I talked to my mother who was trying to call me since that morning and then sent him a text asking if he was home, but he wasn't. That was all.

So the blog is really just about how I feel each day. Feel free to comment anything you want to say, abuse, whatever, something, rather than nothing is good.

Alanis Morisette - Not as we